Happy Reformation Day

Not only is today Halloween, it is also Reformation Day, the day when Martin Luther tacked his 95 Theses on the door of a church marking the start of the Protestant Reformation. While this day is recognized by all protestant churches, it is huge is Lutheran circles. It’s like Lutheran Super Bowl except with lutefisk instead of chicken wings.

Since I am nowhere near the thinker that good ol’ Martin was, I could never come up with 95 cogent arguments about anything. I’m simply an angry, bitter person. So in honor of Reformation Day, here is my list of 95 things that piss me off.

1. Co-workers who feel the need to say help each and every time you pass in the hall.
2. People who let their kids answer the phone.
3. Cats.
4. Being invited to a wedding, anniversary, shower, or baptism.
5. All the questions you have to answer a the gas pump before you can get gas – pay inside, pay outside, credit, debit, car wash, receipt, etc.
6. Telemarketers.
7. Blister packaging.
8. Putting the liner in the trash can.
9. People who bump into each other at the grocery store and take up the aisle so they can “catch-up.”
10. Fox News
11. When the smoke alarm needs the battery changed at 3:00 a.m.
12. Vegetarians.
13. Those helicopters that fall out of the trees.
14. Servers who ask if I need change when I pay the bill.
15. Crocs.
16. Magazine subscription cards.
17. Nancy Grace.
18. People who say “and things of that nature.”
19. Smug people who refuse to shop at Wal-Mart.
20. Cover charges.
21. Bisexuals (stop being greedy and make a decision).
22. Grown men under 5’4”.
23. People who are 1 item over at the express lane. Either go way over or get in the other line.
24. When the dog carries her food from the bowl to another room.
25. Spring forward (love Fall back).
26. Dane Cook.
27. People who have a party with no alcohol.
28. People who decide to “pop in” on you.
29. Stripper glitter.
30. Referring to yourself in the third person.
31. Celebrity couple names – Brangelina.
32. People who cannot calculate what time it is in different time zones.
33. Handicapped parking spaces.
34. When every TV channel has a commercial at the same time.
35. John Mayer.
36. Couples who dress alike on purpose.
37. Kids with traditional names with non-traditional spellings.
38. The word “yummy.”
39. Mormons.
40. Flip flops or any type of shoe that makes excessive noise when walking.
41. Getting a haircut.
42. Tea with fruit flavors.
43. Chain restaurants.
44. Peanut butter.
45. Oprah.
46. Neighbors that mow their lawn every three days or early in the morning on weekends.
47. Never being able to find the nail clippers when you need them.
48. When radio stations have “Rocktober.”
49. Ben Affleck
50. Metallica’s St. Anger album.
51. People that say “you can do mine next” when washing your car, cutting the lawn, etc.
52. Happy people.
53. Hangovers.
54. Starbucks.
55. White people who use chop sticks at Asian restaurants.
56. When people want to show me pictures of their kids, grandkids, or pets.
57. Being late to anything.
58. People on social networking sites that use group photos as their profile pic.
59. Voice mail.
60. When people say “don’t so anything I wouldn’t do.”
61. Getting a Christmas card with a letter telling you the boring crap the sender and their boring family did during the year.
62. Chronic sigh-ers.
63. TV Meteorologists.
64. When people will not take the last of any food item.
65. Realizing there is no toilet paper mid-poop.
66. Sensitive people.
67. Knots that inexplicably form in cords of electronics.
68. Poison ivy.
69. Anyone who has given up something and thinks you should too – i.e. smoking.
70. Lawn ornaments.
71. Michael Stipe.
72. When people want you to “guess” something. Just tell me.
73. Non-alcoholic beer.
74. Heidi Klum.
75. People who do not know what hand beats what in poker.
76. Destination weddings.
77. Small talk.
78. When movies or song lyrics are misquoted.
79. Use of LOL.
80. People who allow their children to scream in public settings.
81. Bluetooth headsets.
82. People that talk to you while looking at their Blackberry.
83. The French.
84. Costumes on pets.
85. Trying to a group of coworkers to agree on ordering lunch.
86. Bicycle shorts.
87. People who rubberneck at accidents.
88. Having to clean the lint trap in the dryer.
89. Fake sincerity.
90. Cheese food.
91. People who take karaoke seriously.
92. Any Kardashian.
93. Any situation that requires me to wear a tie.
94. Gone with the Wind.
95. Self serving lists.

CNN = Covering Non News

Much like MTV used to play music videos, CNN used to cover the news. I was channel surfing and stopped on CNN because there was a story about my next wife, Tina Fey. In an interview she joking said that if the McCain/Palin ticket was elected that she would “leave the planet.” The three talking heads on the show were having an actual debate on whether or not she was serious. This conversation went on for at least five minutes.

Aside from being a physical impossibility, Tina Fey is a comedian. That means she makes jokes and uses sarcasm in a humorous way. She also works with Alec Baldwin, who during the 2004 campaign, was quoted as saying he would move to Canada if Bush were to be re-elected. I know you 24 hours of time to kill each day and Nancy Grace can only be on so much before she has to be returned to her coffin filled with dirt from the ring of Hell from which she came, but is this news? Does it even need to be on a national “news” channel?

Not The "A" Team

The media keeps hyping the story of two white supremacists who had a plot to kill 88 black people and Barack Obama. While that thought is terrible, let's face it media, this is not a credible threat no matter how many times you repeat the story. What seems to never get reported is how these criminal masterminds were caught. The two draw swastikas and other White Power symbols on their car in, of all things, sidewalk chalk, then shot out the window of a church. They were pulled over while making thier getaway and spilled the beans on their own plot. I've lived over 40 years and have never touched sidewalk chalk, but that is beside the point. I guess you use what you have on hand when needing to draw a swatika on your El Camino.

The best part is that they planned to go on their spree while dressed in white tuxedos and top hats. I'm just going to assume they do not own tuxes and would have to rent. Oh and why kill 88 people you ask? You see, H is this 8th letter in the alphabet and 88=Heil Hitler in neonazispeak. At least they go that right. True criminal masterminds do not divulge their plot when stopped on an unrelated misedemeanor. So media, lets move on please? Oh, and let's also get of the crazy woman who carved a B in her own face and blamed a black Obama supporter. She's just bat-shit crazy and not a McCain campaign plant like Joe.

I'm John McCain and I Want Your Vote

Do I need to say anything?

Get Ready ‘Cuz Here It Comes

John McCain has thrown down the gauntlet and said that he will bring up the connection between Barack Obama and William Ayers. McCain claims Ayers is a domestic terrorist. That is true. As a young man and member of the Weather Underground, he set bombs off in public places to make political statements. What is in question is the connection he has, if any, to Obama.

Today Ayers is a professor at the University of Illinois in Chicago. In 1999 he was named Chicago’s Citizen of the Year for his 1995 work on the Chicago Annenberg Project after they received a grant of nearly $50 million for reforming public schools. Obama served on a committee that oversaw how the grant money would be spent. Also in 1995, Ayers hosted a coffee for Obama when he first ran for public office. The two also served on the board of an anti-povery group from 2000 – 2002. The board met 12 times in that time period. When Ayers committed his crimes Barack Obama was 8 years old. These are all facts.

Here are some questions to ponder:

Think of all of the casual acquaintances you have. In particular think of all of those with professional jobs such as a teacher or professor. Unless they told you, would you ever suspect any of them had committed a crime?

How long are we accountable for our past actions? Ayers’ actions that are being scrutinized happened in 1968 and 1969. George W. Bush pleaded guilty to drunk driving in 1976. Is that still fair game? John McCain was part of the Keating 5 scandal in 1989. Is that relevant to his running the country?

In The Closet

This photo really scares me. While this election should be a slam dunk for Barack Obama, there are enough closeted racists out there that I can actually envision a scenario where John McCain is elected, dies in office and we are being governed by a woman who I would not even hire to do part-time temp work. I have friend who will not vote for Obama because "He's a Muslim." Another who says that he thinks he will raise taxes. There are 2 people who to my knowledge have never voted for a Republican. Since they like to say they're open-minded and evolved, they will not vote for the candidate who aligns most closely with their values. Draw your own conclusion. At least the guy on his bike is honest about why he won't be voting Democrat this year.

Exactly.

When I wasn't peeing in my pants a little over the super awesome DListed, I was hitting StumbleUpon and found this. ....Yep.

Obviously ImRubberYourGlue Readers

Crowd cheers suicidal jumper to his death

Good News Hippies!

We may not need this bail out. Turns out the king of jam bands Phish is reuniting after a four year hiatus. This announcement is expected to instantly boost the hyrdoponic and hemp industries. And next week look for ImRubberYourGlue tie die t-shirts on sale. Of course they will be made from 100% organically grown hemp and colored with natural pigments. They are made in a fair-trade shirt factory in Gautamala and are just $49.99. A small price to pay to help the planet, right hippies?