Something's Loose, All Right

Welcome to E!'s new hit, everyone. "Pam: Girl On The Loose" premieres on Sunday. I'm sure this will be a groundbreaking event for TV and feature everything we haven't seen before. Which, considering we're talking about Pamela Anderson, is nothing.

Whose brilliant idea was this? Why didn't I include Pam on my Top 10 People Who Shouldn't Be Famous Anymore list? Why would anyone care to see her do stuff on TV for free when we've practically stuck our heads inside of her birth canal already?

What does she even do? Last I heard she was wearing PETA shirts and driving to random KFC parking lots to protest the mistreatment of chickens. This isn't surprising considering PETA's built-for-idiots propaganda tactics, though it's disappointing to see that no one is being paid to tell Pam to just shut up and get naked. In one snippet of a trailer for P:GOTL (eff yeah, acronyms!), Pam throws a stool out of a hotel room because she claims its made of sealskin. How she would know this I have no idea, just as I have no idea how she's never seemed to consider the number of cute, fuzzy widdle animals used to test breast implants.

And it's not like she's even hot anymore. There was a time when girls had boobies, wore red swimsuits, and made David Hasselhoff look like less of a total doucherocket. Those days were the mid-90s, friends, and from the looks of Pamela Anderson these days, they're long gone. Just like her eyebrows.

She's getting older, fine, it happens even when you've got industrial-grade chemicals injected into every man-made orifice possible on the human body. But do you have to get back on TV when you look like a cantaloupe that's been left on the counter when you went away for the weekend?

Yeesh.

It's a sad day when I fondly recall the days of Pamela Anderson sex tapes (but only the Tommy Lee one because I've seen both and Bret Michaels fucking in a bandana is not a pretty sight). It's an even sadder day when I think of how much Pamela Anderson gets paid to simply breathe. And wither. And age. And occasionally talk.

Hey Pam, I've got a project for you. Instead of getting married to the next dirtball idiot who stares at your tits for one whole minute longer than the average guy who's downloaded them a billion times, why don't you try not giving your parents simultaneous strokes?

Jesus, when everything you do makes Tommy Lee look .08% more intelligent, you're going down the tubes pretty fast.