As anyone who knows me will tell you, Ideajones is not a religious man. I just find religion the most interesting time tested mind control ever invented.
That shit works.
However I think its time the story of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ be remastered.
How I came to this conclusion, was after recently staying up late to watch a Double Feature of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and HOSTEL.
HOSTEL for those of you who don't know is a movie about young people kidnapped abroad and sold into white slavery where they are torchered for money. I sat there awe inspired by the violence foisted on these people for someone else's jolly's and nothing more.
Then THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST came on. People wailing, dirty clothes, sweaty men in sandals and a bloody Semitic looking fellow being nailed to a crucifix. Pretty much CNN footage from anywhere in the middle east over the past 30 years. Needless to say I fell asleep.
That night, I had a nightmare of being tortured at the hands of a midget with the head of a Saint Bernard. Which leads me to believe I shouldn't watch horror movies before I go to bed, or mix whiskey and onion rings at 3 am. (I hope everyone gets the Mom and Dad Save the World reference)
So, the next morning that got me thinking. That shit they were doing to those kids in HOSTEL was ten times worse than anything that Jesus fellow seemed to go through for his followers.
Let's rewrite history. Well I wouldn't call a make believe story about a Zombie history, but play along if you will.
First Jesus is forced to drag that crucifix up to the top of the hill while being threatened by Mel Gibson for not giving him a blowjob. Then once crucified he is read the million page document that is Health Care Reform, by a chain smoker with halitosis ( I suppose Mel Gibson could fill that position too). Only to be brought down from the cross hours later and Sodomized to death by Roman Polanski, Whoopi Goldberg and the family from Aristocrats.
Now, I am well aware that the story of the crucifixion is important to a lot of people. So feel free to make any comments about how we could heighten the cruelty of this event. Know this though, I will not remove Mel Gibson or Roman Polanski from the party as I consider them the real lynch pins to the overall vibe of the event.
love,
-ideajones
