Should Elton John Be Allowed to Adopt?

Lots of celebrities want to adopt kids from foreign countries. An adopted black babay is the must-have accessory in Hollywood right now. Between Madonna and Angelina Jolie
and all the media attention they got, celebs figure it's great PR. Now Even Elton John wants in on the action. There is some debate going on as to whether or not he should be allowed to adopt. Let me answer that question......

Simply put…HELL NO! And it is has nothing to do with his sexual preference at all. The reason he should not adopt is that he is 62 years old. There is no practical way he can keep up with a kid at that age. Look, my father was 46 when I was born. By the time I was old enough to where I would want my dad to play ball with me, he was on his first bypass surgery. We watched a lot of 60 Minutes together though. So if Sir Elton were allowed to adopt there could be a point where both he and his kid are wearing diapers and eating soft food. Plus how can the kid ever understand Halloween when your dad’s understated outfit is a Donald Duck suit.

Pass the Bong and Hit the Gas

Brooke Hogan released a new album the other day. I don't know when her first one came out, or if there were any between the first and this one. Doesn't matter. She's Brooke Hogan. All she needs to do is sit back, spend her father's money, and wait for the day drag queens start dressing up like her.

This may happen sooner than she thought, thanks to the airbrushed custom van design that is her new album cover. If she'd released that record anywhere between 1973 and 1986, the only reason people would have bought it would have been to give it to their older brother's friend "Poncho" or "Snake" or something to tape up on the side of their van and trace freehand. They would have paid him with some Mexican dirt weed and a bottle of Night Train. Possibly also some rolling papers. But only if they'd just gotten their check that day.

Seeing as though this is 2009, pretty much no one will buy it for any reason.

The Bitch Who Won't Eat Ham

I've called out Gwyneth Paltrow before. I've ranted about her asinine GOOP newsletter, her diet, and most of all, the giant stick up her ass. But Gwyneth doesn't know me and I'm not famous, so since then I've been waiting around for someone better to say the same thing.

Anthony Bourdain, you remain one of my heroes.

(And not just because Brad describes me as "Like Anthony Bourdain with a great rack.")

On the topic of Spain...On the Road Again, the travel/food show she's on with Bourdain's friend Mario Batali, Bourdain said "Why would you go to Spain with the one bitch who refuses to eat ham?"

According to Perez Hilton, Gwyneth's macrobiotic diet forbids her from eating meat and she has claimed that she will not eat meat during the show. Which is about food. In Spain. Where one of their proudest culinary traditions is curing pork.

Why would Gwyneth be there at all? She's allegedly friends with Mario Batali, but I can't imagine her eating or drinking anything worthwhile at all, let alone any of the delicious, fatty, creative, decidedly un-blessed-by-a-Kabbalah-leader stuff in Spain and be fun enough to be a travel companion. I mean, she'd be great to take with you to a colonic spa, but Spain? Mario, wtf?

It Killed Bill

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Explanation Reverse Engineered

If you were a heterosexual male in the 1980’s you liked Top Gun. Sure, you may deny it today but at one point in your life you either wanted to be Maverick or even Iceman. You traded in your Ray Ban Risky Business sunglasses for some tinted aviator shades and you know you looked at bomber jackets too. You also wanted to bang Kelly McGillis. And why not? She was sexy, smart, and had a great body. Hey, she made Amish chicks seem hot so of course you fantasized about giving it to her. Well my brothers, that window of opportunity is gone.

She said in a recent interview that after a couple of divorces and other bad experiences with men she realized that she was a lesbian at the age of 51. Sounds reasonable perhaps but I would like to offer up an alternate explanation. Let’s say you get a call from a friend. He says that he is going to set you up on a blind date and of course you ask what she looks like, right? So your friend says she looks exactly like Kelly McGillis. All of sudden you picture yourself as Maverick with her on the back of your motorcycle. “Dreams do come true” you think as you hang up the phone. You go to pick up your date and are greeted at the door by this:

I think you now have a much clearer picture as to why no man is dating her. Explanation reverse engineered.

And In Other News

And in other news.....Mark Anthony's phone number keeps appearing on local suicude hotline's caller ID.

Also, Jennifer Lopez likes tacos and burritos.

Size 2 My Giant Ass

Kim Kardashian was outraged when US Weekly damn rightly incorrectly labeled her as a size 12. Not only does Kim deny this, she apparently thinks that a size 12 reflects obesity. According to her, a size 12 means that she is a "fuller-figured" woman of "extra large size."

Also according to her, she's a size 2.

Bitch, please.

I guess if want the truth, I guess I'll have to ask someone who hasn't been peed on by Ray J.

Fool Me Once, You're Still a Bitch

As if anyone needed more proof than Ann Coulter is a racist bitch with no sense of humor, she totally bought into Car & Driver magazine's April Fools Day prank about President Obama banning GM and Chrysler's participation in NASCAR due to rednecks watching cars make left turns for three hours being an "unnecessary expenditure" in these troubled economic times.

(NASCAR description mine, not C&D's.)

Wrote Eva Braun Ann on her blog regarding the news she was fully convinced was accurate (true to form, without further research or anything else approximating real knowledge), "If Obama can tell GM and Chrysler that their participation in NASCAR is an "unnecessary expenditure," isn't having public schools force students to perform Muslim rituals and plan jihads also an unnecessary expenditure?"

Uh. Wait, what?

Obvious prank notwithstanding, what in the world is Ann Coulter thinking? (Obvious questions, sorry.) Since when has Obama (or any other U.S. President, for that matter) ever had the public school system force students into performing Muslim rituals and planning jihads? Or is she just one of the 20% of evangelical Christians who still believes that President Obama is a radical Muslim (thus making up a large portion of the 11% of all Americans total) despite loads of information to the contrary?

I would ask if she is ignoring the (successful) steps the Bush administration took to have public schools force students to perform Christian rituals and plan curriculums based around teaching Creationism, but I already know the answer to that and asking would simply make the universe implode.

Happy April Fools Day, you cunt.

Hassle It More Than Twice and You're Playing With It

David Hasselhoff is trying to get his daughters into the music business and calls their two-girl group "The Hoff Drops." No one can be certain this early in their hahaha oh I just can't careers, but Germans will probably love them.

I wish Kitt would have a sit down with David. The voice I know as Mr. Feeny's would calmly, rationally, and sort-of Britishly say to him "Now, David. I know you're not shitfaced and I don't have a Wendy's hamburger to convince you completely, but don't you think "Hoff Drops" is kind of...well...gross?"

Seriously, dude. Hoff Drops? Was that some sort of slang for whatever the hell you used to leave behind after West German concerts back in '87? Did people collect them and smuggle them to East Germany? Could they cure livestock diseases nd infant maladies and serve as religious relics when pieces of the True Cross weren't available? While you're at it, think you could market their stuff on bottles of Purell and maybe Plan B boxes?

And once more, just because it's so creepy....

Live Stroooooohhhhhh

Lance Armstrong fall down and go boom. As if winning 7 Tour de Frances and banging Cheryl Crow were not enough, Armstrong is back on the bike competing with people half of his age trying to recapture something. Today, he fell of his bike and broke his collar bone while competing in Spain. While some speculate the crash was due to him listing to the left because of lack of ball weight on that side, witnesses said they heard Armstrong yelling at competitors just before the crash that “You kids and your fancy speed cycles better slow down!” Outside the hospital after being treated and released Armstrong waived to reporters and yelled “Get off my lawn!”

Hey Aqualung or.....

Only pussies apologize. That was the alternate title for this post. So a lot of people are upset that Michael Phelps was smoking a little weed. Yes, that is very unusual activity for a 23 year old with no job. Some of his sponsors are even dropping him including Kellogs. Who do they think is easting all of that cereal? So Michael apologized for his behavior. I don’t think he should have.

Someone else who has felt compelled to throw out a bunch of mea culpas is Christian Bale. He had a bad day at work and yelled at someone. Big deal right? Who hasn’t yelled at someone who didn’t truly deserve. Sure, listening to the rant has been a loot of fun, but that could have been any one of us. He just happened to be taped. Besides, what is point of spending all of your life training 12 hours a day or committing so much to your work that you drop to 100 pounds for role if not take advantage of the fame. And why would anyone want to be famous if they can’t become self-indulgent? Sure, some actors are committed to just the craft, but most simply want to be famous. Now Phelps and Bale feel the need to apologize for typical human behavior.

It’s strange that those who really do not need to apologize are quick to offer up an apology and those who need to be the most sorry are often unrepentant. You know who needs to apologize? The media needs to apologize not only for making too big deal out of these situations, but also for foisting octomom Nadya Suleman on us. Who cares? If someone crazy bitch wants to treat her vagina like a clown car then so be it. Don’t waste my time on it.

So with all that being said, I present to you Christian Bale vs. Bill O’Reilly.

Let's Sing About Date Rape

You can write a song about anything, right? Ben Taylor agrees with me. He is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon and is an up and coming singer/songwriter, of course. He has a song that is playing a lot on Sirus XM's Coffee House channel called Wicked Way. From what I can summize, it's a song about date rape. This isn't the first song to get air play about date rape. In the 90's Sublime had a song called Date Rape. The difference between that song and Taylor's is that the Sublime song was anti-date rape. I'm sure being raised by two iconic music stars of the 70's can mess anyone up, but you judge for yourself and tell me what this song is about.

The Jungle Idiots

Dear Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz,

WHAT THE FUCK.

Although I don't claim to understand the motivation behind naming your child Bronx Mowgli Wentz and I have no background in child psychology or behavior, I belief I can safely predict that your firstborn son is going to get the crap kicked out of him. Repeatedly. Even if he doesn't have retarded hair or guyliner.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. You fuckers.

Sincerely,

IRYG

Less Than Fabulous

Brad's right. What were we thinking when we voted for a president that might actually, I don't know, do a few things right for a change? We of imrubberyourglue have been sort of adrift amid the usual piss and vinegar of the Internet. Do you miss the good old fashioned rants of early to mid-2008? Me too, yo. It's a good thing Mickey Rourke is still alive.

Mickey Rourke has recently fallen into the Old Reliable of modern day celebrity cliches -- he apologized for calling someone a name. Apparently, some gossip columnist (everyone else seems to think it's Perez Hilton) speculated that Mickey was dating Evan Rachel Wood, also known as Marilyn Manson's ex-girlfriend, also known as -- ha! -- the Welfare Version of Dita Von Teese.

Mickey took offense to being linked with an attractive young lady with potential, got drunk, and said the following to the paparazzi: "C'mon, get a grip. And tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs."

And, of course, people got pissy. And, of course of course, Mickey Rourke apologized. In typical written-by-a-publicity-intern fashion, the statement read "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone."

Bitch, please.

I'm not advocating that anyone in the public eye should be able to gay bash their way straight to DVD. I don't think the word "faggot" should be used to describe an unsavory character, nor am I one of those religious fascists having chaste, missionary-only celebrations for the passing of the allegedly family-values-destroying Prop 8.

But I also think that the celebrity apology has gone too far. Mickey Rourke called some guy a faggot. Big fucking deal. We're not talking about Barney the Dinosaur here, we're talking about Mickey Rourke. Barfly. Cocaine. Short-lived pro boxing career. Terrifying plastic surgery. Possible Evan Rachel Wood boinking. Mickey. Fucking. Rourke. Seriously, what do people expect of the man? I'd be disappointed if he never said anything offensive about anyone.

I mean, really. Expecting Mickey Rourke to be nice is like expecting Gary Busey to be sane. It’s totally unrealistic and you’ll always be disappointed. And, if you’re like me and my fellow IRYG contributors, you’ll be irritated beyond reason that a Hollywood fuckup is forced to apologize for whatever bonehead thing everyone knew he was going to say, anyway.

So stop apologizing, Mickey Rourkes of the world. Be a drunk. Be an idiot. Be weird and creepy and brush that pubey beard to your heart’s content. Say dumb things if you’d like, but don’t for a second fool yourself into believing people expect more of you.

People Magazine Headline From Today

I always think of People Magazine as the antithesis of what we do at ImRubberYoueGlue (or maybe I should say the perfect fodder). It's constant coverage or trite issues and celebrities who take themselves way to seriously. Here is today's gem:

Yes, exactly like poetry. Very closeted gay poetry.

And In Other News, R Kelly Announces He Is Black

*Insert Douchenozzle Here*

According to PerezHilton.com, Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment because of dog shit. No, I'm not talking about his act, I'm talking about actual shit deposited by his dog that he refuses to clean up. I assumed his paychecks from Pretending Jessica Simpson Is An Actress (oh sorry, I meant Employee of the Month) and the Frat Guys Love Hearing Me Make Screeching Noises Tour (oh sorry, I meant whatever the fuck his tour was called) were fat enough for him to just buy a place in the Hollywood Hills, but Dane doesn't want to move and is fighting the eviction.

Why?

Inspiration.

Apparently, Steve Martin and John Belushi once lived in the apartment complex currently housing Dane Cook, and forcing him to move out would cause "mental and emotional damage" that will rob him of the creative inspiration he draws from their "presence" and therefore ruin his career. He is "extremely frightened" that he "can really easily run out of ideas and stories" if he is forced to leave, because he has "seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

(All quotes according to court documents filed by Dane's lawyers.)

I'm hearing two sounds inside my head at the moment -- one is Belushi having seizures in his grave and the other is Steve Martin vomiting.

Dane Cook doesn't seem like the most humble guy on earth, but I find it simultaneously hilarious and sickening that he would consider John Belushi and Steve Martin to be his creative muses. Consider yourself a fan if you must, Dane, but don't for a second claim that their bygone presence in your apartment complex actually inspires your act. That's blasphemous to good comedy and insults two truly great comics by implying that all they did was write punchlines including some act of violence "in your face." I'm sure that's funny if you've had one too many keg stand-induced bloodrushes to the head, but outside of the frathouse, it's less amusing.

By the way, Dane, I hope Belushi's ghost comes to your front porch and lights a paper bag o' dog shit on fire. Bad neighborship is a bitch, huh?

Take a Big Fat Whiff

If my employment choices hadn't led me into property management/bars/marketing and if I knew anything about molecular structure, I would like to have worked as a perfumer. I enjoy smelling nice. I like pretty packaging. But so, apparently, does every celebrity on earth.

First it was Elizabeth Taylor. Maybe other famous people got in on the fragrance industry before her, but she slutted White Diamonds up like nobody's business and ensured an income for herself after being Michael Jackson's friend proved unproftable. Skip ahead a decade or two and we have a market glutted with the "creations" of Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Antonio Banderas. Jeez, even Jessica Simpson gets included if you consider edible candy lube a perfume.

I could be wrong, but it strikes me as doubtful that Britney knows much about chemistry. With this in mind, it must be pretty easy to become a perfumer. Because I'm in a charitable mood, below are a few helpful suggestions for celebrities who don't yet have perfumes on the market.

Tara Reid's Boozarella (or, failing that, I Went to Ibiza and All I Got Was this Itchy Vagina)

top notes: failure, stale margarita mix.
undertones: nicotine, Herpecin A ointment, pineapple-scented air freshener from Dollar General.
packaging suggestion: brown paper bag knotted at top end with actual hair from Tara's head pulled out during latest girl-on-girl chickenfighting incident in Cancun-area Motel 6 pool.

***

Sarah Palin's Vetted

top notes: gunpowder, grizzly bear musk
undertones: baby wipes, crude oil
packaging suggestion: American flag. Duh.

***

Barbara Walters' Eau de Eau-ld Bitch by Babwa

top notes: prunes, frosted lipstick
undertones: trees, mothballs, Hugh Downs
packaging suggestion: box undecided, but includes pair of crotchless panties

***

Samantha Ronson's Firemouth

top notes: Red Bull, clitoris.
undertones: ambiguity, cocaine, and more clitoris
packaging suggestion: pinstripe-and-faded denim box with huge pink orchid attached.

***

Rush Limbaugh's Elite

top notes: leather upholstery, McRib
undertones: white bread, Oxycontin, racism
suggested packaging: righteousness-infused cigar paper

***

Rachael Ray's Smell-o!

top notes: EVOO, stifling cheer, sandwiches
undertones: market saturation, incredible amount of anti-depressives and mood stabilizers
suggested packaging: miniature casserole dish of mediocre quality

***

Amy Winehouse's Deathwatch

top notes: scorched baking soda, Jack Daniel's, impending doom
undertones: whatever "this bitch is gonna die" smells like
suggested packaging: glass vial wrapped in dirty baggie

***

David Duchovny's Hey Hot Stuff

top notes: shame, latex
undertones: stripper dust, Lubriderm, Axe body spray
suggested packaging: clear plastic wrapped in brown paper

***

Kanye West Does Not Care About Photographic Equipment!

Rap's biggest baby was arrested this morning for vandalism and battery after he broke camera equipment of paparazzi at LAX. Just add this to he rant at last year's MTV awards and him calling out GWB at the Katrina Relief telethon. I'm sure there is more to add to this list but really, who cares about Kanye West? Not George W. Bush and certainly not me. In fact, I don;t even know why I bothered to make this post. I apologize for wating your time.

RNC Confetti

Finally - Something That Makes Sense