Nip/Tuck/Queef

As if women didn't have enough body parts to worry about, now we've got to freak out over how our vaginas look? I'm not talking about landscaping down under. That's old news. When the hair removal industry makes teeny tiny razors intended to miss your clitoris while still making you all smooth and -- possibly, depending on what you're into -- decorative, it's become standard.

Elective vaginal cosmetic surgery, heretofore known as labiaplasty, has actually been going on in foreign countries for quite some time. Trimming, tightening, or straight up removing some parts to make a woman seem more virginal is a big draw in some places. However, it's only been around in the U.S. for a few years, and it's only become big business very recently.

Maybe because we don't care about virgins so much. Unless you're tending a septic tank outside of your trailer in Nebraska, you're not likely to blink an eye when someone who's been on The Pill for 10 years before ever receiving a marriage proposal walks down the aisle wearing a thong under a spanking white dress. At the risk of sounding conservative (and I most certainly am not), morality isn't a big concern for most Americans. Looks, on the other hand, are.

Says Crystal, a labiaplasty recipient in L.A., "I looked in, like, those magazines, and saw that their inner labia shouldn't stick out like mine did."

It's pretty sad when a woman goes looking for beauty tips in Hustler.

Picking up a Cosmo and suddenly worrying about back fat, crooked big toes, and wrinkly elbows is one thing. It's neurotic and useless, but it's still one thing. Poring over porno magazines and wishing your pussy was as "nice and neat and new," to quote Crystal again, as the centerfold o' the month's is another thing entirely.

For starters, the only vaginas you see on a regular basis are those that are used to being exposed, and those that are used to being exposed are heavily used. I haven't spent enough time measuring my labia to know if my vagina looks like Briana Banks' and I don't care. I'd rather just deal with whatever's down there already than wish for some tattered RBCs I have get nipped and tucked every couple of years.

Second, unless you're truly disfigured or diseased (and I assume you'd know this before buying stock in Larry Flynt's empire), do you think anyone cares what your vagina looks like? Some guy's going to get thisclose to fucking you, look at your labia, and back off? "No thanks, miss, those are about a half centimeter too long for my liking."

Please.

Third and final, stop caring about your body so damn much. I have body issues just like everyone else, but there's a limit to what I'm willing to put myself through because of a few minor insecurities. I will never have a 6-pack. I know it's technically possible, sure, but I'm not willing to forgo beer, cheeseburgers, and leisure time to get one. My nose is crooked, my inner thighs touch, and my skin tone can best be described as "translucent."

Big. Fucking. Deal.

My vagina may or may not be attractive, but it's nothing I'll lose sleep or money over.