Orphanages R' Us

By now, everyone and their only-a-few-kids-tops-making mother has heard about Nadya Suleyman and her octuplets. The ridiculous results of overzealous IVF frequently make the news, not to mention corporate sponsorships and endless jokes about having a litter.

The Octo-Mom (term courtesy of Perez Hilton and I am stealing it) is no different. When the story first broke, she became kind of a saint for the pro-life cause. Of course a normal woman would learn about 8 babies living inside her and freak out. It would be perfectly normal for her to terminate one or two or seven of them. But Nadya Suleyman is not normal. Shit, she's not even sane. She also shouldn't be considered a representative for anyone other than the kinds of people who hoard dozens of cats in their minivans.

A few days after Nadya gave birth to her eight newest children, it was revealed that the 33-year-old has six other children already. SIX. ALL of whom were also conceived via IVF. "All I wanted was children," she told Ann Curry this morning. Bitch, you had children! Listen, I went to Catholic school, okay? My parents weren't totally into reproducing, but there were a couple of families who didn't believe in birth control. The largest family in the parish had seven children, which, though not typical, was still acceptable. All those kids were a couple of years apart. All those kids were conceived the old fashioned way. All those kids didn't belong to a woman who is single, lives with her parents in a 2-bedroom house, and declared bankruptcy last year.

I may not be up on my financial terminology, but I always thought bankruptcy meant no money. Like, not enough money to pay for IVF, an extremely costly and painful procedure that most heartbroken women turn to as a second-to-last resort before considering adoption.

Right?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Nadya Suleyman really does just love babies as she claims. Maybe she really will give all 14 kids the best upbringing ever. Maybe she's not a wackjob whose mission in life is to collect as many human beings as possible and -- you know it's true -- collect government assistance for at least half of those little bastards.

Maybe she's not trying to steal Angelina Jolie's baby crazy thunder, though the below image certainly suggests otherwise. All I know is that if I were Zahara Jolie-Pitt, I'd put down the Montessori toys and start whittling a shiv out of Maddox's toothbrush.

Far be it from me to disparage someone else's reproductive rights, but in this age of celebrity worship and terrible choices involving reality television, doesn't Nadya Suleyman's decision to have eight children at a time with six previous children being herded about by the grandparents seem a little odd to you? As if the blessing of eight screaming, shitting, money-sucking machines wasn't enough, Nadya hired not one, but two publicists to field her interview requests and, it's presumed, assistance *cough* sponsorship *cough* opportunities.

Which is why it's heartening to know that the standard baby-loving corporations Procter & Gamble and Gerber have stayed way the hell away from Nadya and her mess of a brain (not to mention cervix, ZING!). We may reward criminals and fame whores and all sorts of other weirdos in this country, but child hoarders are a different story.