PEOPLE!

Wow! It must have been a slooooow news day at People Magazine today because on of their top headlines that came across my RSS feed was this little nugget “Isaac Hanson and Wife Nikki Have a Boy!” I realize I am not likely in the People demographic being a white heterosexual male who is….. lets just say north of 35, and I don’t recognize some of he names of “celebrities” today, but I know most. So out of sheer boredom at work I clicked on said headline. Isaac Hanson, in case you are like me –NORMAL—and do not know who he is, is from the 90’s boy (literally) one-hit wonder band Hanson. So I guess Madonna hasn’t banged any more Yankees and perpetually pregnant Brangelina has not given birth yet to twins, but Isaac Hanson? Really?? Certainly Andy Dick was somewhere today. I know Danny Bonaduce did something today for sure. I like how People was compelled to spice up this story with the exclamation point on the end.

As you can see from the picture that Isaac did not grow up so cute. So maybe that is the headline; Someone is actually banging this guy. Is it me or is his dude’s head enormous? Just in case you forgot just how sickeningly sweet their “hit” MmmBop was (hey, it needs three Ms) here it is for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tfSqjc_WRY

Don't Forget to Get Cancelled

The other day, the boyfriend and I were flipping through the channels on his non-cable TV. I didn't grow up with cable, so my response to people who did have it and said "There's nothing on!" was "Are you kidding? You've got seventy-something channels. There's always something on!" Luckily, although I have now had cable for the past few years, I haven't lost my television naïvety and still think there's always something on.

But only when you have cable.

Like I said, the boyfriend doesn't have cable. I'm not one to complain (not about TV, anyway), so I read while he obsessively flips through no more than eight channels. I look up every now and then, usually during Nova or when I have the opportunity to mock TMZ and their bogus-ass "newsroom."

During his remote-hogging, he came across what I find to be the absolute worst show on TV: Don't Forget The Lyrics.

Everyone knows Wayne Brady sold his soul to Satan and that Satan obviously has no sense of humor. Everyone also knows that people have a nearly unlimited capacity for humiliation, and that karaoke bars the world over are their Shangri La. I can accept these truths. What I cannot accept, however, are dorky white people who clearly spent hours in front of their bathroom mirrors practicing Lionel Richie songs and different ways to shout the show's catchphrase, "LOCK IN THOSE LYRICS!"

Patrick Kramer, you shall die.

A Sphincter Says What?

I noticed there has been little on I’m Rubber Your Glue lately. Part of the reason for that is I have not read any news, watched any TV, and done very little web surfing over the past week. Therefore I have not heard about any stupid celebrities and any stupider politicians. I am aware that Jamie Lynn Spears had a kid, so did Matthew McConaughey (I understand he even wore a short in the delivery room). And I am just going to assume that John McCain has changed his position on Iraq, FISA Warrants, and the economy several times. I also took some time off work so I also have not encountered any stupid people either. Until today.

I was back at work and it was one of the girl’s birthdays, a nice person who is one of the few people at work I actually like. As she was leaving one person wished her happy birthday and one of the three things you should never say ever. Unless you are a douchebag and fully committed to your douchebaggery. You have heard them all before but bear with me while I list them here (feel free to cringe).

1. Is it hot/cold/wet enough for you? I know you are trying simply trying to be nice, make conversation, and are not intelligent enough to think up anything original to say. I get it.

2. When you’re done washing the car/mowing the lawn you can do mine next. Oh, you are quite the comedian! I bet you write for Carrot Top or worse yet, Dane Cook. Maybe you actually think you are a Jedi and you are attempting to use the mind trick?

3. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. That’s the one I heard today that inspired this whole thing. You are an asshole so I am probably not going to do anything you would do so that only leaves me with doing things you wouldn’t do.

I know sometimes even for us non-douchebags it can be hard to resist saying these things, especially when dealing with the truly douchebagged, but these words should never pass the lips of anyone wanting to live in decent society. While you ponder this, I thought I would leave you with what may be the greatest cartoon I have ever read.

Look In the Mirror and Tell Me What You See

My dad was fond of saying that “There are more horses’ asses in the world than there are horses.” If he were alive today he would probable modify that statement to be “There are more douche bags in this world than there is douche. (I could have said something like smelly pussies, but this is a classy blog). You may have noticed that douche bag is a frequently used word on I’m Rubber Your Glue. It’s also one of my personal favorites. I don’t think most douche bags know they are douche bags. So as a public service I thought I would point out some signs so that when you look in the mirror you can tell if you yourself are indeed a douche bag.

You have one more of the following combinations on your face – an extremely manicured beard or soul patch, more than one earring, a handlebar moustache, your collar “popped,” you are wearing a ball cap at any angle other than straight, and grills.

It’s below 38 degrees and you are wearing shorts to show of your cool leg tat.

You roll up your sleeves to show of your “guns.”

You own more than 1 item from Abercrombie and Fitch.

You drive a car that you have spent more than $500 customizing.

You have more than two types of product in your hair.

You have a show and a 24-hour news network (Keith Olbermann partially excluded, Tim Russert totally excluded)

You have a reality show on the Bravo network.

These are just a few signs. There are plenty more. Contrary to popular belief, sitting in a Starbucks writing on your laptop does not make you a douche bag. No, being in Starbucks in and of itself makes you a douche bag not to mention paying $4 for a cup of coffee.

Just Pull Up to the Pump and Stick It In

The Smoking Gun reports that a hooker in Kentucky recently received a $100 gas card as payment for her services. Can't blame her. We're all painfully aware that gas is worth more than money these days, and personally, I find it inspiring that she requested fuel instead of crack.

What gets me are the charges brought against her. One for prostitution, naturally, but another for doing business without an occupational license. That's all well and good for someone selling, say, Slurpees and magazines, but in the case of such strumpets (trollopes, tramps, ladies of the night, I could go all day here), I would assume that certain anatomical features would constitute a license.

ohmygodohmygodmohmygod.....

While searching for hookers photos, I stumbled upon www.PhotosofHookers.com. Aces.

There Goes My Run for Office as a Republican.

See the above picture? One of those people is my lovely wife who chose to march with some friends in the gay pride parade in St. Louis. I was not there. I stayed at home and watched the NASCAR race. I would have gone except for one thing – all the gays. Now before you start accusing me of homophobia, let me explain. I have absolutely no problem with whom someone chooses to fall in love or have sex with. And I have no problem with lesbians at all. I am talking about the way over the top, ultra-flamboyant, deck of the Titanic gay men. They’re just sooo annoying. And when you get a lot of them together at an event, say maybe a parade, it’s time for them to let loose, upping the annoying factor to 11. You know how straight guys act when their team wins a championship? Annoying right? We run around screaming, setting stuff on fire, and generally making huge asses of ourselves. The parade is like gay Superbowl, only it smells better.

Here is the other thing that kept me away – I don’t care enough about cause to make me want to walk in a parade. There is nothing in my life that I am so into I feel the need to walk down asphalt on a hot summer day. Unless they have a parade for beer, pizza and blowjobs then I’m staying on the couch. Unless at the end of the parade there is no beer, pizza, or blowjobs then I will pass on that too.

A Missed Connection

I have a problem with hippies. It's not so much the peace or love (or dope, really) that irritates me. I think those things are aces. My problem with hippies stems from my dislike of uselessness.

Hippies are so purposeless. They wander about all dumbstruck like children who were dropped on their heads (and landed on giant bongs). No matter how political or informed they claim to be (hemp will save the world, man!), they just sort of stumble around, blissfully unaware of their surroundings or the reality of the issues their lifestyle is supposed to represent. Hippies are just too lazy to care. Baths? Meh. Jobs? Meh. Crappy music? Double dog meh. Much like the undulating swamp stomp style of their dancing, hippies just kind of bend with the wind.

The stinky, filthy wind.

My most recent brush with the hippies occurred at last week's Tom Waits show. I was excited to see this show. Insanely excited. I actually had heart palpitations when I got good seats. Tom Waits doesn't tour all that often, you see, and he's not exactly a whippersnapper anymore. As I took my seat in the grandest old theater in St. Louis, I expected magnificence. I wanted to be illuminated.

What I got was hippies.

To deal with my anger over the hippies, I did what any disgruntled Internet haver does: I went to Craigslist. (My post here.) So far I've received about 30 e-mails from fellow concertgoers who wished to share their support (including one Blogger who linked me). Some gems....

"loved your rant!....why someone didn't get up and throttle them i don't know....next time maybe we should unite and outdance them back into their seats..."

"One asshole at the show I was at (Houston) yelled out "Play some Skynyrd" Tom quickly replied "I thought I told you to stay in the corner" There were a few more assholes yelling requests too. Your post was dead on."

“I feel for you....their... uh... gyrations I guess we'll call them, were distracting enough that I kept craning my neck over, wishing I was close enough to swat them in the back of their mangy heads.”

“....your post is damn hilarious. Thanks for the laughs, sorry bout the granola.”

“Brilliant, brilliant posting. The assholes in front of me blazed up a few times and couldn't stop from moshing in their seats, their arms and hands constantly entering and re-entering my line of vision. Just wanted to say I identified.”

“Right on for you - if I see them I'll punch their teeth out for you.”

“God, thank you.”

Seriously, what is wrong with people like this????