With the exception of Rock of Love 2 (evil Lacey = good TV), I'm not one to become engrossed in "celebreality" shows. I've little interest in pretty rich people pretending to be deep, troubled, or even interesting. Keeping this in mind, I've seen about an episode and a half of Denise Richards' new show, "It's Complicated." I'm not taking Denise Richards' side. I'm not saying I know all about the problems she had/is having with her ex-husband. However, I do feel absolutely qualified in asking the women of the world to stop marrying Charlie Sheen.
Here's why....
1. He's been divorced twice.
I'm no finger pointer when it comes to divorced people. I sort of am one. We all date people we wish we were dead; some of us take it a step further and legalize the whole mess. Whatever. So one divorce is fine. Two divorces, however, are not. Sure, they're willing to commit, but for how long? What sort of alimony are they paying to two different ex spouses? They're obviously on a first name basis with a divorce lawyer. Who the hell do you know (and please don't say it's your cousin Clem who almost got his paralegal degree in a strip mall)?
2. He's been divorced twice because he is (allegedly) a shitty person.
Like I said, everybody has the right to get divorced. I won't go into all the gruesome details of mine, but if I were famous and so was he, I'd probably be living comfortably on the profits from selling my story to US Weekly. Things are different for famous people like Charlie Sheen, who has (again, allegedly) beaten up his previous wives to the point of restraining orders. Learn from another dumb bitch's mistake, ladies. Black eyes 'aint pretty, especially when you're being photographed leaving court.
3. Drugs.
Drugs are kind of like divorce. Everyone's entitled to a little bit, but things turn ugly in excess. Aside from playing bongos in the nude (which probably helped his image, honestly), Matthew McConaughey hasn't had any adverse public side effects of getting really really really baked. Charlie Sheen, on the other hand, can only do so much coke before he starts to look like a caged rat. And, um, that's already happened. A husband should know the difference between cooking you dinner occasionally and cooking up smack with an old teaspoon while you're asleep in the other room.
4. Gambling.
I always wanted a husband who spends hours glued to his Mac, burning his retinas out with kiddie porn and online poker. At least his new wife will get the bed to herself.
5. Hookers.
My favorite thing about Charlie Sheen isn't that he's a drunk or has a sitcom with Ducky. I like the hookers. I like the idea of hookers, and that a guy with tons of money and sort-of good looks is paying not only for high-priced escorts but also for gutter trash with facial-area crackpipe burns. Everyone's got a past (remember that LAG phase in college, ladies?), but late-80s Sunset Strip STDs don't belong on a marriage certificate.
6. He's a douche.
And I'm not even speaking in "alleged" terms here. Denise Richards may be crazy, but what kind of dickhead tells a magazine that his first marriage was "for show" and his second marriage was "a con," especially when one of those sham marriages produced children and he's got another kid who's no doubt in therapy right now?
So please, women of the world, please stop marrying Charlie Sheen. I don't know how many future Mrs. Sheens are out there (I'm betting on at least 4, and it's entirely probable that Charlie Sheen himself will get in on the over-under), but if I can reach at least one of you with this, I'll consider myself to have served humanity.
And then I'll go mock someone else.
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