Spot the things that apply to you and keep them in mind as you go about your life.
1. No one cares that you are getting married/having a kid/had a kid/got engaged/bought a new house. All of the above are things that people seem to seek out special recognition for. While they may be important to you, the rest of us really don’t give a shit. More importantly they do not require that I even recognize the event, much less buy you a gift or take away time from my life to come celebrate the event with you. You want to get married, just go do it. Look, you are probably going to spend at least $25 per person on dinner at a reception. In exchange, I may get you a gift worth about $25. Cut out the bullshit, save the time and effort and go buy yourself a gift. Drop me an e-mail after the wedding. You can attach a picture if you want. Having a kid? That’s fine but I do not need to spend my money on a gift because your genitals function properly. Oh by the way, your kid is not as smart or as cute as you think. They all do whatever it is you will be bragging about, except the retards.
1. No one cares that you are getting married/having a kid/had a kid/got engaged/bought a new house. All of the above are things that people seem to seek out special recognition for. While they may be important to you, the rest of us really don’t give a shit. More importantly they do not require that I even recognize the event, much less buy you a gift or take away time from my life to come celebrate the event with you. You want to get married, just go do it. Look, you are probably going to spend at least $25 per person on dinner at a reception. In exchange, I may get you a gift worth about $25. Cut out the bullshit, save the time and effort and go buy yourself a gift. Drop me an e-mail after the wedding. You can attach a picture if you want. Having a kid? That’s fine but I do not need to spend my money on a gift because your genitals function properly. Oh by the way, your kid is not as smart or as cute as you think. They all do whatever it is you will be bragging about, except the retards.
2. It’s not a party unless you supply the food and drink. I have been invited to too many parties where the invitation goes something like this – “Bring your own drinks and whatever you want to throw on the grill. You might want to a chair too.” When you throw a party it is up to you to provide a substantial part of the food and/or alcohol. If I have to bring every thing I need to your place to have a good time then why should I not stay at home? Besides, your other friends are assholes. Sure, it’s cool to ask friends to bring a side dish. You should always have enough class to not show up at someone’s house empty handed. The worst is when people tell you it’s a party but NO ALCOHOL. WTF? If you are inviting adults over but don’t want us to drink you are not having a party. You are having a meeting.
3. If you read Maxim of the SI Swimsuit Edition because of the hot chicks, you are a pussy. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is more porn than you could ever jerk off too in the Internet so have it at. At the very least step up to Playboy.
