I'm Rubber Your Glue

Crucifixion REDUX

2010-07-30T19:48:00.006-05:00

As anyone who knows me will tell you, Ideajones is not a religious man. I just find religion the most interesting time tested mind control ever invented.

That shit works.

However I think its time the story of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ be remastered.

How I came to this conclusion, was after recently staying up late to watch a Double Feature of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and HOSTEL.

HOSTEL for those of you who don't know is a movie about young people kidnapped abroad and sold into white slavery where they are torchered for money. I sat there awe inspired by the violence foisted on these people for someone else's jolly's and nothing more.

Then THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST came on. People wailing, dirty clothes, sweaty men in sandals and a bloody Semitic looking fellow being nailed to a crucifix. Pretty much CNN footage from anywhere in the middle east over the past 30 years. Needless to say I fell asleep.

That night, I had a nightmare of being tortured at the hands of a midget with the head of a Saint Bernard. Which leads me to believe I shouldn't watch horror movies before I go to bed, or mix whiskey and onion rings at 3 am. (I hope everyone gets the Mom and Dad Save the World reference)

So, the next morning that got me thinking. That shit they were doing to those kids in HOSTEL was ten times worse than anything that Jesus fellow seemed to go through for his followers.

Let's rewrite history. Well I wouldn't call a make believe story about a Zombie history, but play along if you will.

First Jesus is forced to drag that crucifix up to the top of the hill while being threatened by Mel Gibson for not giving him a blowjob. Then once crucified he is read the million page document that is Health Care Reform, by a chain smoker with halitosis ( I suppose Mel Gibson could fill that position too). Only to be brought down from the cross hours later and Sodomized to death by Roman Polanski, Whoopi Goldberg and the family from Aristocrats.

Now, I am well aware that the story of the crucifixion is important to a lot of people. So feel free to make any comments about how we could heighten the cruelty of this event. Know this though, I will not remove Mel Gibson or Roman Polanski from the party as I consider them the real lynch pins to the overall vibe of the event.

love,

-ideajones

always dissapointed

2010-04-03T13:24:00.006-05:00

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE COSMOS.

Is a prayer from an atheist without value?

Is a prayer even for being answered?

Are prayers answered?

Just for kicks. Let's give it a whirl.

I have my eyes closed (Thank you Mrs. Shots my typing teacher). "DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE MY ............

Well, question answered, and I won't be staring in any pornos anytime soon.

women?!

2010-02-22T21:28:00.009-06:00

I find it very interesting that the first time and every time since when I use my tongue on a woman it elicits the same response.

Good to know I still have skills.

love,

-ideajones

I need to tell you a secret

2010-02-19T20:54:00.005-06:00

i do wonderful things when i'm drunk.

i don't remember them.

the next day i am told they were not wonderful.

MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN.

love,

-ideajones

Reconsidering Children

2009-12-02T17:51:00.002-06:00

As someone who never really wanted children, expecting them to be spoiled, drooling, fun vacuums.

I must now change my tune.

That is as long as the people who own this little darling bastard are willing to part with him.

Come home with me little ideajones and we will take over the world.

love,

-ideajones

Cockula

2009-10-26T22:03:00.003-05:00

For the past few days, I've been trying to get my friend Brennan to go as Count Chocula for Halloween (because they look alike) and my friend Chris to accompany him as Frankenberry (because he owns two purple shirts). But, as with many other things in my life that were good, pure, and mocking, porn has gone and ruined it.

Now I won't be able to think of Count Chocula without immediately flashing to the Count Cockula, which is apparently the must-have the sex toy for anyone who wants to get their dick bitten off.

Should Elton John Be Allowed to Adopt?

2009-09-23T17:23:00.002-05:00

Lots of celebrities want to adopt kids from foreign countries. An adopted black babay is the must-have accessory in Hollywood right now. Between Madonna and Angelina Jolie
and all the media attention they got, celebs figure it's great PR. Now Even Elton John wants in on the action. There is some debate going on as to whether or not he should be allowed to adopt. Let me answer that question......

Simply put…HELL NO! And it is has nothing to do with his sexual preference at all. The reason he should not adopt is that he is 62 years old. There is no practical way he can keep up with a kid at that age. Look, my father was 46 when I was born. By the time I was old enough to where I would want my dad to play ball with me, he was on his first bypass surgery. We watched a lot of 60 Minutes together though. So if Sir Elton were allowed to adopt there could be a point where both he and his kid are wearing diapers and eating soft food. Plus how can the kid ever understand Halloween when your dad’s understated outfit is a Donald Duck suit.

17th and Growing (possibly NSFW)

2009-09-20T23:23:00.005-05:00

According to (ahem) Manhunt Daily, Washington D.C. is the American ~~state~~ region with the biggest dicks. Anatomically speaking, I mean, not just in terms of personality. The results were tallied based on Manhunt members' (ha, members! uh...I'm really easy) profiles, which recently were updated with a penis size option.

So if we accept that a fair amount of LYING is going on, Missouri is either 17th on the list (says Manhunt) or anywhere between the 12th and 20th (based on my own dating history). Which is good to know, especially when you consider that those size-obsessed idiots in Texas may be bigger(15th), but all the Jersey douchebags out there are decidedly smaller (40th).

The President is Near

2009-09-05T08:55:00.002-05:00

I truly cannot understand why people are upset that the President of the United States will be addressing students. I cannot think of a sole reason why the leader of our country should not. Sitting presidents have always reached out to the students of our country encouraging them to read, stay in school, keep off drugs, etc.. In fact, remember where George W. Bush was when the 9/11 attacks took place? At a school reading to kids.

It’s sad that there are enough people who are taking their queues from people like Glenn Beck, who is doing the best angry journalist act since Peter Finch in Network. There is no way Beck believes the crap he spews. I could go on all day about that but Chez at Deus ex Malcontent did it way better than I can. I’ll just say that Beck is a better actor than Edward Norton and Gary Oldman, times ten. When you say that the president is trying to indoctrinate the youth into his socialist agenda, it tells me you do not know what socialism truly is. I think I know the true motivation behind why people are upset about the President is speaking to kids. Just watch this:

They can't all be winners.

2009-08-24T21:40:00.009-05:00

Not every endeavor is a successful one and today I would like to share with you one of my birds that never took flight, perhaps because it was ahead of its time, illegal, dangerous or downright offensive.

My Eureka event or as I like to call it "Peanut Butter & Jelly", was born out of my friends and I sitting around in college doing bong hits. The smoke from which I have never really enjoyed do to the harshness, but if my memory serves me and it tends not to for about a five year period there I did enjoy the after effect.

That day I realized that I would take two things dear to me and create a pathway to heaven.

Bong + Nitrous = Cool super smooth bong hit that makes you into a visionary. Or so I thought.

Well, I went down to my laboratory and fashioned something the kids call a Cracker (for opening small nitrous canisters or whippets) to the side of a plexi-glass bong with a little rubber cement, and we were in business.

Here came the challenge, with even my most burnt out of cohorts shuddering at the thought of mixing these two drugs together. As if GOD himself might smite them for figuring out the hidden secret to the universe.

Then Holly came to mind.

Holly had been a friend of mine and even a roommate for sometime. A tiny little goof ball of a druggy chick that would pretty much do whatever I asked, except sleep with me. Which by most accounts would be more dangerous than trying out one of my inventions? So with a little reassuring of its safety, she was in.

We set the mood with some Rev. Horton Heat, gathered around our favorite front porch coffee table and proceeded to find God. We even made plans to travel the world teaching others about our new religion.

Then we packed the bowl, lit the lighter, and cracked the nitrous.

Holly grinned from ear to ear as though she had seen the face of our creator, and inner peace washed over her, as she hit her face on the coffee table drooling.

Can somebody help me find a shovel?

love,

-ideajones

Gayest Headline Ever

2009-08-23T17:56:00.003-05:00

ideajones IS WRITING AGAIN! Haha I'm just kidding (I'm not), that's not the headline (but it should be). Actually, it's this:

Wow. Just wow.

According to NBC Miami, Brian Dotort went to a gay bar called Georgie's Alibi (worst alibi ever) and took his chihuahua, Hudson Hayward Hemingway, with him. Because Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dressed in pretty pink clothing, some queen with a Britney Spears tattoo asked if he could could him. Brian said okay, turned around to look at some guy's package, and by the time he turned back to his dog and Mr. Spears, both had disappeared.

As a pet owner, I think this is a particularly sad story, but it's important to remember what my parents taught me back when I was young, trusting, and still hadn't realized that I lived in one of the most dangerous cities in America -- don't display anything that you don't want stolen. This edict is malleable, of course, because I have to display some things in order to get others. Example: at reputable establishments, money must be exchanged for booze.

The underlying point was that I should prepare for theft relative to the venue. If I bragged about my large stash of chewing tobacco at a Toby Keith concert, for example, I should not expect to retain ownership for very long. (NOTE: I would never use chewing tobacco or be seen at a Toby Keith concert.) Likewise, if I carried my punt-able, dressed-in-pastels dog into a South Florida gay bar, I would soon find myself dragging an empty leash along the beach and crying about how my special little friend isn't around to watch Golden Girls re-runs with me anymore.

I could always give ideajones a call, though.

Finding Perspective

2009-08-16T18:49:00.007-05:00

For those of you who don't know, ideajones once wanted to be a body builder.

I don't know where it all started. I think it might have been trying to impress a young lady. One whom I soon replaced with my well oiled chest and bikini wax.

As time went on I thought that the bigger I got the sexier I looked.

Then one morning while doing a private pose off for myself I noticed something shocking. My "Package" was smaller. Immediately I became paranoid about all the chemicals I had been taking.

How could this be? I had read all the warning labels on the snake oils I had purchased at the local SELF-IMPROVEMENT WAREHOUSE. Not one of them mentioned a penis shrinking side affect.

How could this be self-improvement? My perfectly polished muscle car had a tiny hood ornament all of a sudden.

Well, at first I was just angry which turned to depressed and crying. By the way not a pretty picture (Super muscular man naked and crying with a tiny penis in one hand and a bottle of Bronzer in the other). Later however I did read on one of my supplements that I might have mood swings.

Once I calmed down and had a Raspberry, Banana, Kumquat, Apple, and Ginseng protein shake. I made my way over to the strip mall where I purchased my new physique to demand retribution.

My penis is Tiny! Was my battle cry as I burst through the front door, causing the two young ladies behind the counter to break into a flurry of TEE HEES and scurry into the storeroom.

"I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANGER" I exclaimed.

Enter: A short muscular man wearing a sleeveless cutoff sweatshirt and spandex shorts.

'"Look here you Olivia Newton John reject, I have been taking your pills and powders for longer than I care to remember and now I can't find my member".

"Calm down sir, your scaring my customers" the man said.

Then he suggested we discuss this in the back, which of course I was OK with considering I had just told everyone in store I had a chicklet in my pants.

Now, I could go on and on about the dialogue between myself and this self-loather, but I don't want to bore.

What I can tell you is our conversation was a little embarrassing and involved a ruler and a minor discussion about the artistic properties of "Perspective".

So, after helping me realize that I had built a barn around a front door that was once the entrance to a 2nd story walk up. He directed me to a whole section of his store devoted to men with similar problems.

Needless to say I abandoned my barn, returned to my 2nd story walk up and never had to worry about "Perspective" again. I did however pick-up one of those penis enlargement pumps on my way out.

love,

-ideajones

Need to feel inadequate

2009-08-04T02:02:00.004-05:00

So, I have not written anything in a while, and I owe you all an explanation. I've been jerking off every time I sit down at the computer (sorry public library computer lab users).

Anyway,

As a married man and a frequent customer of the local pharmacy, I often find myself wandering the medicinal stacks. Taking the opportunity to peruse the myriad of contraceptives and sexual aids. A world that I haven't inhabited in sometime, a world full of VD and a need for pina colada scented butt lube. This world has expanded by the way, whether it be your basic flavored condoms, lube that makes your private parts burn (On purpose really?) or for the really adventurous a condom that vibrates.

Being an inquisitive type, as I go to leave said isle I always check out how much dust has collected on the Magnum condom boxes, just to see if someone actually buys these. For those of you who don't know, these are for people with a birth defect.

Well, much to my chagrin there is actually now an even BIGGER CONDOM, The Magnum XL. Not only is there bigger dicks out there, they are actually enough of them that they have added a shift at the factory.

Now don't get me wrong. Who am I to begrudge another man his need for contraceptives or the fact that his mother was a heroin mule while pregnant with him. My problem is with the Manufacturer.

Manufacturer? You might ask.

We'll, I just would like to know why the Huge Penis brigade gets a condom named after a Clint Eastwood Movie. Like they need more self-esteem.

I have an Idea for Trojan since Clint Eastwood seems to be there muse.

How about a condom for guys who date whores " Any Which Way But Loose" OR condoms with extra lube meant for that extra input " Dirty Hairy". Maybe even a condom for that guy who has a girl whose vagina is like a prison "Escape from Alcatraz" for that bitch who just won't let go.

love,

-ideajones

Pass the Bong and Hit the Gas

2009-07-27T18:58:00.004-05:00

Brooke Hogan released a new album the other day. I don't know when her first one came out, or if there were any between the first and this one. Doesn't matter. She's Brooke Hogan. All she needs to do is sit back, spend her father's money, and wait for the day drag queens start dressing up like her.

This may happen sooner than she thought, thanks to the airbrushed custom van design that is her new album cover. If she'd released that record anywhere between 1973 and 1986, the only reason people would have bought it would have been to give it to their older brother's friend "Poncho" or "Snake" or something to tape up on the side of their van and trace freehand. They would have paid him with some Mexican dirt weed and a bottle of Night Train. Possibly also some rolling papers. But only if they'd just gotten their check that day.

Seeing as though this is 2009, pretty much no one will buy it for any reason.

The Cock of the Walk

2009-07-25T13:52:00.002-05:00

Canadian trivia master Alex Trebek turned 69 this week. Perhaps it was in anticipation of this innuendo-ish birthday that he had the accompanying shirtless publicity photo taken back when he still had, to quote fake Sean Connery, a "dago mustache."

Rolling For the Crave

2009-06-15T16:20:00.006-05:00

A White Castle in St. Paul, Minnesota refused to serve a woman who rolled on up to their drive thru in a motorized scooter. Like any fast food restaurant concerned with safety, this particular White Castle restricts any business after 11pm to the drive thru window. Either that or they are scared of Gremlins. Also like most fast food restaurants, White Castle restricts their drive thru to licensed motor vehicles.

** This is true. Once in junior high, my friends and I got baked and tried to navigate a shopping cart through the drive thru of McDonald's. It wasn't as ambitious (and therefore contradictory to stoner behavior) as it seems; the shopping cart had been abandoned not 50 feet from the drive thru. And come to think of it, that McDonald's was basically next door to a White Castle. A bar was the only business between the two. **

Anyway, Ariel Wade motored over to her local White Castle for some after midnight eats and was "madder than fish grease" when she was turned away. She is now petitioning the Minnesota Disability Law Center for help in suing White Castle, but according to Justin Page, a staff attorney, this is an "unsettled" area of law.

I would argue that the signs clearly posted in the White Castle drive thru advising that only licensed motor vehicles will be served would have been the giveaway (and don't give me any of that I couldn't see them bullshit, I see those things even when I'm drunk and not wearing my glasses). I would also argue that Ariel Wade is quite large*, and although she claims to use the scooter due to "degenerative arthritis in her back," she may be one of those "I'm really fucking lazy and eat fast food in the middle of the night" people.

Possibly she developed the arthritis while working as "a onetime exotic dancer in New Orleans who until recently worked selling bingo tickets at a St. Paul bar." That's from the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, okay, not me.

It certainly doesn't help my opinion of her when she takes a stand by stating, "You can try to butter me up all you want to. Free meals aint going to work."

And when the reporter shut off the recorder, she said, "Mmmmmm, butter."

*Ariel Wade not pictured. That is a much smaller woman riding her Hoveround on a unicorn.

The Bitch Who Won't Eat Ham

2009-06-11T14:35:00.004-05:00

I've called out Gwyneth Paltrow before. I've ranted about her asinine GOOP newsletter, her diet, and most of all, the giant stick up her ass. But Gwyneth doesn't know me and I'm not famous, so since then I've been waiting around for someone better to say the same thing.

Anthony Bourdain, you remain one of my heroes.

(And not just because Brad describes me as "Like Anthony Bourdain with a great rack.")

On the topic of Spain...On the Road Again, the travel/food show she's on with Bourdain's friend Mario Batali, Bourdain said "Why would you go to Spain with the one bitch who refuses to eat ham?"

According to Perez Hilton, Gwyneth's macrobiotic diet forbids her from eating meat and she has claimed that she will not eat meat during the show. Which is about food. In Spain. Where one of their proudest culinary traditions is curing pork.

Why would Gwyneth be there at all? She's allegedly friends with Mario Batali, but I can't imagine her eating or drinking anything worthwhile at all, let alone any of the delicious, fatty, creative, decidedly un-blessed-by-a-Kabbalah-leader stuff in Spain and be fun enough to be a travel companion. I mean, she'd be great to take with you to a colonic spa, but Spain? Mario, wtf?

A Real Douche Bag Move

2009-06-09T16:33:00.003-05:00

See the photo below? What you are witnessing is a real douche bag move.

No, I am not calling George H. W. Bush a douche, but the guy who took this picture of the former president and sold it to the media is a DB of the highest order. Let me explain: Seems the Bush’s were having party for Barbara’s birthday and they invited some of the cast from A Chorus Line to their beach house, so it would be appropriate that people would be clothed in swim wear, right? And if you meet someone famous like a former president you might want to get your picture taken with him, right? So far so good.

There is a code between men. You don’t rat another man out when it comes to has activity with women, especially when the woman is question is not your wife or girlfriend. What happens in the strip club stays there. Same happens when you are at party in your own home and something like this goes on. He’s an old man and entitled to have a hot chick on his lap if he wants. I am no fan of the former president but I do know what releasing this photo is a violation of the man code

It Killed Bill

2009-06-07T08:18:00.003-05:00

David Carradine, the actor famous for playing Kwai Chang Caine in the TV show Kung Fu, was found dead in a hotel room in Bangkok. If you grew up in the 70s like I did, it was mandatory that you watched Kung Fu. For those that did not, Carradine was Bill in Kill Bill. The plot of Kung Fu was that Caine, a Shaolin Monk, is in Old West America searching for his half brother. While he is a man of peace, for some reason each week some racist cowboy would start trouble and Caine would reluctantly have to open a can of Kung Fu whoop ass on him. The show was also filed with flashbacks to Caine’s upbringing in China and his training with the blind Master Po. One scene that pretty every male who watched the show has recreated with his friends is where Caine would try to take a stone from Master Po’s hand. Once he was able to do that, his training was complete and he could enter the world.

Of course that show could not be made today. At least it couldn’t be done with a white guy playing the role of an Asian just by squinting. Kung Fu ended up being the biggest success for David Carradine, who went on to play a ton of roles in numerous forgettable TV shows and movies. It would be hard to pick which was his most embarrassing, until now. I think the way he died would be his most embarrassing performance. He was found naked hanging a closet with a rope tied around his neck and penis, suggesting it was an accidental death while performing auto-erotic asphyxiation. So while he was quick enough to snatch the stone from the master’s hand he couldn’t get the rope of his neck in time.

That has to be every man’s nightmare – you are spanking it to some internet and you have a heart attack and your wife/girlfriend/mother comes home to find you dead sitting at the computer with your pants around your ankles and your dick in your hand. That’s why the good folks here at I’m Rubber Your Glue have introduced the USB defibrillator. Just keep the defibrillator plugged into any USB port on your computer and laptop and should the unthinkable happen while you are on YouPorn.com, your heart will automatically be shocked back into a normal rhythm, saving yourself and your family from embarrassment and lying at your funeral. Also available - the SplatterMaster® Defibrillator cover (sold separately).

Love Me Tenga

2009-05-18T16:46:00.006-05:00

Damn those wily Japanese. They win at everything. Automotives. Dance Dance Revolution. Eating hot dogs. And now masturbation.

The photo you see up top is of Masanobu Sato, the winner of the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon held in San Francisco this past weekend. Masanobu jacked it for over 9 hours to win the title and apparently had the help of a device called a Tenga. Although I have a Good Vibes profile, I've never seen or purchased the Tenga, but from what I hear it's like a rubber, egg-shaped pocket pussy.

Maybe it's because I'm not very competitive, but I can't imagine what would compel a person to enter a longterm masturbation contest. Personally, I turn to whacking off when I want to knock one out in a hurry. Do I have 90 seconds and some batteries to spare? Excellent. I'm busy at the moment, I'll have to call you back.

For a very NSFW photo of Masanobu training with his Tenga (along with his coach, maybe?), please click here.

Genius

2009-05-15T06:41:00.003-05:00

The genius of Tracy Morgan. By the way, he is not acting on 30 Rock.

What Fascinates Me

2009-05-10T13:43:00.002-05:00

A short list of what fascinates me: religious cults, spontaneous human combustions, and hookers. And because some strippers are hookers and all pole dancers are strippers, please enjoy the below clip from the 2009 Miss Pole Dance World competition.

Go Felix Cane go.

What's Disturbing Is..

2009-05-06T17:28:00.005-05:00

...that some dude out there gets turned on by the bitch on the left.

And since when did Heather Graham start impersonating Bret Michaels?

The Cocked Eye of Justice

2009-05-01T14:09:00.005-05:00

I got called for jury duty once. Because I figured it was part of my civic duty, I got the letter, showed up on time, and sat there. And sat there. And sat there. And sat there. It wasn't until around 4:30pm on the second day of sitting that my number was called, and by then I'd finished two books and developed one hell of an ass cramp.

I showed up the next day to begin jury selection with some of the stupidest potential jurors in the entire city. One girl dressed entirely in denim, was cockeyed, and had a plastic wig that kept falling off. She got out because she claimed that "aint nobody but God can be judgin' other peoples." Well done, ma'am. Well done.

I got out because I grew up in St. Louis City and people have tried to steal my car and break into my house a staggering number of times. It wasn't hard. When the defense attorney asked questions about the types of crimes perpetrated against me or my family members, I simply raised my hand. No thanks, Juror Number 26, thanks for fulfilling your duty and have a nice day. Sorry for your troubles and, apparently, your ill fortune when it comes to getting robbed.

I was paid a whopping $28 dollars for three days of sitting around and reading in the vicinity of a cockeye. I knew it was a gyp at the time, and I wish I'd had the balls to write what Erik Slye wrote to his local judicial board.
A better visual and the whole story is after the jump, but Erik the Dog Ball Wrinkle Counter's notarized letter to the state of Montana reads:

"Apparently you morons didn't understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my family's wellbeing at stake to participate in this crap. I don't believe in our "justice system" and I don't want to have a goddamn thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog's balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the F--CK alone."

Explanation Reverse Engineered

2009-04-30T16:47:00.000-05:00

If you were a heterosexual male in the 1980’s you liked Top Gun. Sure, you may deny it today but at one point in your life you either wanted to be Maverick or even Iceman. You traded in your Ray Ban Risky Business sunglasses for some tinted aviator shades and you know you looked at bomber jackets too. You also wanted to bang Kelly McGillis. And why not? She was sexy, smart, and had a great body. Hey, she made Amish chicks seem hot so of course you fantasized about giving it to her. Well my brothers, that window of opportunity is gone.

She said in a recent interview that after a couple of divorces and other bad experiences with men she realized that she was a lesbian at the age of 51. Sounds reasonable perhaps but I would like to offer up an alternate explanation. Let’s say you get a call from a friend. He says that he is going to set you up on a blind date and of course you ask what she looks like, right? So your friend says she looks exactly like Kelly McGillis. All of sudden you picture yourself as Maverick with her on the back of your motorcycle. “Dreams do come true” you think as you hang up the phone. You go to pick up your date and are greeted at the door by this:

I think you now have a much clearer picture as to why no man is dating her. Explanation reverse engineered.

Thank You For Being a Friend

2009-04-27T16:02:00.003-05:00

Bea Arthur died this weekend at the age of 86. Her family spokesperson said she had cancer but didn't specify what type. Anyone could make fun of Bea Arthur for being kind of mannish, but those of us with a true sense of humor could see how funny and smart she was, as well as having a brilliant gift for comic timing.

Sophia may have been my favorite Golden Girl, but Dorothy could sure kick some ass.

And In Other News

2009-04-24T09:42:00.004-05:00

And in other news.....Mark Anthony's phone number keeps appearing on local suicude hotline's caller ID.

Also, Jennifer Lopez likes tacos and burritos.

The Impossible Breathalyzer

2009-04-23T23:28:00.005-05:00

Some English group called Fast Company is opening Alcoholic Architecture, a building where you can breathe in gin fumes. After putting on a plastic suit and standing around for 40 minutes, each patron will have breathed the equivalent of one gin cocktail.

Think about that for a minute.

Forty minutes.

One gin cocktail.

And it costs about ten bucks an hour. I know that everything in London is way expensive, but wouldn't it be ultimately more cost-effective and more, uh, drunkening?...maybe?...to just sit down in a bar and drink three or four gin cocktails in forty minutes? Or am I just being alcoholic again?

Size 2 My Giant Ass

2009-04-22T16:47:00.003-05:00

Kim Kardashian was outraged when US Weekly ~~damn rightly~~ incorrectly labeled her as a size 12. Not only does Kim deny this, she apparently thinks that a size 12 reflects obesity. According to her, a size 12 means that she is a "fuller-figured" woman of "extra large size."

Also according to her, she's a size 2.

Bitch, please.

I guess if want the truth, I guess I'll have to ask someone who hasn't been peed on by Ray J.

I'll Pass On the Big Taste Bailout

2009-04-16T21:32:00.006-05:00

Earlier this week, two of Domino's most idiotic employees somehow managed to turn on their computers and upload videos of themselves doing disgusting things to disgusting food, therefore making it and their place of employ disgustinger.

I won't post the video here for a few reasons:

1. Everyone (including my grandmother) has already seen it;
2. It's really fucking gross, and;
3. Blogger's being really annoying about video embed sizes. See post below.

Anyway, the two Employees of the Week were revealed to be the now-arrested 32-year-old Michael Setzer and 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds. Both have been arrested. Now, I don't want to stereotype all service industry employees (because, err, I'm one of them), but should it be at all surprising that two people stupid enough to do revolting things to food and videotape it and put it on YouTube while still employed by the location in which the revolting things were done and are in their 30s are working at a shitty pizza chain?

Christ. These people are even dumber than those morons who took a bath in the sink at KFC. Clearly they are not degree-holding citizens of industry.

Oh, right, I should also mention that Kristy Hammonds has been arrested on previous occasions for burglary, assault, and sex with a minor.

I appreciate Domino's president's public apology and all, but wouldn't it be easier to -- ahem -- swallow if we knew there were more extensive background checks (or maybe any background checks at all) for future employees? It's already a pain in the ass when my delivery guy can't count change (literally, he's so incapable that it's become a sort of policy for whomever takes the order to make me aware of the problem), now I have to worry about snot cheese and sex offenders, too?

I Knows What I Likes

2009-04-13T17:58:00.003-05:00

There are three things in this world that I truly get pleasure from:
1. A nice hoppy IPA
2. Tall, intelligent women with big boobs
3. When wild animals attack people.

So yesterday was the holy trinity for me. I was drinking beer (fulfills #1) with my wife (fulfills #2) and some friends when this gem came on TV.

Ahh, number three. When nature puts stupid humans back in their place what could be better?

Mrs. Brown, Suddenly I Wish To Leave Your Island

2009-04-10T16:32:00.004-05:00

As if the world needed another racist bitch, Betty Brown, a (surprise!) Republican representative from (surprise surprise!) Texas thinks that Asian-Americans should change their names so that Americans can "deal with" them better.

While speaking at a voter identification hearing, Rep. Brown said, "Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese -- I understand it's a rather difficult language -- do you think it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could more readily deal with here?"

She also said, "Can't you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that's easier for Americans to deal with?"

Oh no she didn't.

Although I'm tempted to applaud her for using "behoove" because it always makes me smile, it should be noted that Rep. Brown made her statement to Ramey Ko, representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans. That's Chinese Americans, meaning people who live in and are citizens of America yet happen to be Chinese in heritage. This is apparently not enough for Rep. Brown, because only people with last names like Smith, Jones, Brown, etc. are worthy of living in uh-MARE-kuh and also the great state o' Texas.

Rep. Brown has also so far refused to apologize for her remarks, instead delegating her spokesperson to blame the Democrats. Oh, shit, I forgot to put "surprise!" in parentheses that time. Anyway, instead of owning up to her supremely ignorant and racist point of view, Rep. Brown's spokesperson claims that her statement was only meant to illustrate that Asian-Americans frequently receive incorrect IDs and that the Democrats "want this to just be about race."

Right. That's it. It's just about race. It has nothing to do with yet another Texas Republican trying to eradicate someone's cultural identity. It has nothing to do with attempting to strip someone of their name, ethnicity, and constant struggle to be seen as an American citizen with the right to vote. Lastly, it has absolutely nothing to do with the millions of white Americans whose family names were changed once upon a time upon arriving to America. You may think "Brown" is as American as can be, but you just might be a "Von Braunschfel" without knowing it. Isn't it awesome not knowing where you came from?

So thanks, Rep. Brown. Thanks for continuing to fuck up your political party, your state, and white people by proxy. Because unlike how you evidently view Asians, thankfully, we are not all the same.

(photo courtesy of Junichi)

Fool Me Once, You're Still a Bitch

2009-04-03T14:45:00.004-05:00

As if anyone needed more proof than Ann Coulter is a racist bitch with no sense of humor, she totally bought into Car & Driver magazine's April Fools Day prank about President Obama banning GM and Chrysler's participation in NASCAR due to rednecks watching cars make left turns for three hours being an "unnecessary expenditure" in these troubled economic times.

(NASCAR description mine, not C&D's.)

Wrote ~~Eva Braun~~ Ann on her blog regarding the news she was fully convinced was accurate (true to form, without further research or anything else approximating real knowledge), "If Obama can tell GM and Chrysler that their participation in NASCAR is an "unnecessary expenditure," isn't having public schools force students to perform Muslim rituals and plan jihads also an unnecessary expenditure?"

Uh. Wait, what?

Obvious prank notwithstanding, what in the world is Ann Coulter thinking? (Obvious questions, sorry.) Since when has Obama (or any other U.S. President, for that matter) ever had the public school system force students into performing Muslim rituals and planning jihads? Or is she just one of the 20% of evangelical Christians who still believes that President Obama is a radical Muslim (thus making up a large portion of the 11% of all Americans total) despite loads of information to the contrary?

I would ask if she is ignoring the (successful) steps the Bush administration took to have public schools force students to perform Christian rituals and plan curriculums based around teaching Creationism, but I already know the answer to that and asking would simply make the universe implode.

Happy April Fools Day, you cunt.

Hassle It More Than Twice and You're Playing With It

2009-04-01T17:12:00.005-05:00

David Hasselhoff is trying to get his daughters into the music business and calls their two-girl group "The Hoff Drops." No one can be certain this early in their ~~hahaha oh I just can't~~ careers, but Germans will probably love them.

I wish Kitt would have a sit down with David. The voice I know as Mr. Feeny's would calmly, rationally, and sort-of Britishly say to him "Now, David. I know you're not shitfaced and I don't have a Wendy's hamburger to convince you completely, but don't you think "Hoff Drops" is kind of...well...gross?"

Seriously, dude. Hoff Drops? Was that some sort of slang for whatever the hell you used to leave behind after West German concerts back in '87? Did people collect them and smuggle them to East Germany? Could they cure livestock diseases nd infant maladies and serve as religious relics when pieces of the True Cross weren't available? While you're at it, think you could market their stuff on bottles of Purell and maybe Plan B boxes?

And once more, just because it's so creepy....

Dog Goes Exterminatin'

2009-03-26T17:03:00.004-05:00

During my drunken Monday night viewings of Intervention, I sometimes see previews for a show called Exterminators. It's about exterminators. Specifically, it's about the crew of Vexcon, a Louisiana pest control company run by Billy Bretherton and his hillbilly ass family.

I know Dog the Bounty Hunter was an inexplicably enormous hit for A&E (I'm not going to lie, I get sucked in occasionally...Beth, if you're reading this, I know this sounds weird but do you use White Rain shampoo? You seem like you would.), but was there such a demand for the white trash gothic trucker look that a show about bayou critter gitters was greenlighted? Does the world really need another program about people who can barely exhibit good sense in their professional lives, let alone the ability to purchase anything not covered in studs and pleather?

And the hair. Billy and Family, wtf. I'm serious. Dog and Beth are pioneers in the awful hair movement, but you guys are like their drowned rat cousins who aren't lucky enough to live in Hawaii. You're stuck crawling around the swamps of Louisiana trapping (and possibly barbecuing) godknowswhat. Gators. Possums. Britney. You guys are freaking me out and A&E is not doing itself any favors.

Allison excepted.

Live Stroooooohhhhhh

2009-03-23T15:30:00.003-05:00

Lance Armstrong fall down and go boom. As if winning 7 Tour de Frances and banging Cheryl Crow were not enough, Armstrong is back on the bike competing with people half of his age trying to recapture something. Today, he fell of his bike and broke his collar bone while competing in Spain. While some speculate the crash was due to him listing to the left because of lack of ball weight on that side, witnesses said they heard Armstrong yelling at competitors just before the crash that “You kids and your fancy speed cycles better slow down!” Outside the hospital after being treated and released Armstrong waived to reporters and yelled “Get off my lawn!”

Being Real at Guido Beach

2009-03-18T13:24:00.002-05:00

While I am from and currently live in the Midwest, I've paid rent on both coasts and traveled around quite a bit. With that said, out of all the people I've been able to meet, there are few species as unique and, frankly, a bit horrifying as the Jersey Douche. A subspecies of the Jersey Douche, the Jersey Guido, is even more deserving of laboratory research (by techs wearing Haz-Mat, of course). See here....

"Pet peeve? I don't know what the fuck that means."

Who Would You Rather?

2009-03-13T12:44:00.002-05:00

In response to the question posed by Perez Hilton, I'd have to say "whaaaaa?" That's a hard one, and I'm not talking about where it counts. Although I wouldn't be excited about Joaquin Phoenix's or Mickey Rourke's lips coming anywhere near either of mine, I'm going to have to go with Mickey Rourke on this one. I've gone 26 years without getting crotch lice so far, so I don't think I want to risk it with Mr. "I'm a Rapper" Phoenix's face pubes now.

I Love My Dead Gay Son

2009-03-12T14:43:00.006-05:00

I don't smoke. Although everyone in my family and most of my friends are smokers, my lifetime cigarette consumption is maybe a single pack. And those barely count because I was either piss ass drunk or breaking up with someone while I was smoking them.

There are a ton of reasons to be glad that I never started smoking. Obvious cancer issues. Cigarettes are expensive. I have asthma and if I'm going to exacerbate it by smoking anything, it had better be weed. So yeah, mostly it's a good thing that I don't smoke.

There are, however, two situations (barring the aforementioned piss ass drunk and breakups, that is) that cause me to wish I did smoke:

-- To have something to do with my hands, and...

-- When I watch Heathers.

For anyone who a) didn't grow up in the 80s, b) isn't a female, and/or c) doesn't think being mean is awesome, Heathers was a movie about mean girls. This wasn't the post-2000, Lindsay Lohan-style mean girl, either, the Heathers were mean fucking girls. See, back in the bad old 80s, everyone had big hair, ostentatious outfits, and knew adolescence was all about making other people feel shitty about themselves. There were no self-esteem workshops. There was no Adderall. No, there was being an asshole and doing blow, and this is why Heathers is great.

Not only are the Heathers a clique of bitches named Heather (except for Winona Ryder, who is only slightly less loveable than she was in Beetlejuice), they torture one another with violent croquet games and call one of their overweight classmates "Dumptruck." Yeah. Bitches.

So Winona Ryder's character, the only non-Heather in the group, gets pissed and starts offing her friends with the help of Christian Slater back when he was young and hot. The actual circumstances are a bit more complicated, but basically the Heathers get what's coming to them and Christian Slater goes crazy and, in a creepy pre-Columbine trenchcoat situation, tries to kill Winona and blow up the school during a pep rally.

Which Winona Ryder survives, but not before sticking an unlit cigarette in her mouth and standing at the exact perfect distance from the explosion so that the cigarette gets lit and she coolly smokes it down, knowing that Christian Slater is dead and the Heathers won't bother her anymore.

GOD. If I could guarantee that every cigarette I smoked from here on out would be lit in such a fashion, I'd have a voicebox by the time I hit 40.

Until then, I'll have to settle for Heathers being remade for Broadway. I love this just like I love my dead gay son. If I had one.

I'm Lovin' It

2009-03-04T10:13:00.003-06:00

Although it's not something I like to admit, I do go to McDonald's occasionally. Once a month at the very most. Usually at a time when lesser females would inhale the entire freezer section of the grocery store and claim hormonal irresponsibility for that type of behavior.

While my order of a cheeseburger and small fry is never out of stock, apparently, one of the most repellent McDonald's items, the amorphous and terrifying McNuggets, can sell out from time to time. For those of us living in the 21st century, the McDonald's menu is old hat and it wouldn't be hard to just order something else. But for Latreasa Goodman, choosing another item was too much to handle. Also, the McPloyee manning the register had already charged her and offered neither a refund nor a substitution for the tasty dish.

So Latreasa did what any concerned citizen would do. She called 911. Three times.

Now Latreasa has been charged with abusing an emergency service and McDonald's has offered an apology. In the form of a free meal coupon and a refund for the original McNuggets order. I'm not sure if Latreasa is pleased with the offer, but hopefully she'll think twice before confusing reconstituted chicken parts with a life-threatening emergency.

FUCKERY

2009-02-26T15:05:00.004-06:00

NO. Noooooo. No no no no oh hell fucking no. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Warner Brothers is in talks to remake The NeverEnding Story.

WHY, movie people? Why can't you let sleeping dogs lie? Giant, sleeping, pink, feathered, flying, wish-granting dogs called Luck Dragons? Why can't you leave my childhood alone? I may not be able to accompany Michael K., but just tell me who I have to kick in the nuts and I will fly to L.A. myself.

There were already remakes of The NeverEnding Story, okay, they were called sequels and only one of them was even halfway good and that was only because I was in love with Jonathan Brandis back in the day. Goddammit. This makes me want to hike on out to the Swamps of Sadness and just give the fuck up. Artex must have seen this coming.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 5

2009-02-25T22:11:00.002-06:00

Finally, it is my turn to speak. I introduced myself and Kat and gave some background about our house, the break in, and the house next door. Then I complimented the chief on the great job his officers have been doing. I figured starting off with something positive was smart, particularly after what just occurred. Then the chief goes “You’re Brad Wheeling? Marianne’s brother?” Of course the answer was yes. I have known Chief Dowling sine I was very little. His wife was my sister’s best friend in high school, but I had not seen him in 25 years. Then he says “Man, I used to love hanging out at your parents house with that heated pool and going Christmas caroling every year.” Caroling was a tradition in my family in the 70’s and 80’s. I almost said “let the minutes reflect my parent’s pool kicked ass!” but I didn’t. Now I figured I was in. I said that I came here hoping the city could do something about the condition of the house next door and get the property secured. Then the chief said they had a strong suspect and that he thought they recovered some property. He said don’t hold him to that but he was pretty sure. Then the mayor said that they would call the Realtor and have the property cleaned up ASAP. That’s how you do it Al Sharpton wannabe!

So I walked out of there feeling pretty good. It felt like we were heard, our concerns were taken seriously, and action was forthcoming. So on that following Monday, January 19 we called Detective Wethington to see if what chief said so correct – they had a suspect and recovered property. We got his voice mail and left a message. Come Wednesday, there was no return call. Also, the house still had not been secured or cleaned up so I was feeling like maybe we were only paid lip service. We called the detective Wednesday and again Friday, still no call back. Then on Saturday, I heard some commotion happening next door. I jumped up and was ready to spring into action and I saw it was St Louis’ worst Realtor Tom Azar. He was there cleaning up is broke-ass sign in the yard and looked to have a handyman with him. I was tempted to go over and confront him but I figured no good would come from it. It would probably devolve into me taunting him and making fun of him, and that’s what this blog is for.

Now I felt like I was getting some action, but was still disappointed that I had not heard back from the detective. We called again on Monday and one more time that week, but still no call back. I made a plan to call the chief on what would be Monday, Feb 2. Early that morning Kat called me at work and said she just got off the phone with Detective Wethington. He had arrested 6 people in connection with the break in of our house. They were all juveniles and only 4 were old enough to be charged. Also, he said that they had all of the stuff we listed as stolen and we could come by the police station and pick it up anytime we wanted. YES! He also told us he had been on vacation for two weeks and that he was sorry no one told us that he was out. Note to all secretaries/administrators: Let customers know if someone will not be able to return your call for some time and offer to let them talk to someone else. We said we would come by on Wednesday, Feb 4.

Kat and I each arranged to leave work a little early and we met at the police station. We meet with the detective and he gives us a brief synopsis of what happened. It was indeed kids from the neighborhood, but as he put it “They were busy little dirtbags” who were responsible for a number of crimes in the neighborhood. They had come through the window and grabbed our stuff. We got back my stereo, my Sirius receiver, and best of all, Kat’s new autographed leather Dale Earnhardt Jr. jacket – a most prized possession she did not even get the chance to wear yet. There was also a pile of other stuff there. As I looked at it I realized it was a cooler we had in our garage. I opened it up and looked inside and there were some die cast cars I had been storing, some games, and a case of DVD movies and software I had. We didn’t even know that stuff was missing! So not only did we get back everything we hoped, we got a bonus of getting back things we didn’t even know we lost.

We were really happy to get out things back but more importantly, it brought a little piece of mind and renewed confidence that our government and our police departments really do work. I know that sounds hokey, but we both truly felt that. I think it helps that we participated in the process; we didn’t just sit back and wait for city hall or the police to magically solve the problem. Did you know that nationwide, only 13% of burglaries are ever solved? Kat’s keen power of observation really helped. If she had not noticed the bike, the police may have never caught the little scumbags because I would have never set up the webcam that gave them the ID they needed. We watched the house for signs of activity and called the police when we saw something suspicious. We didn’t just wait for the police to do their job.

While the police had the photos I gave them, there were two other things that solidified who the suspects were. I told you that one of the things we lost was a big jar of change. Every day when we come home, we throw any change we have in the jar and at the end of the year we cash it in. It’s typically $200. Amazing how much change you accumulate in the course of a day. Det Wethington went to all of the area Coinstar machines to check if anyone turned in that amount of change. Turns out shortly after our break in, some cashed in $198.75 worth of change. Guess who it was? The same scumbags in the photos. The icing on the cake was that on one the little scumbags’ trips to the house next door, they left a cell phone. That gave the police the names and phone numbers of everyone in the gang. This reinforces my theory that most criminal are criminals because they are stupid and lazy.

So if you find yourself a victim, take a stand and get involved. Do not just sit around and wait for the police or government to solve your problem. Proactively participate in finding a solution. Setting up the web cam was really easy. Calling the police when we saw something was even easier. In the past, I would have just assumed that if I saw something that looked odd or suspicious that I would just be bothering the police because if something was really happening, SOMEONE ELSE would call the police. I can tell you that I am now a hero in my local police department for simply getting involved and helping do the job they like doing – catching scumbags. Hopefully that will buy a look the other way when I come home at 1:30 in the morning some day.

So that’s the tale of how were burglarized and caught the scumbags who did and got our stuff back. While it sucked in the moment, I can actually say this has been a positive experience. I do have a few more details to share with you that I will put in an epilogue. They didn’t fit neatly in the story, but they are worth sharing. I also owe you the story of how I got some revenge on craptastic Realtor Tom Azar. There are also a few friends who stepped up from out of nowhere to lend us a hand too. Finally and most recently, we had another “incident” involving this little gang of scumbags that may lead to another chapter in this story. Stay tuned for the epilogue.

Put Your Boobs Away, Grandma

2009-02-24T16:56:00.003-06:00

So the Oscars were this Sunday. So. I watched but mostly flipped the stations only stopping on ABC to see the top categories announced. And since I am a heterosexual male, I do not watch the pre/post/during fashion commentary. I did, however, come across this picture of Sharon Stone today. Yes, at one time she was the epitome of sexy. That was the 80's. There comes a time when a woman has to look in the mirror and realize her age and dress appropriately. I like seeing boobs as much as the next guy, likely more. This is just a desperate cry for attention.

She claims to be 50. You judge.

Saved By The Weave

2009-02-20T15:03:00.003-06:00

When I was in high school, I worked at the ghetto YMCA. You know what I mean. Depending on the city's size, each city has the following YMCAs: the Ghetto Y, the Rich Y, the Gay Y, the Family Y, and the Cop Y. These Ys can sometimes overlap (for instance, the Rich Y may also be the Family Y, depending on median neighborhood income) and sometimes other Y types are involved, but overall, I think you get the idea.

Anyway, I worked at the Ghetto Y. I was the only white girl on staff who wasn't one of the directors, meaning I didn't get to hide in my office from the clientele. This didn't bother me. When I wasn't busy, I spent my time looking up the ghettoest child names I could find in the member database. This was probably the best part of my job. Thanks to my research, my coworkers and I found out that our Ghetto Y was home to children named Chardonnay, Cabernet, Alize, Lo'real (which I originally thought was low-REAL but was actually the cosmetics company), D'Jamildo, Kartwinisha, and probably half the menu at Taco Bell.

Another great part of my job was the Weave Watch. Now, at the Rich Y, women show up to work out carrying thousand dollar handbags and wearing full makeup. At the Ghetto Y, ladies show up with their hair did. They don't get in the pool and they won't use a machine that requires them to recline, but they will show up fly. And sometimes they will fight each other.

One night I was working at the front desk, where I could see the swimming pool viewing area. A few adults were sitting around while their kids did a lesson, and although they didn't seem to be talking, apparently, a few of them had once been friendly. What I understood from the sudden "Bitch, you best" outburst was that one woman had once slept with the other woman's boyfriend, who also happened to be there. Words were exchanged, threats were made, and as we watched, something flew through the air.

I didn't even see it at first. I was too busy trying to decipher what the hell was going on. What made me stop was that one woman's hair got smaller. Where there was once a lacquered plastic swoop of stuff was now a tiny little frayed nub. I looked at the floor, and there it was. Removed from the head, the weave looked negelected and sad, possibly like a discarded rag or drowned rat. The woman who had just recently been attached to the weave didn't seem to notice that the other had ripped it from her head, and both had to be removed from the Y.

While my story is certainly awesome, it doesn't compare to the woman who was saved from a gunshot by her bulletproof weave. YES. As Fox 4 News in Kansas City said, it's unbeWEAVEable!

Secret Tweet is for.......

2009-02-19T17:42:00.006-06:00

If you have not heard of the phenomenon that is Twitter, then you are likely doing time. Twitter.com is a micro-blogging site where you have 140 characters to answer the questions “What are you going?” It sort of functions like a public instant messenger and recently lots of high profile media people, politicians, and a few celebrities have been using it. I confess to being a borderline twitterholic, but there are people who send dozens of “tweets”, individual message posts, each day. They spend hours on Twitter sharing the minutia of their lives with the world. You choose who you follow and you see only their messages.

One of the “people” you can follow is Secret Tweet. Secret Tweet was created to allow Twitter users to share secrets anonymously. So people go to secrettweet.com and write a post and it is anonymously posted on Twitter. Here are some recent examples:

I really wish I followed my first mind and didn't marry you. Even the way you sneeze irritates me. If it wasn't for the kid.

I thought I hated sex. Turns out I just hated sex with my husband. But my boyfriend now wont give it up too much.

I know my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. but he still calls me everyday to say he misses me. i wish she knew.

I call bullshit on about 80% of the tweets they send out. As someone who writes for a living, I know I have a distinct style, as do many of the posts on Secret Tweet. They are written like setup-punchline. I bet that there is a person sitting around watching TV with little to no elastic in their underwear eating BBQ pork rinds all day churning out a vast majority of these posts. And for those that are real, man up and say these things to the person they are aimed at. That’s what we do here at ImRubberYourGlue. We speak our mind and do hide in the shadows when we do. So what is Secret Tweet for? Secret Tweet is for

(that's pussies btw)

To Catch A Scumbag Part 4

2009-02-17T19:13:00.003-06:00

Continued from To Catch a Scumbag Part 3

Now back to our tale. I was fed up and I wanted action. I decided that I was not going to go to work and hide in the house and wait to catch these people. They had come and gone every day so I figured I had a solid chance. I also wanted to have contractors out to give bids on repairing the damage and a few burglar alarm companies as well. I took my car up to the police station and left it so it looked like no one was home. I waited, and waited. I had the camera set up and was watching my computer monitor all day. Zero activity the whole day. All I saw was squirrels and birds, no criminals. I decided it was a fluke and did the same thing the next day. Pretty early the next morning I see a person come down from behind the house next door, jump the fence, and start heading across the yard to towards the house. I jump up, grab my cell phone and my weapon of choice and head outside. Rather than going in the house, he comes around the front and is heading down the street. I stop him and ask him what he is doing. He tells me he is going to the store. So I lay into him about how this is private property and what could happen to people who trespass and that I better not ever see him cutting through again. He was polite and said he wouldn’t cut through anymore.

We had plans to go out for the day on Saturday, January 10 to Clarksville, MO to go eagle watching and eat at this really great restaurant called Village of the Blue Rose. We set up the camera and headed out for the day. We were gone for about 12 hours that day. We had a great time and forgot about all of our problems for awhile. I decided to review the footage and it was pretty much a field day of people coming and going from the house next door. I got really great shots of a person entering the house through the back door so I printed it out and called the police. One of the original patrol officers showed up and I handed him the photos. Two of the people were ones I had stopped earlier and a couple new faces. He seemed pretty impressed that we had pictures and times of people coming and going. He checked out the house and of course, no one was there.So we show up at the Woodson Terrace city council meeting on Thursday, January 15 with our photos of the suspects in hand as well as pictures of the mess from the Realtors busted ass signs scattered across the yard. I had two goals. To get the city to force the Realtor to take action and to get the house boarded up or otherwise secured. Right after the Pledge of Allegiance there is an opportunity for any citizens to bring business to the board. There were not many people there but I waited and let some others speak. I think this really worked to my advantage. This is also a bit of a departure from our crime story, but a couple of things happened before I got to speak that made me both laugh and worry. First, there were two ladies there who seemed to be “regulars.” I have to figure that if you are regularly going to city council meetings you may be some sort of crack pot. They did not prove me wrong. They were asking questions about how does one run for alderman, why is so and so allowed to have a sign in their yard but someone else is not and on and on. Finally they finished and another person got up to speak.

Let me just give you a little background about Woodson Terrace. While things are vastly different now, back in the 1980’s there was only one black family in the Woo. That’s it. Solamente uno. In 1992, I was working in real estate and a friend of mine sold a house to another black couple in Woodson Terrace. She got death threats. That’s right, plural. She got a lot of angry phone calls from local residents of that post World War II generation that were predominate at that time. A lot of those people and feelings are still prevalent today, but I think it is easy to say that presently Woodson Terrace is a diverse mix of races and cultures.

A couple of years ago a new night club called Brothers opened in our town. It catered to an upscale black crowd. Of course the old guard in town did not like. First and most obviously, because of the of the color of the skin of the patrons. Second, it replaced a local institution that was a favorite of the old guard – Groan’s Cafeteria. Brothers always seemed to have a good crowd and I never heard of any problems related to the club. For whatever reason the placed closed and the next speaker was there because she was looking to open a new business, again a nightclub, in the same location.

The woman got up and introduced herself and said she was looking to get a liquor license. Immediately the mayor stopped her and said that she needed to first go through the process of applying for the license and having an background check completed by the police department and that this was not the forum for that. She claimed she did do those things but the city clerk politely told her that no, she applied for a business license, not a liquor license they are two different things. She sat down but her husband was with her. I think he thought he was going to use his powerful oratory skills and the council would be so impressed that they would hand over a liquor license on the spot.

He started off by introducing himself as he husband and saying he was just there to support his wife. He then launched into a long diatribe about how she is a wonderful person and she should not be judged by any of his actions. So now am thinking “felon!” Then he starts talking about how he is proud of his life. The mayor obliged for awhile and then again told them that there is a process, and if they would follow the process then they may end up with their license. Since his goal was not achieved, he continued. The mayor only let this go on a short time and once again reviewed the process for getting a liquor license. The man started to get angry since the council had still failed to hand over the license even after he waxed philosophical. The chief of police cut in and said “Look, we told you what to do and you haven’t done it. And when I stopped by the other day while you were working in the building I told you that it would be a good idea to get your liquor license before continuing to do any work. Call and set up an appointment to get your license and background check. You cannot do that here.” So the man said, “I don’t understand why you are making us jump through all these hoops. When you stopped by the other day, I was not illiterate in any way…..” That is not a typo. The man said he was not illiterate. I believe he meant belligerent. This was only one of many large words he used out of context during his diatribe. I also think he felt he was just so charming that he should a liquor license. Finally he sat down but the ordeal was not over. The couple brought their pastor with them. He too was told about the process and that this couple has not taken any of the steps to complete the process. Well, he pastor launched into his best Al Sharpton and hinted at the racism that must be behind the city wanting them to actually apply for a liquor license. So now I am thinking that maybe it is not just crackpots who go to these meetings. This is solid entertainment.

More to come.....

IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week UPDATE -- Suck It, Douchebags!

2009-02-15T21:54:00.005-06:00

Awhile back, we nominated uber-douche Michael Minelli for the IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week Award for attempting to sue Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags dot com and author of a book of the same name. Basically, Jay caught Michael being a douche and put him in his rightful place -- on the Internet where everyone could make fun of him. Also suing Jay Louis for defamation were three women pictured on the site.

Jesus, even Fox News jumped on the hott/douchey bandwagon.

Unlikely allies aside, it is with great, gloating, ha ha ha you're a spray-tanned loser with too many Ed Hardy T-shirts pleasure that I announce the dismissal of all HCwD lawsuits earlier this week. Pictured below are Jersey-bred Yvette Gorzelany and Joanna Obiedzinski, two of the female lawsuit-ers, who, despite their best efforts, are pictured allegedly in the exact way they will appear in the book, of course demonstrating their uncanny ability to pick really excellent friends.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 3

2009-02-13T16:36:00.009-06:00

(Continued from To Catch a Scumbag Part 2)

On Monday, January 5, my so called vacation came to an end and back to work I went. I set up the camera and had Kat turn it on before she left for work. I came home and started to review the photos. We had it set to capture a picture every 10 seconds and the camera was on for just over 9 hours. Do the math – that’s over 3,000 photos to view. You would be amazed how quickly you can look at pictures, especially when all you are looking for is something that is different from one picture to the next. You can easily view 5 or so per second. After flipping through several hundred in rapid succession and only seeing a squirrel, who ran up and down the telephone pole next door at least 15 times before noon, I was thinking this was a colossal waste of time. Nonetheless, I kept scrolling through the pics. The time stamp showed 1:00, 2:00, 3:00 and right at 3:58:42 there is a picture of a guy going into the house next door! I had gotten home that day at like ten minutes after four, but now it was just before 5:00 p.m. I thought it was likely that person was still in the house.

I grabbed my cell phone and called Det. Wethington and asked him “what would you do if I told you I have a picture of someone breaking in the house next door? He asked me how I got that and I told him about my little set up. he laughed and then I said I think the guy may be in the house right now and that I was going to go over there. He said he would be right over and he was. He brought a patrol officer with him and they both went in. Again, no one was in the house but a different bicycle was in the kitchen. In fact, it looked like the bike Kat saw on New Year’s Eve. He asked if I had a digital camera he could borrow and snapped some pics of the bike. I e-mailed him those photos and the photo of the guy going in the house. Now the police had pictures of a suspect and his mode of transportation. He left the bike and the house unlocked with the hope of catching this scumbag in the act. If only had watched the photos from most recent to oldest, we may have caught the guy that day. So now I am really fired up about this. The photo wasn’t good enough that you could positively ID the person, but it was evidence. So I decide to search for higher resolution cameras, particularly ones that have a zoom lens. I choose the Microsoft VX-6000 and ran to best Buy and dropped $70 on one. I hooked it up to the PC and the picture quality was noticeably improved and the zoom was pretty powerful. I knew this was gonna help me catch a scumbag! Then I tested it with the time lapse capture software and ran into a snag. When I used the time lapse, it reset the camera which meant the lens would not stay zoomed in. DAMMIT. I decided to run with it anyway since it did have higher resolution. I also decided that I was going to take a picture every 5 seconds now.

On January 6 we went through the same routine. I set up the camera and Kat turned it on before she went to work. This time when I came home I had over 6,000 pictures to sort through, but this time I started at the most recent and worked to the oldest. We again got pictures of three different people coming on to the property next door. I e-mailed them to the detective. Wednesday was pretty much a repeat. So each day I get pics of people coming onto the property. We call the police again and a patrol man comes out and reviews the pictures and checks out the house. Every time we deal with the police they are very nice and seem genuinely concerned and wanting to take action. Still, I am getting frustrated that I keep seeing people on the property and still on one has been caught. I start checking the house several times per day.

On Thursday we went through our routine and when Kat went to set up the camera, she noticed that the blinds in the window closest to our house are now missing on the house next door. They were definitely there at 10:00 p.m. the night before. I was at work and she called me and told me and then she called 911. Now I was thinking maybe the criminals knew we were watching them so now they are watching us. I bolted out of work and got home to meet three Woodson Terrace police officers at our house. One of them was a guy who I went to high school with. Again, they were very accommodating and we all went next door and now the bike was gone from the kitchen and now a lawn mower was there. Obviously they are stealing stuff and stashing it in the house. There is also evidence that they are partying in the house.

Now for a brief interlude. Right after we discovered that our house was broken into and that some of our stuff was found at the vacant house next door, I called the Realtor who had the house for sale. The agent’s name is Tom Azar from Able Real Estate and I thought he would want to know that the house had been broken into and people were still coming and going. I also wanted him to know that his sign and information box was broken and strewn across the yard. I would think any responsible Realtor would want to present the property in the best light possible so they could get it sold and earn a commission. That would be in your self interest not to mention the fiduciary responsibility you have to serve your client who is paying you. Man was I wrong. This dickhead Tom Azar tells me he doesn’t care and that I should be a good neighbor and do something about it myself and hangs up on me. Of course he will not answer any more of my calls. (I get back at him in several ways – more later)

More to come........

Sorry Mom

2009-02-13T16:22:00.006-06:00

The contributors of imrubberyourglue are not always as cranky as you might think. Although we mete out harsh treatment for Octo-Moms and home invaders, we also give credit where credit is due. Past recipients of such goodwill are Deus Ex Malcontent, Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and Kathy "I Don't Come To Your Work and Smack the Dicks Out of Your Mouth" Griffin.

The thing is, misery loves company. Sure we'd love the world to be all sunshine and rainbows and bottomless pints of beer, delicious beer, but the facts are thus: you can't get rainbows without rain and well-adjusted people never develop drinking ~~problems~~ habits. With this in mind, I'd like to raise a toast to one of my new favorites, I Bang the Worst Dudes.

And I swear I didn't build the site myself.

Ever banged someone you wish you hadn't? Well, I fucking hope so, because why the hell else are you here? Even if you never submit a Worst Dude of your own, I highly recommend visiting I Bang the Worst Dudes. At the very least, it'll make a small percentage of your worst lays maybe...possibly...hopefully a little more bearable in retrospect. Compared to the guy who makes you bone to the sweet sounds of the Aladdin soundtrack, I mean.

Castration via Transportation

2009-02-13T10:24:00.004-06:00

One of our contributors, Idea Jones, and his new "manly" wheels.

Sandwiches and Orgasms

2009-02-12T12:24:00.000-06:00

Just a small life observation; Sandwiches and orgasms are a lot alike. They are both better when made by someone else. That is all.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 2

2009-02-10T17:00:00.002-06:00

We called the Woodson Terrace police and Captain Mike Thompson was the first to arrive. We brought him in and showed him where our stuff was and showed him the cord hanging out of the closed window. When we did, Kat noticed a bike on the patio of the house next door. That house has been vacant and been for sale for over a year. The bike did not belong there. We had not seen a bike in that yard at any time in the year proceeding. She mentioned it but we all did not think anything of it. A detective arrived and a patrol man and we looked to see if anything else was missing. They made some suggestions of things to look for. “Are you missing any liquor?” Sure enough we were missing several bottles of booze. “How about any loose change you collect?” We had been saving up all of our daily change in a jar all year. I went to where it was kept and it too was missing. I figured it was about $200 in coins.

The cops did their thing; took finger prints, snapped pictures, asked more questions. They gave us the police report number, asked us to call if we realized anything else was missing, and said they would be in touch. They felt confident that after they questioned everyone who had been working in the house, they would have a suspect. When they left we went back outside and noticed the bike that was next door was now gone. That got some wheels clicking. I went next door and saw the back door was open on that house and a suitcase was setting just outside of the door. It was obvious the suitcase was not left behind be the previous owners. It wasn’t wet (it had been raining) and wasn’t weathered at all. I told Kat to call the detective back because someone could be in the house. I did not go in, but stood in the back so I could see if anyone came out. The captain and Detective James “JW” Wethington came back and went in the house with their guns drawn.

Unfortunately, no one was in the house but there was a bike, not the one from the back porch, inside. They came out, opened the suitcase and the liquor from our house was inside! We knew for sure because we had just been given a bottle of homemade lemoncello as a Christmas present from our good friend Marty the day before. We put the bottle in our freezer. So these creeps literally went through everything in our house.

So we hung out around the house for awhile, doing laundry and watching some TV. I have always heard people say that when your house is burglarize, it’s not about the stuff, it’s about feeling violated that people were in YOUR house going through YOUR things. I was now in touch with that emotion. I wanted to spend the night there but Kat was able to talk me into going back to the hotel around 9:00 p.m. We canceled our plans for the night and just stayed in our room watching movies. Kat was asleep before midnight but I could not sleep. I just laid there getting pissed. I was determined that I was going to catch whomever it was that dared to break into my house.

So just before 6:00 a.m. on January 1, New Year’s Day, I couldn’t take it. I got up, left the hotel, and headed to our house. I had a feeling I was going to find something. When I pulled up there was a bike on the side of the house next door! I knew I had them. I thought better of going in the house myself and called 911. The Woodson Terrace police were there quickly and went in, again with guns drawn. I heard I loud slam and I was anticipating them coming out with someone in cuffs. No luck. However, there was a different bike in the house and they took the one that was on the outside. Damn. I thought this would come to a quick end.

So now there is no way I am leaving the house. I told Kat that she could stay at the hotel but I was staying at our house from now on. I called my brother-in-law Tony and asked if he could come over and put up some heavy plastic where the ceiling was missing so we could run the furnace warm enough to stay out the house. By the way, Tony is awesome and if you ever need a handy man in the St Louis are, call him. I also wanted to get the dogs out of the kennel. You can call Brinks or ADT to get a security system; I’ll take my dog Cali over them. She is a German Shepherd/Rottweiler mix and 70 pound of solid muscle. She is very territorial and if she would have been home when someone tried to break in we would have had a different mess to clean up. We have another dog, Harley who is much bigger than Cali and a good barker, but let’s just say she is not very intimidating. She might smack you in the calf with her tail, if she bothers to get up. The kennel was closed so I had to wait until Saturday to get the girls.

So all weekend I sat in the house, half watching TV and half watching the house next door. I had to go back to work Monday but was really apprehensive about leaving the house. I started looking up video surveillance systems on the internet. They are not cheap and not something you can quickly or easily install. So on Sunday, I get the idea that maybe I can do this with a web cam. So I start searching for a way to do time lapse images and I find Handy AVI that looks to do exactly what I want. I wasn’t completely sure it would work so I went to Wal-mart and bought an inexpensive web cam the Microsoft VX-3000. I came home and did a test and it worked well.

To be continued.....

Hey Aqualung or.....

2009-02-09T17:19:00.004-06:00

Only pussies apologize. That was the alternate title for this post. So a lot of people are upset that Michael Phelps was smoking a little weed. Yes, that is very unusual activity for a 23 year old with no job. Some of his sponsors are even dropping him including Kellogs. Who do they think is easting all of that cereal? So Michael apologized for his behavior. I don’t think he should have.

Someone else who has felt compelled to throw out a bunch of mea culpas is Christian Bale. He had a bad day at work and yelled at someone. Big deal right? Who hasn’t yelled at someone who didn’t truly deserve. Sure, listening to the rant has been a loot of fun, but that could have been any one of us. He just happened to be taped. Besides, what is point of spending all of your life training 12 hours a day or committing so much to your work that you drop to 100 pounds for role if not take advantage of the fame. And why would anyone want to be famous if they can’t become self-indulgent? Sure, some actors are committed to just the craft, but most simply want to be famous. Now Phelps and Bale feel the need to apologize for typical human behavior.

It’s strange that those who really do not need to apologize are quick to offer up an apology and those who need to be the most sorry are often unrepentant. You know who needs to apologize? The media needs to apologize not only for making too big deal out of these situations, but also for foisting octomom Nadya Suleman on us. Who cares? If someone crazy bitch wants to treat her vagina like a clown car then so be it. Don’t waste my time on it.

So with all that being said, I present to you Christian Bale vs. Bill O’Reilly.

Orphanages R' Us

2009-02-06T14:30:00.006-06:00

By now, everyone and their only-a-few-kids-tops-making mother has heard about Nadya Suleyman and her octuplets. The ridiculous results of overzealous IVF frequently make the news, not to mention corporate sponsorships and endless jokes about having a litter.

The Octo-Mom (term courtesy of Perez Hilton and I am stealing it) is no different. When the story first broke, she became kind of a saint for the pro-life cause. Of course a normal woman would learn about 8 babies living inside her and freak out. It would be perfectly normal for her to terminate one or two or seven of them. But Nadya Suleyman is not normal. Shit, she's not even sane. She also shouldn't be considered a representative for anyone other than the kinds of people who hoard dozens of cats in their minivans.

A few days after Nadya gave birth to her eight newest children, it was revealed that the 33-year-old has six other children already. SIX. ALL of whom were also conceived via IVF. "All I wanted was children," she told Ann Curry this morning. Bitch, you had children! Listen, I went to Catholic school, okay? My parents weren't totally into reproducing, but there were a couple of families who didn't believe in birth control. The largest family in the parish had seven children, which, though not typical, was still acceptable. All those kids were a couple of years apart. All those kids were conceived the old fashioned way. All those kids didn't belong to a woman who is single, lives with her parents in a 2-bedroom house, and declared bankruptcy last year.

I may not be up on my financial terminology, but I always thought bankruptcy meant no money. Like, not enough money to pay for IVF, an extremely costly and painful procedure that most heartbroken women turn to as a second-to-last resort before considering adoption.

Right?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Nadya Suleyman really does just love babies as she claims. Maybe she really will give all 14 kids the best upbringing ever. Maybe she's not a wackjob whose mission in life is to collect as many human beings as possible and -- you know it's true -- collect government assistance for at least half of those little bastards.

Maybe she's not trying to steal Angelina Jolie's baby crazy thunder, though the below image certainly suggests otherwise. All I know is that if I were Zahara Jolie-Pitt, I'd put down the Montessori toys and start whittling a shiv out of Maddox's toothbrush.

Far be it from me to disparage someone else's reproductive rights, but in this age of celebrity worship and terrible choices involving reality television, doesn't Nadya Suleyman's decision to have eight children at a time with six previous children being herded about by the grandparents seem a little odd to you? As if the blessing of eight screaming, shitting, money-sucking machines wasn't enough, Nadya hired not one, but two publicists to field her interview requests and, it's presumed, assistance *cough* sponsorship *cough* opportunities.

Which is why it's heartening to know that the standard baby-loving corporations Procter & Gamble and Gerber have stayed way the hell away from Nadya and her mess of a brain (not to mention cervix, ZING!). We may reward criminals and fame whores and all sorts of other weirdos in this country, but child hoarders are a different story.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 1

2009-02-05T17:35:00.004-06:00

Strap in kids. This story is long and involved but the payoff is worth it. This is the true story of having our home burglarized, and how we caught the people who did it and got our stuff back. I have decided to break this story up into several smaller posts due to the length.

Just to give you some context, let me tell you about my and my wonderful wife Kathy’s (Kat for short) big Christmas vacation plans, which is when these events took place. Both Kat and I took two weeks off of work and had all sorts of plans to do things, which also included plenty of time to do nothing. On the first day of our “vacation,” Monday, Dec 22, we started off by watching movies. We were watching The Hulk when Kat said

“Hit mute. I hear something weird.” So I did and I heard it too. I got up and walked toward the source in the kitchen, and water trickling down from the ceiling in one spot. Then quickly another, then another, and another. Now water was coming from everywhere, including out of the light fixtures. It was obvious that a pipe burst in our attic so I had to shut off the water. The indoor shut off would not budge so I went to the main in the front yard. No luck there either. I needed to find my tools but by now I am panicking a bit and cannot think where they are. Finally, we did close the main shut off but by then the damage was done. There were several inches of water on the floor in every room in the house.

We got out the wet/dry vac and got all of the water sucked up. It looked like no real damage was done and none of our stuff was damaged. Kat had the presence of mind to grab all of our valuables, including portable electronics, and put them in the car. We were feeling pretty good that we mitigated the damage as much as possible when the ceiling collapsed, spreading drywall, more water, and wet insulation over EVERYTHING. Crap! We called the insurance company who sent over a company who came and cleaned up that mess and set up huge fans and dehumidifiers in an effort to dry everything out. That meant we could not stay in the house, so we went to a hotel and the dogs went to the kennel.

So late on December 22, we checked into Hilton near the airport (got a good rate off of Hotwire). Got up the next morning to meet the representative from the company doing the clean up to see how the drying was going. Turns out the damage was worse than initially thought and it was going to take several days to allow the equipment to run and determine what could be saved and what would need to be replaced. So we met again the next day, then the next, and on Friday it was determined that we would let it go the weekend and check again on Monday. Monday came, and while there was progress, it was not where they would like, so the next target was Wednesday. If there was not more improvement then more of the ceiling would have to come down.

Each day we had been coming and going from the house. Meeting the insurance people, doing laundry, meeting contractors, and such. There was one exception - Tuesday, December 30. Kat had to work that day and I had made plans to go geocaching with my friend Jeff. We did not go by the house at all that day. We had to meet the clean up company at 11:00 a.m. on New Year’s Eve (Wednesday). We arrived and the crew was right behind us. Keep in mind that the house is in total disarray. Nothing is where it should be and the furniture that was in the two most affected rooms, the kitchen and the dining room, was spread throughout the house, making each room cluttered. As we left the guys to work, Kat says “Where is your (stereo) receiver?” I looked around and could not find it. I also could not find my Sirius satellite radio receiver. Then we notice various drawers are open and things are more out of place than we left them. Kat went outside in the back and notices the cord for the blinds in our family room is hanging out of the closed window. As we toured around more we found a box of our checks thrown in the neighbor’s yard. Now we are certain someone was in the house. Since we were sure that the windows were locked, we assumed that one of the workers left the window unlocked and that he or some friend came back later. That made sense since no one knew we were not staying there and the dogs were in the kennel, except those people. Not to mention that most of those workers did not look like fine upstanding citizens.

To be continued…….

Here's An Idea For Democrats

2009-02-04T17:07:00.002-06:00

PAY YOUR F&CKIN' TAXES!

Holy crap, does no one within the D.C. beltway pay the proper income tax? Utterly ridiculous. And for the ultimate in irony, please enjoy this commercial from Tom Daschle's 1986 senatorial campaign.

You Are On Notice!

2009-02-03T16:58:00.003-06:00

Coming Soon - The unreal, but completely true, story of how I caught the scumbags that broke into my house and got all my stuff back.

And yes, I suck at Photoshop so piss off.

Never Under Estimate Americans

2009-02-02T17:18:00.004-06:00

Please note that while all the movies that are nominated for Academy Awards (Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, The Reader,Milk, Benjamin Button) are currently playing at the the theaters, the top grossing movie is Paul Blart:Mall Cop. Never under estimate American's taste for crap. This also explains why Hell Hound Nancy Grace continues to have a television show. And you thought this was going to be a patriotic post?

SEX ED that works

2009-01-22T21:07:00.002-06:00

As our population GROWS.

SemenLing normal folk continue to contribute to an overpopulation problem. Despite generations of CUM CATCHI'N DEVICES.

So, I have an idea that is summed up in a statement. "Take it on the face for your future".

Because, a Cum ON is better than a Cum IN.

It's Not Me Chrysler, It's You.

2009-01-03T10:49:00.004-06:00

Bob Nardelli, the CEO of Chrysler recently posted a big ol' ad on the company's blog thanking us, the American taxpayers, for bailing them out. As you can see, the ad features hundreds of smiling and appreciative faces apparently representing the thankful employees of he company. A nice gesture from Chrysler, right? Apparently most people disagree. I have been reading all of the comments that have been posted and I have yet to come across on positive one. Some of them are just delightful and you can read them yourself here. In the meantime, here are some hightlights:

"Mr Nardelli, Fire your PR and advertising teams and execs immediately. We the People did not want to see any more ads and money wasted on ads, be it from Chrysler, et al, or from your own pocket."

"Hey Crysler! You're not welcome. You took my hard earned tax dollars without congressional approval. This is not the time for a "thank you." This would be a good time for a refund...and an apology."

"The very thought that MY money is going to go to some union lackey's pockets just makes me queasy."

" thanking Americans for stealing their money is NOT something to boast about on your website. The American public DID speak when we choose to NOT buy your cars."

Job Training

2009-01-01T17:51:00.002-06:00

First Kathy Griffin told Jesus to suck it, and now she done told some fairy boy in Times Square that he shouldn't screw around with people's airtime. We've been handing our the IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week awards for awhile now, but I say it's time for the Internet Awesomest Badass Totally Radical Broad of the Week award.

Kathy "I Don't Come Down To Your Work and Knock The Dicks Out Of Your Mouth" Griffin gets the first one.

evil = cool

2009-01-01T16:48:00.002-06:00

I don't want to tell Christians how to handle their PR, but if there were more cool party pics on the internet of the Baby Jesus throwing what looks like a HELL of a party the churches would be packed.

A Deeper Shade of Sole

2008-12-18T18:52:00.001-06:00

Do what the Iraqi media cannot. Hit Bush in the face with a shoe.

http://www.sockandawe.com/

ImRubberYourGlue Staffer Makes Good

2008-12-14T15:26:00.004-06:00

Erin (aka The Rocket Queen), one of the hilarious contributors to this site went nationwide. One of her photos in on the Fail Blog. Check it out.

http://failblog.org/2008/12/14/flea-market-fail/

W is The Batman

2008-12-14T15:13:00.005-06:00

Say what you want about W. The man has some awesome reflexes.

Maybe we are all in the Matrix and he is Neo! Bush is The one.

Let's Sing About Date Rape

2008-12-14T15:00:00.004-06:00

You can write a song about anything, right? Ben Taylor agrees with me. He is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon and is an up and coming singer/songwriter, of course. He has a song that is playing a lot on Sirus XM's Coffee House channel called Wicked Way. From what I can summize, it's a song about date rape. This isn't the first song to get air play about date rape. In the 90's Sublime had a song called Date Rape. The difference between that song and Taylor's is that the Sublime song was anti-date rape. I'm sure being raised by two iconic music stars of the 70's can mess anyone up, but you judge for yourself and tell me what this song is about.

Leading Cause of Death in Hollywood -- Being a Famous Person's Sibling

2008-12-12T12:09:00.006-06:00

Boy, am I ever glad that my sister is unemployed and still living at home! If she was a famous actress, I'd probably be dead by now. That's a relief.

Last week, Mark Ruffalo's hairstylist brother was shot in the head while allegedly snorting a ton of coke (I'm just guessing, I can't imagine another drug that makes the user so overly confident and faaabulous looking) and playing Russian Roulette. It was originally thought that he was shot by someone else, but apparently some party girl with ties to the Saudi Arabian royal family is a legit witness.

I'm not sure how true her story is, but it certainly has more of a plot than the numerous chick flicks Mark Ruffalo has chosen to associate himself with.

Hmmm.

Too soon?

Actually, it's a shame this sort of thing had to happen. I mean, it would be a shame to happen to anyone, of course, but Mark Ruffalo's real roles are always well done. Plus I read that his brother had a wife and stepkids. It must have been bad enough to know he was shot, but the drugs and the gun games?

Then Macauley Culkin's sister got smoked by a car (get it, smoked?). Just stepped off a curb and someone hit her. Of course it happened in L.A. Everyone there drives and everyone there drives badly, which to to say nothing about how everyone there is also an asshole.

It's not like I'm making fun of dead siblings of famous people, or people who shoot themselves in the head while playing Russian Roulette, or people who get hit by cars while crossing the street, or even dead people in general. It just seems odd that Fate has chosen to pick off the less famous brothers and sisters of actors lately. Look out, Charlie O'Connell! Watch your back, Eric Roberts! The Grim Reaper could be coming for you!

Nucular Fail

2008-11-24T20:10:00.002-06:00

This is just...I mean, I can't even...Jesus, Sarah Palin. What the fuck?

Next time you do some nasally interview about the Presidential turkey pardon, could you, I don't know, umm, try not to do it at a turkey slaughterhouse while a turkey is being killed behind you? PLEASE?

IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Month - Michael Minelli

2008-11-24T19:38:00.007-06:00

* It seems I am not the only one who thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag. I'm in expertly good company, at least when it comes to douchebags, that is. Turns out that Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, also thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag, and enough of one to include in a book modeled after his Web site.

If you've ever abused your employer's liberal Internet privileges, you've probably stumbled upon Hot Chicks with Douchebags at some point. I don't remember exactly when I found it, but I do know that I immediately shared it with my work friends. Less than two weeks later, some random Douchebag was the mascot of a PowerPoint happy hour invitation.

Hot Chicks with Douchebags (hereafter referred to as HCWD because I'm sick of typing the whole thing) is clever in its subtlety. Jay Louis doesn't ruminate on the intellectual merit of his subjects (assuming they have it, but of course, that's not the point). He doesn't extrapolate on their lives beyond the photo in which they appear. They are, quite simply, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. And on HCWD, this is all that matters.

(dude, you're such a douche.)

So anyway, Michael Minelli is some douchebag "club promoter" in Vegas who wound up on HCWD. Surprise -- he got pissed. I like to imagine that his roided-up pecs bulged to the point of popping and whatever silly bandana --oh, sorry, it's probably a do-rag -- he tied on slipped right off his gel-slicked head only to irritate him further by snagging on an uber-douchey diamond ear stud. Keep in mind, this is only speculation. Besides, men, even the douchebag kind, don't handle their disputes like men anymore. They don't bump chests, snort, punch one another in the face, and then decide to be buds once the ass kicking is done. No. They do not do that. What do they do?

They hire lawyers.

Michael Minelli sicced a team of lawyers on Jay Louis on the grounds of libel. That is, without Jay Louis and his book o' douche, no one in the world would ever think Michael Minelli was less than an A-ok guy. With, um, lots of bronzer and an "oops, I was walking down the street and just happened to walk into a graffiti artist war!" t-shirt. Plus the aforementioned pecs, do-rag, and studs.

So I nominate Michael Minelli for IRYG's Internet Douchebag of the Week. It wasn't easy beating out Sarah Palin's surreal turkey slaughterhouse fail, but you've done it. Now get that nozzle out of your ass and get down tha club. Tha honeys is waitin'.

*PS: I have no idea if any of the Douchebags pictured here are Michael Minelli, but I highly doubt it's the guys at the top. Michael Minelli is based in Vegas, and those two idiots reek of Jersey.

Skip Church - Watch This

2008-11-23T10:31:00.000-06:00

You will get the idea in the first 30 seconds but don't tune out. Stick with it or skip to about 4:30 in. You will be glad you did.

Too Hell With Oprah, These Are My Favorite Things

2008-11-22T09:33:00.002-06:00

Not counting my wife, there are very few things I can say that a truly love. Drinking? Sure. Really good pizza? That's a given. Sex? Of course. All those things satisfy a basic human need. So beyond that it gets difficult for me to name things a enjoy deeply. With one exception - when people are attacked by wild animals. I cannot never hear enough stories about when people, using doing something that challenges the order set in nature, cause themselves to be hurt by a wild animal. The more horrific the injury ot stupid the deed the more I like. Here is the latest

Panda bites student seeking a hug

The Jungle Idiots

2008-11-21T19:54:00.003-06:00

Dear Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz,

WHAT THE FUCK.

Although I don't claim to understand the motivation behind naming your child Bronx Mowgli Wentz and I have no background in child psychology or behavior, I belief I can safely predict that your firstborn son is going to get the crap kicked out of him. Repeatedly. Even if he doesn't have retarded hair or guyliner.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. You fuckers.

Sincerely,

IRYG

Symptoms of the Problem

2008-11-19T16:22:00.006-06:00

I realize that times are tough in the good ol' US of A right now. The stock market is below 8000. Banks are failing. Every time you turn on the TV you hear about more layoffs. But let's face it, it's still really good here. Even as bad as things may seem now, we are way better off than 99.867% of the rest of the world. Our poor people own televisions for crying out loud. There are kids in 3rd world nations that are dreaming of that their version of Santa Claus will bring them a stick. It's so good in America that we have to create new problems. The latest? Eco-anxiety.

Eco-anxiety is a form of depression caused by feeling anxious over the state of the environment. People with this "disorder" worry constantly about recycling, global warming, and the like. Here is an example; a Berkeley mother so stressed out about the extravagance of her nightly baths that she has started to reuse her daughter's bath water. This being the US, if there is a problem, we have a solution - eco-anxiety therapists. The therepists say that we are so disconnected with nature that this is the end result. For $250 they give the patients such sage advice "carry a rock with you" or "go outside."

What is the profile of the typical eco-anxiety sufferer? Wealthy white women. Of course. If you were poor and concerned about feeding your family you would not have time to get upset that someone dropped a Snickers wrapper on the ground. Time will tell but my call is that this may be the new anoriexia. I am reminded what the late great George Carlin said about women with anorexia. "Some rich bitch doesn't want to eat? Fuck her." I think that says it all.

Less Than Fabulous

2008-11-17T20:18:00.004-06:00

Brad's right. What were we thinking when we voted for a president that might actually, I don't know, do a few things right for a change? We of imrubberyourglue have been sort of adrift amid the usual piss and vinegar of the Internet. Do you miss the good old fashioned rants of early to mid-2008? Me too, yo. It's a good thing Mickey Rourke is still alive.

Mickey Rourke has recently fallen into the Old Reliable of modern day celebrity cliches -- he apologized for calling someone a name. Apparently, some gossip columnist (everyone else seems to think it's Perez Hilton) speculated that Mickey was dating Evan Rachel Wood, also known as Marilyn Manson's ex-girlfriend, also known as -- ha! -- the Welfare Version of Dita Von Teese.

Mickey took offense to being linked with an attractive young lady with potential, got drunk, and said the following to the paparazzi: "C'mon, get a grip. And tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs."

And, of course, people got pissy. And, of course of course, Mickey Rourke apologized. In typical written-by-a-publicity-intern fashion, the statement read "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone."

Bitch, please.

I'm not advocating that anyone in the public eye should be able to gay bash their way straight to DVD. I don't think the word "faggot" should be used to describe an unsavory character, nor am I one of those religious fascists having chaste, missionary-only celebrations for the passing of the allegedly family-values-destroying Prop 8.

But I also think that the celebrity apology has gone too far. Mickey Rourke called some guy a faggot. Big fucking deal. We're not talking about Barney the Dinosaur here, we're talking about Mickey Rourke. Barfly. Cocaine. Short-lived pro boxing career. Terrifying plastic surgery. Possible Evan Rachel Wood boinking. Mickey. Fucking. Rourke. Seriously, what do people expect of the man? I'd be disappointed if he never said anything offensive about anyone.

I mean, really. Expecting Mickey Rourke to be nice is like expecting Gary Busey to be sane. It’s totally unrealistic and you’ll always be disappointed. And, if you’re like me and my fellow IRYG contributors, you’ll be irritated beyond reason that a Hollywood fuckup is forced to apologize for whatever bonehead thing everyone knew he was going to say, anyway.

So stop apologizing, Mickey Rourkes of the world. Be a drunk. Be an idiot. Be weird and creepy and brush that pubey beard to your heart’s content. Say dumb things if you’d like, but don’t for a second fool yourself into believing people expect more of you.

People Magazine Headline From Today

2008-11-16T11:49:00.008-06:00

I always think of People Magazine as the antithesis of what we do at ImRubberYoueGlue (or maybe I should say the perfect fodder). It's constant coverage or trite issues and celebrities who take themselves way to seriously. Here is today's gem:

Yes, exactly like poetry. Very closeted gay poetry.

An Open Letter to Mel Karmazin

2008-11-14T14:07:00.003-06:00

This is not a typical post for ImRubberYourGlue, but as I explained previously I have been too happy to write the normal fare for this site. Besides, people actually read this blog so maybe someone could forward it to Mel. In case you did not know, Mel Karmazin is the CEO of Siruis XM, the satellite radio provider of which I am a subscriber and a share holder. A lot of shares. A lot of shares that I paid an average around $4.50 to own and are, as of this morning, are being traded at 26 cents. Something has to be done.

I love Sirius. I have been a subscriber since October of 2005 and have not listened to terrestrial radio since. When I heard Howard Stern was moving to satellite radio I did two things; I bought a receiver and I bought shares of Sirius. Last year I was given an iPod and I have to confess that these days I spend more time with it than my Sirius receiver. I have completely changed the way I consume content thanks in part to Tivo and the iPod and so have a lot of people. If Sirius wants to stick around they need to become more than a broadcasting company who delivers their content on satellite rather than on a Earthbound transmitter. Here is what they can do.

1. Offer Podcasts of their popular shows: This isn’t great for music but perfect for talk shows. Like him nor not, Stern is the reason a lot of people have Sirius. If you could download the show each day to your iPod and take it to work or wherever you go, a lot of people would do that. A lot of people would probably pay a few dollars more each month to be able to listen to the show when and where they want. A lot of people who do not subscribe because they don’t want to buy a receiver may also sign up to get casts of their favorite shows.

2. Open a Music Store: There is a lot of great music on Sirius. A lot of times when I listen I make a note to myself to go download a song I heard. How convenient would it be if I could press a button and be able to buy the song? Very cool. If all receivers were WiFi enabled, this could be done. If people are listening online this could be very easily done.

I'm Happy and That Makes Me Mad

2008-11-13T17:45:00.002-06:00

Something very strange has been happening at ImRubberYourGlue since the election. There has been a noticeable change in tone – a lot less vitriol. I don’t know, maybe even a twinge of happiness? This site was created to make fun of celebrities, the media, and regular people who take themselves too seriously. That hasn’t been happening. At least not with the same sort of aggression as in the past. Yes, electing Barack Obama as President has made me optimistic, excited, even hopeful. The audacity! (that would make a great book title)

I have worked in comedy professionally, on and off, for many years. I can tell you that the funniest stuff comes from anger and pain. Anything that pisses you off can easily be turned in to comedy gold. Life would be so much easier, comedy wise, with a McCain/Palin administration. All I would have to do is scan the headlines each day, fume, and the piece would write itself. Now I’m struggling. I have to read deep into stories, read crap like People Magazine, and pay attention. It’s like work. So what was I thinking voting for an intelligent, thoughtful, competent person for president?

Hey Beav, Check Out My Project for Art Class

2008-11-12T17:11:00.002-06:00

Tony Dow, the actor who played Wally on the iconic 50’s show Leave it To Beaver is having an abstract sculpture he created displayed at the Louvre in Paris. The “sculpture” is titled Unarmed Warrior and depicts a woman holding a bronze shield. At least that’s what the press release says. Judge for yourself. I have almost no artistic ability myself and even less ability to judge the skill of others, but I kinda wonder if this is not just some French thing. You know, like Jerry Lewis being worshiped as a genius.
Regardless, the story got me curious so I checked out what the rest of the cast from Leave it to Beaver is up to these days. Turns out that Tony Dow is not the only one working in the arts.

Lumpy Rutherford (Frank Bank) – Is now working on Fremont Street in Las Vegas as Harvey the Juggler. He came into being a juggler quite by accident. Prior, he was handing out flyers for strip clubs when one day some kids threw balls from the bounce house at Circus Circus at him. Rather than dropping his flyers, he held on and deftly juggled them and the balls. Thus a new career was born. No, this is not an old photo. He dresses like that every day.

Eddie Haskell (Ken Osmond) – Briefly toured as a musical act in the 1970’s and tried to cash in on his last name, booking himself as “The Osmond.” Today, he is a roadie for “Starship” and is occasionally recognized at the county fairs the band plays.

The Beaver (Jerry Mathers) – Little known fact, he was the real life inspiration for the Chris Farley Chippendale’s sketch on SNL. While he always aspired to be a dancer, his struggles with weight held him back. He occasionally performs today as a belly dancer at House of Falafel in Omaha

Help Finding Ass

2008-11-10T17:07:00.003-06:00

Jim Baggepantes of Nashville, TN who previously could not find his own ass with Both hands and a Map, was reunited Saturday night with his Saggy friend.

When asked how the discovery came about, Jim replied "Geo cache".

Apparently, while passed out at a party one night, a Wiley Geo cacher placed a small plastic treasure chest filled with Tinker Toys in Jim's seat.

Jim woke up thinking. 'Wow my ass hurts'.

Which isn't rare since Jim does enjoy non-consensual sodomy on occasion.

Then some weeks later a couple from St.Louis, MO came up to him in a bar and offered to buy him a drink if they could examine his rectum.

To which he replied, 'I don't have any idea where it is'.

Well ,what transpired next was a series of drinks followed by a memorable reunion.

Apparently Geo caching has a purpose after all.

I think, next up a certain individual in the Mountains of Pakistan.

Lincoln Bedroom Gets Makeover

2008-11-09T10:36:00.002-06:00

Breaking News: "Rent-A-Center tapped to handle White House Redecorate"

I Heart the First Lady Elect

2008-11-05T21:18:00.007-06:00

Now that I'm no longer sick with anxiety over who will be our next president, Senator Barack Obama or Zombie Overlord McCain, I can finally get back to contributing to imrubberyourglue and feel good about putting other people down.

Sort of.

I wish I could use this blog to disparage someone or some stupid bullshit they had the misfortune to put on the Internet, but there is a more pressing issue on my mind. And that issue is....

I LOVE MICHELLE OBAMA.

I'm not usually one to care so much about the First Spouse, what with all their non-politicking and naming drug rehab clinics after themselves. I'm far more interested in the President and what they're up to, because that sort of thing directly correlates to what country I say I'm from when I travel overseas.

Michelle Obama is different.

I think Michelle Obama is quite possibly the coolest First Lady we have ever had. She may be the coolest First Lady we will ever have, unless, that is, Hillary takes office someday. Like her husband, Michelle knows how to stride onstage, command an audience, and be totally fucking awesome without looking like she's trying at all.

She also looks like she could kick some ass, but not in that obnoxious, aggressive barfly way. Michelle wouldn't bother with dumping a warm beer down your back and reaching for a clump of your hair. She's too good for that. Michelle is like a super steathy sly lady ninja.

See? You think she's reaching for the sign but she's really removing your brain. And you can't even feel it.

I'm not naive enough to think that no floozy is going to come forward and claim she schtupped the 44th President of the United States, but I really like watching Barack and Michelle Obama interact. She's not overbearing. She's not timid. She stands at eye level with him and seems to be telepathically saying to him, "You will rock my world tonight and make me breakfast in the morning!" All while respecting the hell out of him, of course, just like you know he does with her.

They seem like a way better couple than George and Laura Bush. I have nothing against Laura, not really, because I understand she's very into literacy causes. But I always got the feeling that Laura was like that slightly homely-looking, cockeyed brainy girl who got asked out by the popular frat boy and was too afraid to look back at her marginal past. I don't know what kind of Botox she's getting, but I can't imagine the kind of muscle control it must require to refrain from rolling your eyes at George Bush during a state dinner.

So thank you, Michelle Obama. Thank you for not being just another mute in pumps. Thank you for standing up with your husband instead of just alongside him, and thank you for being involved in what I'm hoping -- see, I finally have hope! -- will be an amazing presidency.

Some Advice for President Elect Obama

2008-11-05T17:29:00.003-06:00

So now that Barack Obama will be president, I am optimistic that our country will get back on the right path. I am also hopeful that ImRubberYourGlue will be able to move past politics and get back to what do best – making fun of people and using the word “douche bag.” Before we do I want to offer up a little advice to our future president.

There are a lot of problems this country is facing – failing economy, climate change, wars, inflation, and an ever growing deficit. While I do not pretend to have the answers to all of those problems, I think I have a solution to reducing the budget deficit. I have a lot of experience in marketing and when you have a product or brand that has slow or shrinking growth you offer a premium or one of a kind experience. Take Disney, they had squeezed about every possible revenue channel out of their theme parks that they could. So what did they do? They offered and express pass which allowed people who paid extra could go right to the front of the line on any ride. That’s exactly what the government can do and provide us a little fun while doing it.

Sure, we could do practical things like cut mail service to three days a week (I only get mail anyway) and for people who want it more often, they can pay extra. We can go the Disney route and have people pay extra to not stand in line for things like renewing your driver’s license or even voting. But I have plan that I think provides people with a unique experience that only the government can provide and serve an essential public service. It’s sort of like a national lottery or auction. We execute a lot of prisoners in the United States, especially in Texas. Why not hold a lottery where people buy ticket to be the person to throw the switch on an execution? Tickets could be 10 bucks and if your umber is drawn, you get to kill a convicted death row inmate. Now that’s value! A once-in-a-lifetime experience that few others will ever have the chance to experience for only a Hamilton? The treasury coffers will runneth over.

Happy Reformation Day

2008-10-31T12:03:00.002-05:00

Not only is today Halloween, it is also Reformation Day, the day when Martin Luther tacked his 95 Theses on the door of a church marking the start of the Protestant Reformation. While this day is recognized by all protestant churches, it is huge is Lutheran circles. It’s like Lutheran Super Bowl except with lutefisk instead of chicken wings.

Since I am nowhere near the thinker that good ol’ Martin was, I could never come up with 95 cogent arguments about anything. I’m simply an angry, bitter person. So in honor of Reformation Day, here is my list of 95 things that piss me off.

1. Co-workers who feel the need to say help each and every time you pass in the hall.
2. People who let their kids answer the phone.
3. Cats.
4. Being invited to a wedding, anniversary, shower, or baptism.
5. All the questions you have to answer a the gas pump before you can get gas – pay inside, pay outside, credit, debit, car wash, receipt, etc.
6. Telemarketers.
7. Blister packaging.
8. Putting the liner in the trash can.
9. People who bump into each other at the grocery store and take up the aisle so they can “catch-up.”
10. Fox News
11. When the smoke alarm needs the battery changed at 3:00 a.m.
12. Vegetarians.
13. Those helicopters that fall out of the trees.
14. Servers who ask if I need change when I pay the bill.
15. Crocs.
16. Magazine subscription cards.
17. Nancy Grace.
18. People who say “and things of that nature.”
19. Smug people who refuse to shop at Wal-Mart.
20. Cover charges.
21. Bisexuals (stop being greedy and make a decision).
22. Grown men under 5’4”.
23. People who are 1 item over at the express lane. Either go way over or get in the other line.
24. When the dog carries her food from the bowl to another room.
25. Spring forward (love Fall back).
26. Dane Cook.
27. People who have a party with no alcohol.
28. People who decide to “pop in” on you.
29. Stripper glitter.
30. Referring to yourself in the third person.
31. Celebrity couple names – Brangelina.
32. People who cannot calculate what time it is in different time zones.
33. Handicapped parking spaces.
34. When every TV channel has a commercial at the same time.
35. John Mayer.
36. Couples who dress alike on purpose.
37. Kids with traditional names with non-traditional spellings.
38. The word “yummy.”
39. Mormons.
40. Flip flops or any type of shoe that makes excessive noise when walking.
41. Getting a haircut.
42. Tea with fruit flavors.
43. Chain restaurants.
44. Peanut butter.
45. Oprah.
46. Neighbors that mow their lawn every three days or early in the morning on weekends.
47. Never being able to find the nail clippers when you need them.
48. When radio stations have “Rocktober.”
49. Ben Affleck
50. Metallica’s St. Anger album.
51. People that say “you can do mine next” when washing your car, cutting the lawn, etc.
52. Happy people.
53. Hangovers.
54. Starbucks.
55. White people who use chop sticks at Asian restaurants.
56. When people want to show me pictures of their kids, grandkids, or pets.
57. Being late to anything.
58. People on social networking sites that use group photos as their profile pic.
59. Voice mail.
60. When people say “don’t so anything I wouldn’t do.”
61. Getting a Christmas card with a letter telling you the boring crap the sender and their boring family did during the year.
62. Chronic sigh-ers.
63. TV Meteorologists.
64. When people will not take the last of any food item.
65. Realizing there is no toilet paper mid-poop.
66. Sensitive people.
67. Knots that inexplicably form in cords of electronics.
68. Poison ivy.
69. Anyone who has given up something and thinks you should too – i.e. smoking.
70. Lawn ornaments.
71. Michael Stipe.
72. When people want you to “guess” something. Just tell me.
73. Non-alcoholic beer.
74. Heidi Klum.
75. People who do not know what hand beats what in poker.
76. Destination weddings.
77. Small talk.
78. When movies or song lyrics are misquoted.
79. Use of LOL.
80. People who allow their children to scream in public settings.
81. Bluetooth headsets.
82. People that talk to you while looking at their Blackberry.
83. The French.
84. Costumes on pets.
85. Trying to a group of coworkers to agree on ordering lunch.
86. Bicycle shorts.
87. People who rubberneck at accidents.
88. Having to clean the lint trap in the dryer.
89. Fake sincerity.
90. Cheese food.
91. People who take karaoke seriously.
92. Any Kardashian.
93. Any situation that requires me to wear a tie.
94. Gone with the Wind.
95. Self serving lists.

CNN = Covering Non News

2008-10-31T09:12:00.002-05:00

Much like MTV used to play music videos, CNN used to cover the news. I was channel surfing and stopped on CNN because there was a story about my next wife, Tina Fey. In an interview she joking said that if the McCain/Palin ticket was elected that she would “leave the planet.” The three talking heads on the show were having an actual debate on whether or not she was serious. This conversation went on for at least five minutes.

Aside from being a physical impossibility, Tina Fey is a comedian. That means she makes jokes and uses sarcasm in a humorous way. She also works with Alec Baldwin, who during the 2004 campaign, was quoted as saying he would move to Canada if Bush were to be re-elected. I know you 24 hours of time to kill each day and Nancy Grace can only be on so much before she has to be returned to her coffin filled with dirt from the ring of Hell from which she came, but is this news? Does it even need to be on a national “news” channel?

Not The "A" Team

2008-10-28T16:54:00.002-05:00

The media keeps hyping the story of two white supremacists who had a plot to kill 88 black people and Barack Obama. While that thought is terrible, let's face it media, this is not a credible threat no matter how many times you repeat the story. What seems to never get reported is how these criminal masterminds were caught. The two draw swastikas and other White Power symbols on their car in, of all things, sidewalk chalk, then shot out the window of a church. They were pulled over while making thier getaway and spilled the beans on their own plot. I've lived over 40 years and have never touched sidewalk chalk, but that is beside the point. I guess you use what you have on hand when needing to draw a swatika on your El Camino.

The best part is that they planned to go on their spree while dressed in white tuxedos and top hats. I'm just going to assume they do not own tuxes and would have to rent. Oh and why kill 88 people you ask? You see, H is this 8th letter in the alphabet and 88=Heil Hitler in neonazispeak. At least they go that right. True criminal masterminds do not divulge their plot when stopped on an unrelated misedemeanor. So media, lets move on please? Oh, and let's also get of the crazy woman who carved a B in her own face and blamed a black Obama supporter. She's just bat-shit crazy and not a McCain campaign plant like Joe.

I'm John McCain and I Want Your Vote

2008-10-16T12:30:00.002-05:00

Do I need to say anything?

Get Ready ‘Cuz Here It Comes

2008-10-15T12:07:00.002-05:00

John McCain has thrown down the gauntlet and said that he will bring up the connection between Barack Obama and William Ayers. McCain claims Ayers is a domestic terrorist. That is true. As a young man and member of the Weather Underground, he set bombs off in public places to make political statements. What is in question is the connection he has, if any, to Obama.

Today Ayers is a professor at the University of Illinois in Chicago. In 1999 he was named Chicago’s Citizen of the Year for his 1995 work on the Chicago Annenberg Project after they received a grant of nearly $50 million for reforming public schools. Obama served on a committee that oversaw how the grant money would be spent. Also in 1995, Ayers hosted a coffee for Obama when he first ran for public office. The two also served on the board of an anti-povery group from 2000 – 2002. The board met 12 times in that time period. When Ayers committed his crimes Barack Obama was 8 years old. These are all facts.

Here are some questions to ponder:

Think of all of the casual acquaintances you have. In particular think of all of those with professional jobs such as a teacher or professor. Unless they told you, would you ever suspect any of them had committed a crime?

How long are we accountable for our past actions? Ayers’ actions that are being scrutinized happened in 1968 and 1969. George W. Bush pleaded guilty to drunk driving in 1976. Is that still fair game? John McCain was part of the Keating 5 scandal in 1989. Is that relevant to his running the country?

In The Closet

2008-10-14T18:14:00.006-05:00

This photo really scares me. While this election should be a slam dunk for Barack Obama, there are enough closeted racists out there that I can actually envision a scenario where John McCain is elected, dies in office and we are being governed by a woman who I would not even hire to do part-time temp work. I have friend who will not vote for Obama because "He's a Muslim." Another who says that he thinks he will raise taxes. There are 2 people who to my knowledge have never voted for a Republican. Since they like to say they're open-minded and evolved, they will not vote for the candidate who aligns most closely with their values. Draw your own conclusion. At least the guy on his bike is honest about why he won't be voting Democrat this year.

Exactly.

2008-10-12T18:06:00.001-05:00

When I wasn't peeing in my pants a little over the super awesome DListed, I was hitting StumbleUpon and found this. ....Yep.

Obviously ImRubberYourGlue Readers

2008-10-01T16:42:00.002-05:00

Crowd cheers suicidal jumper to his death

Good News Hippies!

2008-10-01T11:53:00.002-05:00

We may not need this bail out. Turns out the king of jam bands Phish is reuniting after a four year hiatus. This announcement is expected to instantly boost the hyrdoponic and hemp industries. And next week look for ImRubberYourGlue tie die t-shirts on sale. Of course they will be made from 100% organically grown hemp and colored with natural pigments. They are made in a fair-trade shirt factory in Gautamala and are just $49.99. A small price to pay to help the planet, right hippies?

Candidate #3

2008-09-30T17:08:00.008-05:00

I realize that this for purely personal reasons, but I'd like to nominate James Howard Kuntsler (and I could not possibly make that last name up) for the next IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week.

James Howard Kuntsler is the owner/author of the Web site Eyesore of the Month. In addition to being remarkably active on his homepage and in the world of -- ahem -- literature, Mr. Kuntsler possesses an ethnic cleansing-like sense of what appears to right and wrong in his world (suburban New York). And by "appears to be," I mean just that. If he doesn't like the way it looks, it surely came from the devil.

For example, August's Eyesore of the Month, a tattoo shops in Saratoga Springs. As a person who has spent more than a few hours working, waiting, and, well, getting tattooed in tattoo shops, I feel confident in calling True Tattoo Studio quaint. I would even go so far as to call it cute. It's clean. It's in the suburbs. There are no bars in the windows. Judging by its appearance, it seems to be an absolutely respectable business in what Mr. Kuntsler admits is a sufficient business district.

Gentrify all you want, it's none of my business. I don't even live there. I'm also perfectly happy with my own tattoo shop, a historical gem located at a gritty intersection in the middle of the second most dangerous city in the U.S. What pisses me off is that Mr. Kuntsler's problem isn't that a likely profitable business exists on his own personal Main Street, but that the kind of people who go there just shouldn't be around...

The activity taking place here, however, is a symptom of the growing barbarism in American life. Tattooing has traditionally been a marginal activity among civilized people, the calling card of cannibals, sailors, and whores. The appropriate place for it is on the margins, in the back alleys, the skid rows. The mainstreaming of tattoos (on main street) is a harbinger of social dysfunction.

...Because, you know, keeping tattoo shops in seedy back alleys will do wonders for ensuring that the tattoo industry is safe and regulated. And because an art form that predates Christianity is clearly too declasse to survive in today's society. And because since I'm not a cannibal, sailor, or whore (although I suppose that would depend on which ex-boyfriend you ask), I must be a barbarian.

And most importantly, because any whiny suburban dick knows that tattoos and tattooing begin and end with shitty prison-style teardrops on the faces of people who are most definitely not from their neighborhood. Nothing like this, of course:

So, Mr. Kuntsler, this tattooed barbarian nominates you for the Internet Douchebag of the Week.

Candidate #2

2008-09-27T10:21:00.002-05:00

We go international for this one.

Candidate for IDB of the Week

2008-09-27T10:16:00.001-05:00

Many locale TV reporters could easily win this award. This one is short and sweet.

Coming Soon - ImRubberYourGlue TV?

2008-09-24T19:58:00.014-05:00

A logical brand extension for ImRubberYourGlue would be ImRubberYourGlue TV. I realize that we haven’t even put our first podcast in the can, but you might as well dream big. We already have a bunch of show ideas. Since we have no money for R & D, consider yourselves our test market and let us pitch some ideas to you. Here we go:

How Much Do You Love Me?

A reality show that tests how far a family member is willing to go for you. For example, you give your grandma a package to hold on to for you. Then the “police” show up and tell he they suspect you of dealing drugs. Will granny rat you out or will she show just how much she loves you.

The Crackhouse

Another reality show that takes place entirely in a crackhouse. That’s it. We just place hidden cameras every where and let crackheads be crackheads. It will be more entertaining than The Hills and the characters will not be as devoid of souls. Just for fun we stage fake raids or turn loose pitbulls.

Of course we are going to need some sponsors to make this financially feasible. Since the IRYG team pretty much just hangs out in bars we will start there. The commercials will need to fit the programming. Tell me if these would ads would make you want to visit our sponsors

#1 – A scene with two gay guys just full on making out. The camera stays on them for an uncomfortably long time and then fades to black. An announcer comes on and says “When you’re done being gay, check out The Stable.”

#2 That song from Sesame Street is playing “One of these things is not like the other….” And you are shown a series of pictures:

Finally all photos come together and shows you this:

Graphics on the screen – Find Out Why He is Different at The Rotten Apple

There are plenty more ideas for shows. This is just to whet your appetite. Leave your comments and let us know which show you would most like to see.

And In Other News, R Kelly Announces He Is Black

2008-09-24T07:14:00.003-05:00

Not Even As Much Respect as Linsey's Side Boob

2008-09-23T17:54:00.001-05:00

Insert Douchenozzle Here

2008-09-23T17:22:00.003-05:00

According to PerezHilton.com, Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment because of dog shit. No, I'm not talking about his act, I'm talking about actual shit deposited by his dog that he refuses to clean up. I assumed his paychecks from Pretending Jessica Simpson Is An Actress (oh sorry, I meant Employee of the Month) and the Frat Guys Love Hearing Me Make Screeching Noises Tour (oh sorry, I meant whatever the fuck his tour was called) were fat enough for him to just buy a place in the Hollywood Hills, but Dane doesn't want to move and is fighting the eviction.

Why?

Inspiration.

Apparently, Steve Martin and John Belushi once lived in the apartment complex currently housing Dane Cook, and forcing him to move out would cause "mental and emotional damage" that will rob him of the creative inspiration he draws from their "presence" and therefore ruin his career. He is "extremely frightened" that he "can really easily run out of ideas and stories" if he is forced to leave, because he has "seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

(All quotes according to court documents filed by Dane's lawyers.)

I'm hearing two sounds inside my head at the moment -- one is Belushi having seizures in his grave and the other is Steve Martin vomiting.

Dane Cook doesn't seem like the most humble guy on earth, but I find it simultaneously hilarious and sickening that he would consider John Belushi and Steve Martin to be his creative muses. Consider yourself a fan if you must, Dane, but don't for a second claim that their bygone presence in your apartment complex actually inspires your act. That's blasphemous to good comedy and insults two truly great comics by implying that all they did was write punchlines including some act of violence "in your face." I'm sure that's funny if you've had one too many keg stand-induced bloodrushes to the head, but outside of the frathouse, it's less amusing.

By the way, Dane, I hope Belushi's ghost comes to your front porch and lights a paper bag o' dog shit on fire. Bad neighborship is a bitch, huh?

Internet Douche Bag of the Week

2008-09-23T16:18:00.004-05:00

Sort of a first for ImRubberYourGlue – a weekly column. Fact is that everyone who contributes to this site is a slacker so it may prove way too difficult to keep up a weekly column. In fact, this may very well be the one and only column of Internet Douche Bag of the Week. Let’s meet our debut DB.

Stever Robbins, aka The Get-It-Done Guy, is a blogger/podcaster who focuses on how to “work less and do more.” While it would be easy to start out with his name, that’s not the only reason he gets to be the IDB of the week. I read a lot of blogs and listen to many different podcasts, one of which is Stever. Ideas on how to get more done certainly appeal to me. So I have been listening to his weekly podcast and started following him on Twitter. I learned he is taking all of his tips and putting them into a book to help you accomplish more. Today, this was his tweet:

“Twitter & blog on hold till book done. New job (full-time; career change) has swamped me. Haven't yet figured out how to finish book.”

So the Get-It-Done Guy is too busy to complete his book about how to accomplish more in your life? You discovered that when you did not have a full-time job that you could do a lot of different stuff, but now that you are back in the corporate world it IS hard to do many different things. Congrats Stever Robbins. You just killed your brand, but you can still tell everyone you were the first Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Hmmm. You Decide

2008-09-22T14:50:00.002-05:00