* There is a number of people in Hollywood who should never have become famous in the first place, but with a certain amount of money, connections, and loose morals, they’ve defied the odds and gotten...well, even more of those things. Also in Hollywood is a number of people that might have been famous for legitimate reasons at some point yet have ceased to be relevant at all and, somehow, are still famous for reasons I can’t understand.
Here is the Top Ten List of People Who Shouldn’t Be Famous Anymore....
1. Paris Hilton – I’m no publicist, but doesn’t someone have to do something, I don’t know, at all order to remain famous? Again, I'm not an expert, but doesn't showing your vag a few times only last a few months?
2. Britney Spears – The saying about watching train wrecks applies to only the best parts. The howling whistle, the screeching rails, the satisfyingly terrifying crunch of the collision....but let’s be real, people. Train wrecks stop being entertaining when passengers are crawling all bloody over the tracks and screaming because their faces are covered in fire. It would be even worse if those passengers had ruined their careers before getting all maimed. Britney.
3. Jessica Simpson – Her musical stylings aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but she’s not untalented. Still, what has she done for us lately? Dated a football player? So did Nicole Brown Simpson, and even she’s not famous anymore.
4. Tom Cruise – Crazy don’t win Oscars, yo.
4. Mario Lopez – I’d feel sorry for Mario Lopez were it not for the most likely true rumors of him hooking up with every stripper and Hooters waitress that side of the Continental Divide. But when your career trajectory travels the route of Saved by the Bell, Pert Star, Dancing With the Stars, and some MTV show about teenage dance crews, I have to wonder why half-naked photos of you are still used as stock footage by TMZ.
5. Tori Spelling – The only thing Tori Spelling should be famous for at this point is having a horseface and the worst boob job in Hollywood. I’m also pissed at anyone who procreates as a career move.
6. Bret Easton Ellis – Because I do read books, you know. Seriously, dude, even Jay McInerney realized that everyone had to grow up sometime.
7. Lindsay Lohan – You’re a career fuckup by the age of 20 and you don’t even have E.T. on your resume. No one will insure you to work on future movies. Solution? Become a probably fake lesbian with a junkie/laptop DJ “partner.” Yessssssss.
8. Avril Lavigne – I wouldn’t think she was still famous were it not for gossip shows (only watched on hungover Sundays, give me a break) and the constant mention of her as a “punk rock princess.” Oh for god’s sake. Let’s let her go in a real basement punk club with PBR vomit and spent needles all over the floor and see how she comes out. Her schedule should be wide open, because it’s not like anyone is buying her tickets.
9. Ashton Kutcher – As Ashton is probably well aware, marrying Demi Moore was the biggest career move possible for a guy whose most intricate scripts involved butt and weed jokes. And really, I’ve got no problem with that. Get on with your pretty self.
10. Coldplay – Maybe I slept through the reason why Coldplay is featured in the new iPod ad. Oh, that’s right, I did. Because I heard “Yellow.”
*While the image above is certainly funny, Corey Haim isn’t included in this list. Because, um, he’s not famous. Not even a little.
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