Lactating Mormon

In an effort to prove he "gets it," John McCain picked a former beauty queen, practicing Mormon from Alaska, who cannot pronounce nuclear, to be his running mate. She just spit out another kid so we will have a lactating VP should they win. Was the Eskimo vote in play?

That's Him In the Corner

Since when did Fred Durst become a Michael Stipe impersonator????

I've Been Rick Rolled - Just A Little

I Hope They Get The Joke

This billboard is outside the Minneapolos airport just in time for the Republican National Convention.

Speidi Revealed

I've never believed that ignorance is bliss. Although knowledge can be inconvenient and sometimes painful, it's far more upsetting to me to keep hearing about something I know nothing about. This is why I recently Googled Spencer and Heidi.

I know. For shaaaaaame.

I couldn't watch Chelsea Lately or The Soup without hearing something about these people, and it pissed me off when I didn't get the jokes. I started researching Spencer, Heidi, and their amalgamated name, Speidi. I may feel roughly 9% dumber than I was before, but at least now I can laugh at late night TV.

For anyone who hasn't yet begun to expand their godawful pop culture consciousness, here's the Cliff Notes version:

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are two rich kids who were (are, I guess) on this show called The Hills. The show itself is a source of controversy, because even though it's supposed to be a "reality show," it's far too slickly produced and its "stars"are far too famous to be anything other than heavily scripted. Anyway, the gist of The Hills is that pretty people have problems, too, and that those problems are way more important when you have lots of money. I've never seen it, but it's apparently really popular and people actually care what happens in the "real lives" of The Hills' actors/inhabitants.

Okay, so Spencer and Heidi are a couple who are so repugnant that not only does everyone else on The Hills hate them, but pretty much everyone who watches The Hills does, too. Think of them as The Douche and The Douchette. Spencer is a wannabe producer and business mogul who manages his and Heidi's careers. Heidi is a plastic surgery addict and gossipy bitch who designs slutty clothes for girls. They both hire paparazzi to take fake candid photos of them doing things like hanging out at the beach with several wardrobe changes.

This information can't be found on any of my online research sources, but I'm tempted to add it to their Wikipedia pages just to see what happens. It's my opinion that while Spencer and Heidi may be disliked by most people for being jerks, they also have secret venom sacs behind their incisors and enjoy Nazi-themed pornography. They sit in front of their mirror and practice speaking in soundbites. They plot moments of calculated spontaneity involving semi-nudity and glassy demon doll eyes.

America, meet your celebrities.

Just A Theory

Jerk sauce and weed make you fast.

Not The Norm

Normally we tear things apart hear. For a change, I thought I would brag a little on one of the contributors to this site - Jesse "Idea" Jones. He has one of the coolest restaurants in The Lou. Actually it's a brewery, distillery, and pizzeria. Add a pole and it has everything I need. They were featured on a local public affairs show. Check it out





The Stable is my second favorite place to be. My first? Your mom's pants.

OK, I have to say something negative. Jones looks gay. There, that's a little more normal for imrubberyourglue.

Yes, I Am An Asshole

I know I shouldn't think Tard Blog is funny, but so help me god I'm laughing so hard I'm worried about peeing on myself (I do have a history of this, so perhaps I could play the "I can joke about it because I am it" card. Hmmmmm).

Anyway, so I'm an asshole. I know it. I'm aware that it's not politically (or ethically, or any other -ally, in fact) correct to make fun of the mentally challenged. But I can't help it. I can't even watch Life Goes On reruns without mocking Amanda's lisp for days afterwards. "Chowssssh. What if our baby turns out normal, Chowssssh?" And forget about Chris Burke's recording career. How can anyone not crack any sort of smile -- even a cruel one later regretted -- upon hearing a song titled "Eating is Fun, Eating is Serious"? How???

It's a good thing I'm never having kids. I can just imagine karma biting me in the ass and giving birth to a socipathic retard who gets knocked up in junior high and then burns my house down.

Serves me right. Damn ree tees.

Hold On a Second!

I spoke to soon (see previous post)

Bush Criticizes Congress’s Vacation After He Takes Time Off

We're gonna need a lot more gas in Air Force One.

Condescending Rice

Check this out. Our Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice actually said today that Russia has really damaged its reputation in the eyes of the World Community by invading a foreign country. When she flies in Air Force 1 they must have to put extra fuel in the tanks to be able to get her and her balls off the ground. How’s that for the pot calling the kettle black? (no racist pun intended). Here is a woman who was part of a conspiracy to lie to us about weapons of mass destruction and Iraqi links to Al-Qaeda so we could invade a foreign country. The only thing worse I could imagine someone saying is that they waited until their wife’s cancer was in remission before they started banging other chicks. Oh, wait…..

Celebrity News

That contains neither celebrities nor news. Enjoy.

Like A Rolling Stone....Used To Be

Jann Wenner announced today that Rolling Stone will no longer be published in its trademark size. From now on it will be in the same size as a traditional magazine so it can fit in regular magazine holders. That just sucks. While being a soulless marketer my self and further understanding that magazines are slowly going the way of the horse whip, I see why the change is being made. I know from experience that changing the size of a publication from a non-standard size to 8 ½ x 11 can save you a ton of jack. And is a store has to buy a special holder to put your magazine next to the register, it’s just easier to not do it.

Magazines are also a dieing breed. The only time I read them is on a plane or in the doctors office, otherwise I get all my info from the Web. Oh, there’s the toilet. I bet more people read magazines in the shitter than anywhere.

I was upset when Rolling Stone went from being printed to regular newspaper to glossy stock. Now that it is going to look like People I’m not sure I want to be seen carrying to the bathroom. Plus the cover photos of late have leaned a little toward the pop side of things. Zac Effron? Really Rolling Stone? I guess I am no longer in the RS target demo.

Howzit?

Hilary Duff is releasing a greatest hits album. For fuck's sake.

66 Sex Tricks Too Many

My wife has an issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine sitting in the bathroom and I glanced at the cover and noticed the blurb titled "67 New Sex Tricks." Who knows that many, much less needs that many? Even if you did know that many would you remember them when the time comes? You know the last dozen have to be really crappy like watch a dirty movie with him or flash him at McDonalds.

Woman, you really only need one tip to make your man happy. Feel free to write this one down. You smarter chicks can probably remember it on your own:

1. Touch it. Touch it often. Touch it often with various parts of your body.

That's what it all boils down too. Nuff said.

Sort of Like Acting

This is how bad a candidate John McCain is – he actually has me liking Paris Hilton now. Just in case you do live under a rock (or have been doing a little time) McCain came out with a commercial saying that Barack Obama is a great celebrity, but not a leader. While this voice over is going on there are images of Britney and Paris on the screen, the implication being Obama is just fluff. Of course Obama did not like the comparison but surprisingly, Paris would take the mocking lying down (presumably with her knees pinned behind her ears) hit back with a video of her own mocking “the old white-haired dude.” It’s actually a funny video and you can check it out here.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

McCains ad, and Hilton’s too, just reminds us that he is an out of touch old man. Look, when my dad was his age we wouldn’t let him work the TV remote much less run anything. The truly sad thing is that her energy policy sounds good! I realize that she did not write that. She was just reading those funny squiggly lines on the cue card. The acting was actually good. I mean she actually convincing and made me laugh. You can only imagine how long it took to film that clip. The over under is 100 takes so place your bet.

Paris’ parents are also listed as donors to McCain’s campaign. If my daughter were made fun of in a campaign I gave money to I would ask for money back even if my daughter is a dirty celebuwhore.

Nip/Tuck/Queef

As if women didn't have enough body parts to worry about, now we've got to freak out over how our vaginas look? I'm not talking about landscaping down under. That's old news. When the hair removal industry makes teeny tiny razors intended to miss your clitoris while still making you all smooth and -- possibly, depending on what you're into -- decorative, it's become standard.

Elective vaginal cosmetic surgery, heretofore known as labiaplasty, has actually been going on in foreign countries for quite some time. Trimming, tightening, or straight up removing some parts to make a woman seem more virginal is a big draw in some places. However, it's only been around in the U.S. for a few years, and it's only become big business very recently.

Maybe because we don't care about virgins so much. Unless you're tending a septic tank outside of your trailer in Nebraska, you're not likely to blink an eye when someone who's been on The Pill for 10 years before ever receiving a marriage proposal walks down the aisle wearing a thong under a spanking white dress. At the risk of sounding conservative (and I most certainly am not), morality isn't a big concern for most Americans. Looks, on the other hand, are.

Says Crystal, a labiaplasty recipient in L.A., "I looked in, like, those magazines, and saw that their inner labia shouldn't stick out like mine did."

It's pretty sad when a woman goes looking for beauty tips in Hustler.

Picking up a Cosmo and suddenly worrying about back fat, crooked big toes, and wrinkly elbows is one thing. It's neurotic and useless, but it's still one thing. Poring over porno magazines and wishing your pussy was as "nice and neat and new," to quote Crystal again, as the centerfold o' the month's is another thing entirely.

For starters, the only vaginas you see on a regular basis are those that are used to being exposed, and those that are used to being exposed are heavily used. I haven't spent enough time measuring my labia to know if my vagina looks like Briana Banks' and I don't care. I'd rather just deal with whatever's down there already than wish for some tattered RBCs I have get nipped and tucked every couple of years.

Second, unless you're truly disfigured or diseased (and I assume you'd know this before buying stock in Larry Flynt's empire), do you think anyone cares what your vagina looks like? Some guy's going to get thisclose to fucking you, look at your labia, and back off? "No thanks, miss, those are about a half centimeter too long for my liking."

Please.

Third and final, stop caring about your body so damn much. I have body issues just like everyone else, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to put myself through because of a few minor insecurities. I will never have a 6-pack. I know it's technically possible, sure, but I'm not willing to forgo beer, cheeseburgers, and leisure time to get one. My nose is crooked, my inner thighs touch, and my skin tone can best be described as "translucent."

Big. Fucking. Deal.

My vagina may or may not be attractive, but it's nothing I'll lose sleep or money over.