Nucular Fail

This is just...I mean, I can't even...Jesus, Sarah Palin. What the fuck?



Next time you do some nasally interview about the Presidential turkey pardon, could you, I don't know, umm, try not to do it at a turkey slaughterhouse while a turkey is being killed behind you? PLEASE?

IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Month - Michael Minelli

* It seems I am not the only one who thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag. I'm in expertly good company, at least when it comes to douchebags, that is. Turns out that Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, also thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag, and enough of one to include in a book modeled after his Web site.

If you've ever abused your employer's liberal Internet privileges, you've probably stumbled upon Hot Chicks with Douchebags at some point. I don't remember exactly when I found it, but I do know that I immediately shared it with my work friends. Less than two weeks later, some random Douchebag was the mascot of a PowerPoint happy hour invitation.

Hot Chicks with Douchebags (hereafter referred to as HCWD because I'm sick of typing the whole thing) is clever in its subtlety. Jay Louis doesn't ruminate on the intellectual merit of his subjects (assuming they have it, but of course, that's not the point). He doesn't extrapolate on their lives beyond the photo in which they appear. They are, quite simply, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. And on HCWD, this is all that matters.

(dude, you're such a douche.)

So anyway, Michael Minelli is some douchebag "club promoter" in Vegas who wound up on HCWD. Surprise -- he got pissed. I like to imagine that his roided-up pecs bulged to the point of popping and whatever silly bandana --oh, sorry, it's probably a do-rag -- he tied on slipped right off his gel-slicked head only to irritate him further by snagging on an uber-douchey diamond ear stud. Keep in mind, this is only speculation. Besides, men, even the douchebag kind, don't handle their disputes like men anymore. They don't bump chests, snort, punch one another in the face, and then decide to be buds once the ass kicking is done. No. They do not do that. What do they do?

They hire lawyers.

Michael Minelli sicced a team of lawyers on Jay Louis on the grounds of libel. That is, without Jay Louis and his book o' douche, no one in the world would ever think Michael Minelli was less than an A-ok guy. With, um, lots of bronzer and an "oops, I was walking down the street and just happened to walk into a graffiti artist war!" t-shirt. Plus the aforementioned pecs, do-rag, and studs.

So I nominate Michael Minelli for IRYG's Internet Douchebag of the Week. It wasn't easy beating out Sarah Palin's surreal turkey slaughterhouse fail, but you've done it. Now get that nozzle out of your ass and get down tha club. Tha honeys is waitin'.

*PS: I have no idea if any of the Douchebags pictured here are Michael Minelli, but I highly doubt it's the guys at the top. Michael Minelli is based in Vegas, and those two idiots reek of Jersey.

Skip Church - Watch This

You will get the idea in the first 30 seconds but don't tune out. Stick with it or skip to about 4:30 in. You will be glad you did.

Too Hell With Oprah, These Are My Favorite Things

Not counting my wife, there are very few things I can say that a truly love. Drinking? Sure. Really good pizza? That's a given. Sex? Of course. All those things satisfy a basic human need. So beyond that it gets difficult for me to name things a enjoy deeply. With one exception - when people are attacked by wild animals. I cannot never hear enough stories about when people, using doing something that challenges the order set in nature, cause themselves to be hurt by a wild animal. The more horrific the injury ot stupid the deed the more I like. Here is the latest

Panda bites student seeking a hug

The Jungle Idiots

Dear Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz,

WHAT THE FUCK.

Although I don't claim to understand the motivation behind naming your child Bronx Mowgli Wentz and I have no background in child psychology or behavior, I belief I can safely predict that your firstborn son is going to get the crap kicked out of him. Repeatedly. Even if he doesn't have retarded hair or guyliner.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. You fuckers.

Sincerely,

IRYG

Symptoms of the Problem

I realize that times are tough in the good ol' US of A right now. The stock market is below 8000. Banks are failing. Every time you turn on the TV you hear about more layoffs. But let's face it, it's still really good here. Even as bad as things may seem now, we are way better off than 99.867% of the rest of the world. Our poor people own televisions for crying out loud. There are kids in 3rd world nations that are dreaming of that their version of Santa Claus will bring them a stick. It's so good in America that we have to create new problems. The latest? Eco-anxiety.

Eco-anxiety is a form of depression caused by feeling anxious over the state of the environment. People with this "disorder" worry constantly about recycling, global warming, and the like. Here is an example; a Berkeley mother so stressed out about the extravagance of her nightly baths that she has started to reuse her daughter's bath water. This being the US, if there is a problem, we have a solution - eco-anxiety therapists. The therepists say that we are so disconnected with nature that this is the end result. For $250 they give the patients such sage advice "carry a rock with you" or "go outside."

What is the profile of the typical eco-anxiety sufferer? Wealthy white women. Of course. If you were poor and concerned about feeding your family you would not have time to get upset that someone dropped a Snickers wrapper on the ground. Time will tell but my call is that this may be the new anoriexia. I am reminded what the late great George Carlin said about women with anorexia. "Some rich bitch doesn't want to eat? Fuck her." I think that says it all.

Less Than Fabulous

Brad's right. What were we thinking when we voted for a president that might actually, I don't know, do a few things right for a change? We of imrubberyourglue have been sort of adrift amid the usual piss and vinegar of the Internet. Do you miss the good old fashioned rants of early to mid-2008? Me too, yo. It's a good thing Mickey Rourke is still alive.

Mickey Rourke has recently fallen into the Old Reliable of modern day celebrity cliches -- he apologized for calling someone a name. Apparently, some gossip columnist (everyone else seems to think it's Perez Hilton) speculated that Mickey was dating Evan Rachel Wood, also known as Marilyn Manson's ex-girlfriend, also known as -- ha! -- the Welfare Version of Dita Von Teese.

Mickey took offense to being linked with an attractive young lady with potential, got drunk, and said the following to the paparazzi: "C'mon, get a grip. And tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs."

And, of course, people got pissy. And, of course of course, Mickey Rourke apologized. In typical written-by-a-publicity-intern fashion, the statement read "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone."

Bitch, please.

I'm not advocating that anyone in the public eye should be able to gay bash their way straight to DVD. I don't think the word "faggot" should be used to describe an unsavory character, nor am I one of those religious fascists having chaste, missionary-only celebrations for the passing of the allegedly family-values-destroying Prop 8.

But I also think that the celebrity apology has gone too far. Mickey Rourke called some guy a faggot. Big fucking deal. We're not talking about Barney the Dinosaur here, we're talking about Mickey Rourke. Barfly. Cocaine. Short-lived pro boxing career. Terrifying plastic surgery. Possible Evan Rachel Wood boinking. Mickey. Fucking. Rourke. Seriously, what do people expect of the man? I'd be disappointed if he never said anything offensive about anyone.

I mean, really. Expecting Mickey Rourke to be nice is like expecting Gary Busey to be sane. It’s totally unrealistic and you’ll always be disappointed. And, if you’re like me and my fellow IRYG contributors, you’ll be irritated beyond reason that a Hollywood fuckup is forced to apologize for whatever bonehead thing everyone knew he was going to say, anyway.

So stop apologizing, Mickey Rourkes of the world. Be a drunk. Be an idiot. Be weird and creepy and brush that pubey beard to your heart’s content. Say dumb things if you’d like, but don’t for a second fool yourself into believing people expect more of you.

People Magazine Headline From Today

I always think of People Magazine as the antithesis of what we do at ImRubberYoueGlue (or maybe I should say the perfect fodder). It's constant coverage or trite issues and celebrities who take themselves way to seriously. Here is today's gem:

Yes, exactly like poetry. Very closeted gay poetry.

An Open Letter to Mel Karmazin

This is not a typical post for ImRubberYourGlue, but as I explained previously I have been too happy to write the normal fare for this site. Besides, people actually read this blog so maybe someone could forward it to Mel. In case you did not know, Mel Karmazin is the CEO of Siruis XM, the satellite radio provider of which I am a subscriber and a share holder. A lot of shares. A lot of shares that I paid an average around $4.50 to own and are, as of this morning, are being traded at 26 cents. Something has to be done.

I love Sirius. I have been a subscriber since October of 2005 and have not listened to terrestrial radio since. When I heard Howard Stern was moving to satellite radio I did two things; I bought a receiver and I bought shares of Sirius. Last year I was given an iPod and I have to confess that these days I spend more time with it than my Sirius receiver. I have completely changed the way I consume content thanks in part to Tivo and the iPod and so have a lot of people. If Sirius wants to stick around they need to become more than a broadcasting company who delivers their content on satellite rather than on a Earthbound transmitter. Here is what they can do.

1. Offer Podcasts of their popular shows: This isn’t great for music but perfect for talk shows. Like him nor not, Stern is the reason a lot of people have Sirius. If you could download the show each day to your iPod and take it to work or wherever you go, a lot of people would do that. A lot of people would probably pay a few dollars more each month to be able to listen to the show when and where they want. A lot of people who do not subscribe because they don’t want to buy a receiver may also sign up to get casts of their favorite shows.

2. Open a Music Store: There is a lot of great music on Sirius. A lot of times when I listen I make a note to myself to go download a song I heard. How convenient would it be if I could press a button and be able to buy the song? Very cool. If all receivers were WiFi enabled, this could be done. If people are listening online this could be very easily done.

I'm Happy and That Makes Me Mad

Something very strange has been happening at ImRubberYourGlue since the election. There has been a noticeable change in tone – a lot less vitriol. I don’t know, maybe even a twinge of happiness? This site was created to make fun of celebrities, the media, and regular people who take themselves too seriously. That hasn’t been happening. At least not with the same sort of aggression as in the past. Yes, electing Barack Obama as President has made me optimistic, excited, even hopeful. The audacity! (that would make a great book title)


I have worked in comedy professionally, on and off, for many years. I can tell you that the funniest stuff comes from anger and pain. Anything that pisses you off can easily be turned in to comedy gold. Life would be so much easier, comedy wise, with a McCain/Palin administration. All I would have to do is scan the headlines each day, fume, and the piece would write itself. Now I’m struggling. I have to read deep into stories, read crap like People Magazine, and pay attention. It’s like work. So what was I thinking voting for an intelligent, thoughtful, competent person for president?

Hey Beav, Check Out My Project for Art Class

Tony Dow, the actor who played Wally on the iconic 50’s show Leave it To Beaver is having an abstract sculpture he created displayed at the Louvre in Paris. The “sculpture” is titled Unarmed Warrior and depicts a woman holding a bronze shield. At least that’s what the press release says. Judge for yourself. I have almost no artistic ability myself and even less ability to judge the skill of others, but I kinda wonder if this is not just some French thing. You know, like Jerry Lewis being worshiped as a genius.
Regardless, the story got me curious so I checked out what the rest of the cast from Leave it to Beaver is up to these days. Turns out that Tony Dow is not the only one working in the arts.

Lumpy Rutherford (Frank Bank) – Is now working on Fremont Street in Las Vegas as Harvey the Juggler. He came into being a juggler quite by accident. Prior, he was handing out flyers for strip clubs when one day some kids threw balls from the bounce house at Circus Circus at him. Rather than dropping his flyers, he held on and deftly juggled them and the balls. Thus a new career was born. No, this is not an old photo. He dresses like that every day.

Eddie Haskell (Ken Osmond) – Briefly toured as a musical act in the 1970’s and tried to cash in on his last name, booking himself as “The Osmond.” Today, he is a roadie for “Starship” and is occasionally recognized at the county fairs the band plays.

The Beaver (Jerry Mathers) – Little known fact, he was the real life inspiration for the Chris Farley Chippendale’s sketch on SNL. While he always aspired to be a dancer, his struggles with weight held him back. He occasionally performs today as a belly dancer at House of Falafel in Omaha

Help Finding Ass

Jim Baggepantes of Nashville, TN who previously could not find his own ass with Both hands and a Map, was reunited Saturday night with his Saggy friend.

When asked how the discovery came about, Jim replied "Geo cache".

Apparently, while passed out at a party one night, a Wiley Geo cacher placed a small plastic treasure chest filled with Tinker Toys in Jim's seat.

Jim woke up thinking. 'Wow my ass hurts'.

Which isn't rare since Jim does enjoy non-consensual sodomy on occasion.

Then some weeks later a couple from St.Louis, MO came up to him in a bar and offered to buy him a drink if they could examine his rectum.

To which he replied, 'I don't have any idea where it is'.

Well ,what transpired next was a series of drinks followed by a memorable reunion.

Apparently Geo caching has a purpose after all.

I think, next up a certain individual in the Mountains of Pakistan.

Lincoln Bedroom Gets Makeover

Breaking News: "Rent-A-Center tapped to handle White House Redecorate"

I Heart the First Lady Elect

Now that I'm no longer sick with anxiety over who will be our next president, Senator Barack Obama or Zombie Overlord McCain, I can finally get back to contributing to imrubberyourglue and feel good about putting other people down.

Sort of.

I wish I could use this blog to disparage someone or some stupid bullshit they had the misfortune to put on the Internet, but there is a more pressing issue on my mind. And that issue is....

I LOVE MICHELLE OBAMA.

I'm not usually one to care so much about the First Spouse, what with all their non-politicking and naming drug rehab clinics after themselves. I'm far more interested in the President and what they're up to, because that sort of thing directly correlates to what country I say I'm from when I travel overseas.

Michelle Obama is different.

I think Michelle Obama is quite possibly the coolest First Lady we have ever had. She may be the coolest First Lady we will ever have, unless, that is, Hillary takes office someday. Like her husband, Michelle knows how to stride onstage, command an audience, and be totally fucking awesome without looking like she's trying at all.

She also looks like she could kick some ass, but not in that obnoxious, aggressive barfly way. Michelle wouldn't bother with dumping a warm beer down your back and reaching for a clump of your hair. She's too good for that. Michelle is like a super steathy sly lady ninja.

See? You think she's reaching for the sign but she's really removing your brain. And you can't even feel it.

I'm not naive enough to think that no floozy is going to come forward and claim she schtupped the 44th President of the United States, but I really like watching Barack and Michelle Obama interact. She's not overbearing. She's not timid. She stands at eye level with him and seems to be telepathically saying to him, "You will rock my world tonight and make me breakfast in the morning!" All while respecting the hell out of him, of course, just like you know he does with her.

They seem like a way better couple than George and Laura Bush. I have nothing against Laura, not really, because I understand she's very into literacy causes. But I always got the feeling that Laura was like that slightly homely-looking, cockeyed brainy girl who got asked out by the popular frat boy and was too afraid to look back at her marginal past. I don't know what kind of Botox she's getting, but I can't imagine the kind of muscle control it must require to refrain from rolling your eyes at George Bush during a state dinner.

So thank you, Michelle Obama. Thank you for not being just another mute in pumps. Thank you for standing up with your husband instead of just alongside him, and thank you for being involved in what I'm hoping -- see, I finally have hope! -- will be an amazing presidency.

Some Advice for President Elect Obama

So now that Barack Obama will be president, I am optimistic that our country will get back on the right path. I am also hopeful that ImRubberYourGlue will be able to move past politics and get back to what do best – making fun of people and using the word “douche bag.” Before we do I want to offer up a little advice to our future president.

There are a lot of problems this country is facing – failing economy, climate change, wars, inflation, and an ever growing deficit. While I do not pretend to have the answers to all of those problems, I think I have a solution to reducing the budget deficit. I have a lot of experience in marketing and when you have a product or brand that has slow or shrinking growth you offer a premium or one of a kind experience. Take Disney, they had squeezed about every possible revenue channel out of their theme parks that they could. So what did they do? They offered and express pass which allowed people who paid extra could go right to the front of the line on any ride. That’s exactly what the government can do and provide us a little fun while doing it.

Sure, we could do practical things like cut mail service to three days a week (I only get mail anyway) and for people who want it more often, they can pay extra. We can go the Disney route and have people pay extra to not stand in line for things like renewing your driver’s license or even voting. But I have plan that I think provides people with a unique experience that only the government can provide and serve an essential public service. It’s sort of like a national lottery or auction. We execute a lot of prisoners in the United States, especially in Texas. Why not hold a lottery where people buy ticket to be the person to throw the switch on an execution? Tickets could be 10 bucks and if your umber is drawn, you get to kill a convicted death row inmate. Now that’s value! A once-in-a-lifetime experience that few others will ever have the chance to experience for only a Hamilton? The treasury coffers will runneth over.