Explanation Reverse Engineered

If you were a heterosexual male in the 1980’s you liked Top Gun. Sure, you may deny it today but at one point in your life you either wanted to be Maverick or even Iceman. You traded in your Ray Ban Risky Business sunglasses for some tinted aviator shades and you know you looked at bomber jackets too. You also wanted to bang Kelly McGillis. And why not? She was sexy, smart, and had a great body. Hey, she made Amish chicks seem hot so of course you fantasized about giving it to her. Well my brothers, that window of opportunity is gone.

She said in a recent interview that after a couple of divorces and other bad experiences with men she realized that she was a lesbian at the age of 51. Sounds reasonable perhaps but I would like to offer up an alternate explanation. Let’s say you get a call from a friend. He says that he is going to set you up on a blind date and of course you ask what she looks like, right? So your friend says she looks exactly like Kelly McGillis. All of sudden you picture yourself as Maverick with her on the back of your motorcycle. “Dreams do come true” you think as you hang up the phone. You go to pick up your date and are greeted at the door by this:

I think you now have a much clearer picture as to why no man is dating her. Explanation reverse engineered.

Thank You For Being a Friend

Bea Arthur died this weekend at the age of 86. Her family spokesperson said she had cancer but didn't specify what type. Anyone could make fun of Bea Arthur for being kind of mannish, but those of us with a true sense of humor could see how funny and smart she was, as well as having a brilliant gift for comic timing.

Sophia may have been my favorite Golden Girl, but Dorothy could sure kick some ass.

And In Other News

And in other news.....Mark Anthony's phone number keeps appearing on local suicude hotline's caller ID.

Also, Jennifer Lopez likes tacos and burritos.

The Impossible Breathalyzer

Some English group called Fast Company is opening Alcoholic Architecture, a building where you can breathe in gin fumes. After putting on a plastic suit and standing around for 40 minutes, each patron will have breathed the equivalent of one gin cocktail.

Think about that for a minute.

Forty minutes.

One gin cocktail.

And it costs about ten bucks an hour. I know that everything in London is way expensive, but wouldn't it be ultimately more cost-effective and more, uh, drunkening?...maybe?...to just sit down in a bar and drink three or four gin cocktails in forty minutes? Or am I just being alcoholic again?

Size 2 My Giant Ass

Kim Kardashian was outraged when US Weekly damn rightly incorrectly labeled her as a size 12. Not only does Kim deny this, she apparently thinks that a size 12 reflects obesity. According to her, a size 12 means that she is a "fuller-figured" woman of "extra large size."

Also according to her, she's a size 2.

Bitch, please.

I guess if want the truth, I guess I'll have to ask someone who hasn't been peed on by Ray J.

I'll Pass On the Big Taste Bailout

Earlier this week, two of Domino's most idiotic employees somehow managed to turn on their computers and upload videos of themselves doing disgusting things to disgusting food, therefore making it and their place of employ disgustinger.

I won't post the video here for a few reasons:

1. Everyone (including my grandmother) has already seen it;
2. It's really fucking gross, and;
3. Blogger's being really annoying about video embed sizes. See post below.

Anyway, the two Employees of the Week were revealed to be the now-arrested 32-year-old Michael Setzer and 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds. Both have been arrested. Now, I don't want to stereotype all service industry employees (because, err, I'm one of them), but should it be at all surprising that two people stupid enough to do revolting things to food and videotape it and put it on YouTube while still employed by the location in which the revolting things were done and are in their 30s are working at a shitty pizza chain?

Christ. These people are even dumber than those morons who took a bath in the sink at KFC. Clearly they are not degree-holding citizens of industry.

Oh, right, I should also mention that Kristy Hammonds has been arrested on previous occasions for burglary, assault, and sex with a minor.

I appreciate Domino's president's public apology and all, but wouldn't it be easier to -- ahem -- swallow if we knew there were more extensive background checks (or maybe any background checks at all) for future employees? It's already a pain in the ass when my delivery guy can't count change (literally, he's so incapable that it's become a sort of policy for whomever takes the order to make me aware of the problem), now I have to worry about snot cheese and sex offenders, too?

I Knows What I Likes

There are three things in this world that I truly get pleasure from:
1. A nice hoppy IPA
2. Tall, intelligent women with big boobs
3. When wild animals attack people.

So yesterday was the holy trinity for me. I was drinking beer (fulfills #1) with my wife (fulfills #2) and some friends when this gem came on TV.



Ahh, number three. When nature puts stupid humans back in their place what could be better?

Mrs. Brown, Suddenly I Wish To Leave Your Island

As if the world needed another racist bitch, Betty Brown, a (surprise!) Republican representative from (surprise surprise!) Texas thinks that Asian-Americans should change their names so that Americans can "deal with" them better.

While speaking at a voter identification hearing, Rep. Brown said, "Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese -- I understand it's a rather difficult language -- do you think it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could more readily deal with here?"

She also said, "Can't you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that's easier for Americans to deal with?"

Oh no she didn't.

Although I'm tempted to applaud her for using "behoove" because it always makes me smile, it should be noted that Rep. Brown made her statement to Ramey Ko, representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans. That's Chinese Americans, meaning people who live in and are citizens of America yet happen to be Chinese in heritage. This is apparently not enough for Rep. Brown, because only people with last names like Smith, Jones, Brown, etc. are worthy of living in uh-MARE-kuh and also the great state o' Texas.

Rep. Brown has also so far refused to apologize for her remarks, instead delegating her spokesperson to blame the Democrats. Oh, shit, I forgot to put "surprise!" in parentheses that time. Anyway, instead of owning up to her supremely ignorant and racist point of view, Rep. Brown's spokesperson claims that her statement was only meant to illustrate that Asian-Americans frequently receive incorrect IDs and that the Democrats "want this to just be about race."

Right. That's it. It's just about race. It has nothing to do with yet another Texas Republican trying to eradicate someone's cultural identity. It has nothing to do with attempting to strip someone of their name, ethnicity, and constant struggle to be seen as an American citizen with the right to vote. Lastly, it has absolutely nothing to do with the millions of white Americans whose family names were changed once upon a time upon arriving to America. You may think "Brown" is as American as can be, but you just might be a "Von Braunschfel" without knowing it. Isn't it awesome not knowing where you came from?

So thanks, Rep. Brown. Thanks for continuing to fuck up your political party, your state, and white people by proxy. Because unlike how you evidently view Asians, thankfully, we are not all the same.

(photo courtesy of Junichi)

Fool Me Once, You're Still a Bitch

As if anyone needed more proof than Ann Coulter is a racist bitch with no sense of humor, she totally bought into Car & Driver magazine's April Fools Day prank about President Obama banning GM and Chrysler's participation in NASCAR due to rednecks watching cars make left turns for three hours being an "unnecessary expenditure" in these troubled economic times.

(NASCAR description mine, not C&D's.)

Wrote Eva Braun Ann on her blog regarding the news she was fully convinced was accurate (true to form, without further research or anything else approximating real knowledge), "If Obama can tell GM and Chrysler that their participation in NASCAR is an "unnecessary expenditure," isn't having public schools force students to perform Muslim rituals and plan jihads also an unnecessary expenditure?"

Uh. Wait, what?

Obvious prank notwithstanding, what in the world is Ann Coulter thinking? (Obvious questions, sorry.) Since when has Obama (or any other U.S. President, for that matter) ever had the public school system force students into performing Muslim rituals and planning jihads? Or is she just one of the 20% of evangelical Christians who still believes that President Obama is a radical Muslim (thus making up a large portion of the 11% of all Americans total) despite loads of information to the contrary?

I would ask if she is ignoring the (successful) steps the Bush administration took to have public schools force students to perform Christian rituals and plan curriculums based around teaching Creationism, but I already know the answer to that and asking would simply make the universe implode.

Happy April Fools Day, you cunt.

Hassle It More Than Twice and You're Playing With It

David Hasselhoff is trying to get his daughters into the music business and calls their two-girl group "The Hoff Drops." No one can be certain this early in their hahaha oh I just can't careers, but Germans will probably love them.

I wish Kitt would have a sit down with David. The voice I know as Mr. Feeny's would calmly, rationally, and sort-of Britishly say to him "Now, David. I know you're not shitfaced and I don't have a Wendy's hamburger to convince you completely, but don't you think "Hoff Drops" is kind of...well...gross?"

Seriously, dude. Hoff Drops? Was that some sort of slang for whatever the hell you used to leave behind after West German concerts back in '87? Did people collect them and smuggle them to East Germany? Could they cure livestock diseases nd infant maladies and serve as religious relics when pieces of the True Cross weren't available? While you're at it, think you could market their stuff on bottles of Purell and maybe Plan B boxes?

And once more, just because it's so creepy....