Candidate #3

I realize that this for purely personal reasons, but I'd like to nominate James Howard Kuntsler (and I could not possibly make that last name up) for the next IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week.

James Howard Kuntsler is the owner/author of the Web site Eyesore of the Month. In addition to being remarkably active on his homepage and in the world of -- ahem -- literature, Mr. Kuntsler possesses an ethnic cleansing-like sense of what appears to right and wrong in his world (suburban New York). And by "appears to be," I mean just that. If he doesn't like the way it looks, it surely came from the devil.

For example, August's Eyesore of the Month, a tattoo shops in Saratoga Springs. As a person who has spent more than a few hours working, waiting, and, well, getting tattooed in tattoo shops, I feel confident in calling True Tattoo Studio quaint. I would even go so far as to call it cute. It's clean. It's in the suburbs. There are no bars in the windows. Judging by its appearance, it seems to be an absolutely respectable business in what Mr. Kuntsler admits is a sufficient business district.

Gentrify all you want, it's none of my business. I don't even live there. I'm also perfectly happy with my own tattoo shop, a historical gem located at a gritty intersection in the middle of the second most dangerous city in the U.S. What pisses me off is that Mr. Kuntsler's problem isn't that a likely profitable business exists on his own personal Main Street, but that the kind of people who go there just shouldn't be around...

The activity taking place here, however, is a symptom of the growing barbarism in American life. Tattooing has traditionally been a marginal activity among civilized people, the calling card of cannibals, sailors, and whores. The appropriate place for it is on the margins, in the back alleys, the skid rows. The mainstreaming of tattoos (on main street) is a harbinger of social dysfunction.

...Because, you know, keeping tattoo shops in seedy back alleys will do wonders for ensuring that the tattoo industry is safe and regulated. And because an art form that predates Christianity is clearly too declasse to survive in today's society. And because since I'm not a cannibal, sailor, or whore (although I suppose that would depend on which ex-boyfriend you ask), I must be a barbarian.

And most importantly, because any whiny suburban dick knows that tattoos and tattooing begin and end with shitty prison-style teardrops on the faces of people who are most definitely not from their neighborhood. Nothing like this, of course:

So, Mr. Kuntsler, this tattooed barbarian nominates you for the Internet Douchebag of the Week.

Candidate #2

We go international for this one.

Candidate for IDB of the Week

Many locale TV reporters could easily win this award. This one is short and sweet.

Coming Soon - ImRubberYourGlue TV?

A logical brand extension for ImRubberYourGlue would be ImRubberYourGlue TV. I realize that we haven’t even put our first podcast in the can, but you might as well dream big. We already have a bunch of show ideas. Since we have no money for R & D, consider yourselves our test market and let us pitch some ideas to you. Here we go:

How Much Do You Love Me?

A reality show that tests how far a family member is willing to go for you. For example, you give your grandma a package to hold on to for you. Then the “police” show up and tell he they suspect you of dealing drugs. Will granny rat you out or will she show just how much she loves you.






The Crackhouse

Another reality show that takes place entirely in a crackhouse. That’s it. We just place hidden cameras every where and let crackheads be crackheads. It will be more entertaining than The Hills and the characters will not be as devoid of souls. Just for fun we stage fake raids or turn loose pitbulls.






Of course we are going to need some sponsors to make this financially feasible. Since the IRYG team pretty much just hangs out in bars we will start there. The commercials will need to fit the programming. Tell me if these would ads would make you want to visit our sponsors

#1 – A scene with two gay guys just full on making out. The camera stays on them for an uncomfortably long time and then fades to black. An announcer comes on and says “When you’re done being gay, check out The Stable.”

#2 That song from Sesame Street is playing “One of these things is not like the other….” And you are shown a series of pictures:

Finally all photos come together and shows you this:


Graphics on the screen – Find Out Why He is Different at The Rotten Apple

There are plenty more ideas for shows. This is just to whet your appetite. Leave your comments and let us know which show you would most like to see.

And In Other News, R Kelly Announces He Is Black

Not Even As Much Respect as Linsey's Side Boob

*Insert Douchenozzle Here*

According to PerezHilton.com, Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment because of dog shit. No, I'm not talking about his act, I'm talking about actual shit deposited by his dog that he refuses to clean up. I assumed his paychecks from Pretending Jessica Simpson Is An Actress (oh sorry, I meant Employee of the Month) and the Frat Guys Love Hearing Me Make Screeching Noises Tour (oh sorry, I meant whatever the fuck his tour was called) were fat enough for him to just buy a place in the Hollywood Hills, but Dane doesn't want to move and is fighting the eviction.

Why?

Inspiration.

Apparently, Steve Martin and John Belushi once lived in the apartment complex currently housing Dane Cook, and forcing him to move out would cause "mental and emotional damage" that will rob him of the creative inspiration he draws from their "presence" and therefore ruin his career. He is "extremely frightened" that he "can really easily run out of ideas and stories" if he is forced to leave, because he has "seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

(All quotes according to court documents filed by Dane's lawyers.)

I'm hearing two sounds inside my head at the moment -- one is Belushi having seizures in his grave and the other is Steve Martin vomiting.

Dane Cook doesn't seem like the most humble guy on earth, but I find it simultaneously hilarious and sickening that he would consider John Belushi and Steve Martin to be his creative muses. Consider yourself a fan if you must, Dane, but don't for a second claim that their bygone presence in your apartment complex actually inspires your act. That's blasphemous to good comedy and insults two truly great comics by implying that all they did was write punchlines including some act of violence "in your face." I'm sure that's funny if you've had one too many keg stand-induced bloodrushes to the head, but outside of the frathouse, it's less amusing.

By the way, Dane, I hope Belushi's ghost comes to your front porch and lights a paper bag o' dog shit on fire. Bad neighborship is a bitch, huh?

Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Sort of a first for ImRubberYourGlue – a weekly column. Fact is that everyone who contributes to this site is a slacker so it may prove way too difficult to keep up a weekly column. In fact, this may very well be the one and only column of Internet Douche Bag of the Week. Let’s meet our debut DB.

Stever Robbins, aka The Get-It-Done Guy, is a blogger/podcaster who focuses on how to “work less and do more.” While it would be easy to start out with his name, that’s not the only reason he gets to be the IDB of the week. I read a lot of blogs and listen to many different podcasts, one of which is Stever. Ideas on how to get more done certainly appeal to me. So I have been listening to his weekly podcast and started following him on Twitter. I learned he is taking all of his tips and putting them into a book to help you accomplish more. Today, this was his tweet:

“Twitter & blog on hold till book done. New job (full-time; career change) has swamped me. Haven't yet figured out how to finish book.”

So the Get-It-Done Guy is too busy to complete his book about how to accomplish more in your life? You discovered that when you did not have a full-time job that you could do a lot of different stuff, but now that you are back in the corporate world it IS hard to do many different things. Congrats Stever Robbins. You just killed your brand, but you can still tell everyone you were the first Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Hmmm. You Decide

I Don't Have to Ask, I Already Know

Another biblically-mandated Lord's day, another religious compound raided. This time around, a compound in Arkansas was raided as part of a kiddie porn investigation. Also this time around, instead of your average run-of-the-mill fundamentalist wacko, the ministry's founder claims that "consent is puberty." This might be shocking to some, but remember -- we're talking about Arkansas. I don't claim to be an expert in the ways of Arkansans, but "if it's old enough to bleed, it's old enough to breed" is a fairly well-known piece of relationship advice in the south.

I'm not surprised that certain people aim to retreat from a world they feel doesn't agree with them, and, depressingly, I'm also not surprised that some people are able to manipulate others by threatening God's wrath. What does surprise me, however, are people like Anthony Justin Lane, a 34-year-old former member of the Arkansas church who claims he was kicked out for asking too many questions.

Hmm, okay. I'll buy that. I was raised Catholic, remember, and I have firsthand knowledge of the way religious authorities react to questions they can't answer. Anthony Justin Lane - 1. Tony Alamo Christian Ministries - 0. Unfortunately for Anthony Justin Lane, his then-girlfriend and their children remained in the church, and aside from a few pictures over the years, he hasn't been allowed to see the kids. Sad. Unfair. Weird.

Not weird because Anthony Justin Lane was kicked out and denied regular access to his children by a cult leader now being investigated for kiddie porn, but weird because he didn't see it fit to ever challenge this mandate because, he says, "I keep laying it in the Lord's hands and hope He'll have mercy on my children and protect them."

Um, Anthony Justin Lane, I'm really sorry that you've been separated from your kids, and I know this must be a trying time for you, but are you fucking retarded? Is it not enough that you Christians ignore science and reason? Must you continue to make piss poor decisions about your children's welfare based on a belief that, let's be honest, hasn't gotten you very far by this point? It's not about the Lord, you idiot, it's about lawyers and custody and your kids not being molested in the name of religion.

Christ.

And I'm aware of how that sounds.

The True Candidate of Hope: John McCain

Yes, I have completely changed my mind on who is the true candidate who represents hope. It's not Barack Obama. Far from it. It is the McCain/Palin ticket. I am completely enamored with their optimistic view of life and how you can associate almost any seemingly meager accomplsihment with greatness. Fer instance:

-McCain served on the Commerce Committee and therefore invented the Blackberry.

-Sarah Palin lives close to Russia and is therefore an international relations expert.

That's awesome. It's like assylogism on steroids and it works for me. All I have to do is look around my little part of the world and start beefing up my resume.

-I live right behind a firehouse so therefore I am a fireman.

-I also live close to the airport so therefore I am a pilot.

-I work for a Christian publishing firm so therefore I am Jesus.

Wow! This is pretty fun. I can't wait to post my new resume on Monster. I am sure there are lots of companies who need a firefighing aviator diety on their team.

Don't miss out on the fun. Leave some of your "accomplishments" in the comments.

So Many Things You Can Do For Boobies

Breast cancer has the best marketing of any disease, hands-down. If all diseases had the marketing power of the breast cancer then Jerry Lewis would spend his Labor Day making BBQ in the back yard like the rest of us. Every where I go I see products branded with the the little pink ribbon. Here is a quick tally of the things I can remember of the top of my head:

Get a scarf and accessorize for boobies

Grab the Better Homes and Gardens cook book and bake for boobies

Get the pink iPod cover and jam out to Tool for boobies

Get the Passionately Pink mouse pad and surf porn for boobies

Get the new Garth Brooks album and play it while pretending to bang Trisha Yearwood for boobies.

And the latest option I just noticed after we got home from Sam's Club yestrday. Yes, you can now wipe your ass for boobies.

He Might Be But..

After this he will deny it.

Take a Big Fat Whiff

If my employment choices hadn't led me into property management/bars/marketing and if I knew anything about molecular structure, I would like to have worked as a perfumer. I enjoy smelling nice. I like pretty packaging. But so, apparently, does every celebrity on earth.

First it was Elizabeth Taylor. Maybe other famous people got in on the fragrance industry before her, but she slutted White Diamonds up like nobody's business and ensured an income for herself after being Michael Jackson's friend proved unproftable. Skip ahead a decade or two and we have a market glutted with the "creations" of Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Antonio Banderas. Jeez, even Jessica Simpson gets included if you consider edible candy lube a perfume.

I could be wrong, but it strikes me as doubtful that Britney knows much about chemistry. With this in mind, it must be pretty easy to become a perfumer. Because I'm in a charitable mood, below are a few helpful suggestions for celebrities who don't yet have perfumes on the market.

Tara Reid's Boozarella (or, failing that, I Went to Ibiza and All I Got Was this Itchy Vagina)

top notes: failure, stale margarita mix.
undertones: nicotine, Herpecin A ointment, pineapple-scented air freshener from Dollar General.
packaging suggestion: brown paper bag knotted at top end with actual hair from Tara's head pulled out during latest girl-on-girl chickenfighting incident in Cancun-area Motel 6 pool.

***

Sarah Palin's Vetted

top notes: gunpowder, grizzly bear musk
undertones: baby wipes, crude oil
packaging suggestion: American flag. Duh.

***

Barbara Walters' Eau de Eau-ld Bitch by Babwa

top notes: prunes, frosted lipstick
undertones: trees, mothballs, Hugh Downs
packaging suggestion: box undecided, but includes pair of crotchless panties

***

Samantha Ronson's Firemouth

top notes: Red Bull, clitoris.
undertones: ambiguity, cocaine, and more clitoris
packaging suggestion: pinstripe-and-faded denim box with huge pink orchid attached.

***

Rush Limbaugh's Elite

top notes: leather upholstery, McRib
undertones: white bread, Oxycontin, racism
suggested packaging: righteousness-infused cigar paper

***

Rachael Ray's Smell-o!

top notes: EVOO, stifling cheer, sandwiches
undertones: market saturation, incredible amount of anti-depressives and mood stabilizers
suggested packaging: miniature casserole dish of mediocre quality

***

Amy Winehouse's Deathwatch

top notes: scorched baking soda, Jack Daniel's, impending doom
undertones: whatever "this bitch is gonna die" smells like
suggested packaging: glass vial wrapped in dirty baggie

***

David Duchovny's Hey Hot Stuff

top notes: shame, latex
undertones: stripper dust, Lubriderm, Axe body spray
suggested packaging: clear plastic wrapped in brown paper

***

Must Be All The Extra Reaching

Today's headline courtesy of Reuters....

Taller people have the edge when it comes to happiness

"On average, men who gave their lives the worst possible rating were more than three-quarters of an inch shorter than the average man," the researchers said in a statement.

Kanye West Does Not Care About Photographic Equipment!

Rap's biggest baby was arrested this morning for vandalism and battery after he broke camera equipment of paparazzi at LAX. Just add this to he rant at last year's MTV awards and him calling out GWB at the Katrina Relief telethon. I'm sure there is more to add to this list but really, who cares about Kanye West? Not George W. Bush and certainly not me. In fact, I don;t even know why I bothered to make this post. I apologize for wating your time.

Stop Making Sense

At ImRubberYourGlue we live to make fun of pretentious, pompous, and arrogant celebrities. It's rare that you can find one that actually makes sense, especially when talking about politics. Well, here is Matt Damon on Sarah Palin.

I Have Been Trying to Put My Finger On It

I have been trying to pin down Sarah Palin's accent. Annoying, yes but I haven't quite narrowed it down. It's sort of Da Bears fans from SNL and sort of Fargo, but not quite. I think I finally figured it out. Listen for yourself

Yo, Gas Prices Is Ruff On a Brotha

Poor Puff Daddy Puffy Sean P Diddy. Times are tough. He has to fly commercial now because it costs too much for fuel for his private jet. He has to mix with the common folk (aka his fans) but luckily he gets to go first class. Please watch his video and feel his pain. Maybe we can start a PayPal account and solicit donations for him. I am sure you will also grasp his keen geo-political sense in this video.

Perspective

I stole this from Chez at Deus ex Malcontent but it drives the point home nicely.

Yes, I Am An Even Bigger Asshole

Do you think it was mean of Sarah Palin to name her youngest son after something he'll never be able to do?

RNC Confetti

Finally - Something That Makes Sense

Nasty

Gay men everywhere are all a-twitter over two concert tours in the news -- Madonna's Sticky and Sweet tour, naturally, and Janet Jackson's Rock Witchu tour. The Madonna one is obvious, because since when have homos ever not been excited to see her skank it up in fishnets and corsets? Janet (insert Miss-Jackson-if-you're-nasty joke here) is receiving a little less press, but I'm sure the queens think she's fabulous all the same.

As you can see in the photo at left, Janet recently dropped quite a few pounds for the tour, not surprising considering she does this every few months. You don't have to go beyond the impulse buy section of the grocery line to see which celebrities are ballooning up to unemployable proportions, and because people love to kick others when they're down (or, as Anthony Bourdain puts it, the best time to kick someone), Janet seems to be a favorite target because everyone remembers those insane abs. You remember. Depending on your secual orientation, though, you may not have seen the abs below the hands cupping those surgically perfect boobs. Of course, this was back in the day when everyone and my grandmother hadn't seen Janet's nipple already. Do you know how hard it is to explain intimate jewelry to your grandmother?

So anyway, at least twice a year, Janet's abs disappear underneath a layer of body fat and fleecy clothing (see below) and poorly-written supermarket tabloids go all frothy at the mouth about it. I admit to experiencing a certain amount of schaedenfreude, as well, and not least because I'm a fan of beer and bacon and dislike anyone who says I shouldn't in order to be prettier. Sure I should unite with fellow deliciousness fans behind Janet and campaign for fat famous person rights. But I won't. Here's why...

I have ZERO sympathy for celebrities who bitch about how much pressure they're under to stay thin, young, and hot, and I refuse to get all up in arms about one of them being embarrassed on the cover of the Enquirer. Instead of "you poor thing," to them I say: tough shit.

People like Janet Jackson are paid about 200 times more than me, and that's during a slow year. During a concert tour year, especially one for a singer who continues to earn royalties from 1989, that salary goes way up. The way I see it, Janet and her peers are being paid to do far more than sit behind a desk all day. In addition to being entertaining enough to make more for their bosses and turn a profit for themselves, famous people are getting a shit-ton of cash to be attractive.

Sweatsuits, especially in L.A. and especially especially not printed with "JUICY" across the ass (if those are even sold anymore, I live in the Midwest where people are still wearing them with disturbing pride), are not attractive.

If you're getting more than 8 figures a year, you can afford to get your ass to the gym and hire a nutritionist. How long do concert tours last, anyway? Certainly not the entire year. Well, then, I guess you have time to work out and eat sensibly, too.

Let me be clear -- there's nothing wrong with being big. If you're into that sort of thing, rock it as hard as you can. Like I said, I'm highly impressed by beer and bacon, and as you may imagine of a person who sits in front of their laptop and writes stuff like this, I'm not the smallest girl you'll ever encounter. I'm no slouch, but there will be no bikini wearing in my near future. I don't get paid to bust my ass at the gym after 9 hours in the office. I don't get paid to contract someone to shop at Whole Foods for me several times a week.

Janet Jackson does, which is why I'll be caught sporting an evil smirk when her tour ends and her chin envelops her collarbones and the JC Penney sporting apparel department gets just a tiny bit richer.

Sad Yet True

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is the only place to get investigative journalism today.

More Proof They Get It

Vanity Fair has an interesting article on the outfit that Cindy McCain was wearing at the convention. The article talks about how much the outfit cost. Go ahead and think of an amount that you would think is obscene, considering the fact that this is for a public appearance where you are trying to appeal to the common folk. Now multiply that by at least 10. You can read the real amount here. Imagine it was likely just something she had in the back of her closet of one of her four or seven homes, whatever the actual number is.

Something is a Little Fishy

First, I need to correct an error. In an earlier post I said McCain veep candidate Sara Palin was a Mormon. In fact I think I said she was a lactating Mormon. Well, she is not. She is Assembly of God, women famous for wearing denim dresses. You can't blame me for believing she is a Latter Day Saint with having 5 kids.

Anyway, I also learned that she believes in teaching abstinence only. Every study done has shown that these programs are much less effective than giving kids all of the options when it comes to sex ed. She only has to look as far as her oldest daughter to see this is a poor idea. If she cannot teach it in her own home then how can you expect it to work in every school in America?

Oldy McCain also said that he was well aware that her 17-year old daughter had a hockey puck in her goal when he picked her. In fact, he said he knew a week before the announcement. This turned out to be a surprise to Palin's own press secretary who found out like the rest of us did - by hearing on network news.