A Real Douche Bag Move

See the photo below? What you are witnessing is a real douche bag move.


No, I am not calling George H. W. Bush a douche, but the guy who took this picture of the former president and sold it to the media is a DB of the highest order. Let me explain: Seems the Bush’s were having party for Barbara’s birthday and they invited some of the cast from A Chorus Line to their beach house, so it would be appropriate that people would be clothed in swim wear, right? And if you meet someone famous like a former president you might want to get your picture taken with him, right? So far so good.

There is a code between men. You don’t rat another man out when it comes to has activity with women, especially when the woman is question is not your wife or girlfriend. What happens in the strip club stays there. Same happens when you are at party in your own home and something like this goes on. He’s an old man and entitled to have a hot chick on his lap if he wants. I am no fan of the former president but I do know what releasing this photo is a violation of the man code

Mrs. Brown, Suddenly I Wish To Leave Your Island

As if the world needed another racist bitch, Betty Brown, a (surprise!) Republican representative from (surprise surprise!) Texas thinks that Asian-Americans should change their names so that Americans can "deal with" them better.

While speaking at a voter identification hearing, Rep. Brown said, "Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese -- I understand it's a rather difficult language -- do you think it would behoove you and your citizens to adopt a name that we could more readily deal with here?"

She also said, "Can't you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that's easier for Americans to deal with?"

Oh no she didn't.

Although I'm tempted to applaud her for using "behoove" because it always makes me smile, it should be noted that Rep. Brown made her statement to Ramey Ko, representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans. That's Chinese Americans, meaning people who live in and are citizens of America yet happen to be Chinese in heritage. This is apparently not enough for Rep. Brown, because only people with last names like Smith, Jones, Brown, etc. are worthy of living in uh-MARE-kuh and also the great state o' Texas.

Rep. Brown has also so far refused to apologize for her remarks, instead delegating her spokesperson to blame the Democrats. Oh, shit, I forgot to put "surprise!" in parentheses that time. Anyway, instead of owning up to her supremely ignorant and racist point of view, Rep. Brown's spokesperson claims that her statement was only meant to illustrate that Asian-Americans frequently receive incorrect IDs and that the Democrats "want this to just be about race."

Right. That's it. It's just about race. It has nothing to do with yet another Texas Republican trying to eradicate someone's cultural identity. It has nothing to do with attempting to strip someone of their name, ethnicity, and constant struggle to be seen as an American citizen with the right to vote. Lastly, it has absolutely nothing to do with the millions of white Americans whose family names were changed once upon a time upon arriving to America. You may think "Brown" is as American as can be, but you just might be a "Von Braunschfel" without knowing it. Isn't it awesome not knowing where you came from?

So thanks, Rep. Brown. Thanks for continuing to fuck up your political party, your state, and white people by proxy. Because unlike how you evidently view Asians, thankfully, we are not all the same.

(photo courtesy of Junichi)

Fool Me Once, You're Still a Bitch

As if anyone needed more proof than Ann Coulter is a racist bitch with no sense of humor, she totally bought into Car & Driver magazine's April Fools Day prank about President Obama banning GM and Chrysler's participation in NASCAR due to rednecks watching cars make left turns for three hours being an "unnecessary expenditure" in these troubled economic times.

(NASCAR description mine, not C&D's.)

Wrote Eva Braun Ann on her blog regarding the news she was fully convinced was accurate (true to form, without further research or anything else approximating real knowledge), "If Obama can tell GM and Chrysler that their participation in NASCAR is an "unnecessary expenditure," isn't having public schools force students to perform Muslim rituals and plan jihads also an unnecessary expenditure?"

Uh. Wait, what?

Obvious prank notwithstanding, what in the world is Ann Coulter thinking? (Obvious questions, sorry.) Since when has Obama (or any other U.S. President, for that matter) ever had the public school system force students into performing Muslim rituals and planning jihads? Or is she just one of the 20% of evangelical Christians who still believes that President Obama is a radical Muslim (thus making up a large portion of the 11% of all Americans total) despite loads of information to the contrary?

I would ask if she is ignoring the (successful) steps the Bush administration took to have public schools force students to perform Christian rituals and plan curriculums based around teaching Creationism, but I already know the answer to that and asking would simply make the universe implode.

Happy April Fools Day, you cunt.

Here's An Idea For Democrats

PAY YOUR F&CKIN' TAXES!

Holy crap, does no one within the D.C. beltway pay the proper income tax? Utterly ridiculous. And for the ultimate in irony, please enjoy this commercial from Tom Daschle's 1986 senatorial campaign.

W is The Batman

Say what you want about W. The man has some awesome reflexes.



Maybe we are all in the Matrix and he is Neo! Bush is The one.

Nucular Fail

This is just...I mean, I can't even...Jesus, Sarah Palin. What the fuck?



Next time you do some nasally interview about the Presidential turkey pardon, could you, I don't know, umm, try not to do it at a turkey slaughterhouse while a turkey is being killed behind you? PLEASE?

Not Even As Much Respect as Linsey's Side Boob

The True Candidate of Hope: John McCain

Yes, I have completely changed my mind on who is the true candidate who represents hope. It's not Barack Obama. Far from it. It is the McCain/Palin ticket. I am completely enamored with their optimistic view of life and how you can associate almost any seemingly meager accomplsihment with greatness. Fer instance:

-McCain served on the Commerce Committee and therefore invented the Blackberry.

-Sarah Palin lives close to Russia and is therefore an international relations expert.

That's awesome. It's like assylogism on steroids and it works for me. All I have to do is look around my little part of the world and start beefing up my resume.

-I live right behind a firehouse so therefore I am a fireman.

-I also live close to the airport so therefore I am a pilot.

-I work for a Christian publishing firm so therefore I am Jesus.

Wow! This is pretty fun. I can't wait to post my new resume on Monster. I am sure there are lots of companies who need a firefighing aviator diety on their team.

Don't miss out on the fun. Leave some of your "accomplishments" in the comments.

Sad Yet True

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is the only place to get investigative journalism today.

Something is a Little Fishy

First, I need to correct an error. In an earlier post I said McCain veep candidate Sara Palin was a Mormon. In fact I think I said she was a lactating Mormon. Well, she is not. She is Assembly of God, women famous for wearing denim dresses. You can't blame me for believing she is a Latter Day Saint with having 5 kids.

Anyway, I also learned that she believes in teaching abstinence only. Every study done has shown that these programs are much less effective than giving kids all of the options when it comes to sex ed. She only has to look as far as her oldest daughter to see this is a poor idea. If she cannot teach it in her own home then how can you expect it to work in every school in America?

Oldy McCain also said that he was well aware that her 17-year old daughter had a hockey puck in her goal when he picked her. In fact, he said he knew a week before the announcement. This turned out to be a surprise to Palin's own press secretary who found out like the rest of us did - by hearing on network news.

Hold On a Second!

I spoke to soon (see previous post)

Bush Criticizes Congress’s Vacation After He Takes Time Off

We're gonna need a lot more gas in Air Force One.

Condescending Rice

Check this out. Our Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice actually said today that Russia has really damaged its reputation in the eyes of the World Community by invading a foreign country. When she flies in Air Force 1 they must have to put extra fuel in the tanks to be able to get her and her balls off the ground. How’s that for the pot calling the kettle black? (no racist pun intended). Here is a woman who was part of a conspiracy to lie to us about weapons of mass destruction and Iraqi links to Al-Qaeda so we could invade a foreign country. The only thing worse I could imagine someone saying is that they waited until their wife’s cancer was in remission before they started banging other chicks. Oh, wait…..

Sort of Like Acting

This is how bad a candidate John McCain is – he actually has me liking Paris Hilton now. Just in case you do live under a rock (or have been doing a little time) McCain came out with a commercial saying that Barack Obama is a great celebrity, but not a leader. While this voice over is going on there are images of Britney and Paris on the screen, the implication being Obama is just fluff. Of course Obama did not like the comparison but surprisingly, Paris would take the mocking lying down (presumably with her knees pinned behind her ears) hit back with a video of her own mocking “the old white-haired dude.” It’s actually a funny video and you can check it out here.

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

McCains ad, and Hilton’s too, just reminds us that he is an out of touch old man. Look, when my dad was his age we wouldn’t let him work the TV remote much less run anything. The truly sad thing is that her energy policy sounds good! I realize that she did not write that. She was just reading those funny squiggly lines on the cue card. The acting was actually good. I mean she actually convincing and made me laugh. You can only imagine how long it took to film that clip. The over under is 100 takes so place your bet.

Paris’ parents are also listed as donors to McCain’s campaign. If my daughter were made fun of in a campaign I gave money to I would ask for money back even if my daughter is a dirty celebuwhore.

A Sphincter Says What?

I noticed there has been little on I’m Rubber Your Glue lately. Part of the reason for that is I have not read any news, watched any TV, and done very little web surfing over the past week. Therefore I have not heard about any stupid celebrities and any stupider politicians. I am aware that Jamie Lynn Spears had a kid, so did Matthew McConaughey (I understand he even wore a short in the delivery room). And I am just going to assume that John McCain has changed his position on Iraq, FISA Warrants, and the economy several times. I also took some time off work so I also have not encountered any stupid people either. Until today.

I was back at work and it was one of the girl’s birthdays, a nice person who is one of the few people at work I actually like. As she was leaving one person wished her happy birthday and one of the three things you should never say ever. Unless you are a douchebag and fully committed to your douchebaggery. You have heard them all before but bear with me while I list them here (feel free to cringe).

1. Is it hot/cold/wet enough for you? I know you are trying simply trying to be nice, make conversation, and are not intelligent enough to think up anything original to say. I get it.

2. When you’re done washing the car/mowing the lawn you can do mine next. Oh, you are quite the comedian! I bet you write for Carrot Top or worse yet, Dane Cook. Maybe you actually think you are a Jedi and you are attempting to use the mind trick?

3. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. That’s the one I heard today that inspired this whole thing. You are an asshole so I am probably not going to do anything you would do so that only leaves me with doing things you wouldn’t do.

I know sometimes even for us non-douchebags it can be hard to resist saying these things, especially when dealing with the truly douchebagged, but these words should never pass the lips of anyone wanting to live in decent society. While you ponder this, I thought I would leave you with what may be the greatest cartoon I have ever read.

Hey man, you can't smoke that in here!

Completely lacking irony, the powers that be in the Netherlands have decided to make it illegal to smoke tobacco in restaurants, bars, and clubs. This includes the "coffee shops" where it will still be legal to buy and smoke all the pot you want. So you can whip out a bong and smoke up all you want but if you light up a Marlboro you're gonna have to step outside. It's nice to see the it's not just our government who does mindblowingly stupid crap. You can read all about it here.

Excellent Tactic, Mr. President

According to 23/6, The White House Is Rubber, Everyone Else is Glue. Brilliant title aside and with a little help from the New York Times, here is what they say....

The EPA recently completed a report concluding that greenhouse gases are pollutants that must be controlled. Rather than being forced to respond to the findings with new regulation, The White House ducked any obligation with an ingenious tactic. They refused to open the e-mail that contained the report. The email remains unopened....if you don't read it, it cannot be.

This piece of news provoked the same reaction in me that underage girls do when I'm bartending and ask for their IDs. If the card isn't from out of state and features someone of another race (good idea, girls), whatever prostitot has come into the bar and asked for our "cocktail list" pretends like she left her ID at home. Most will go as far as to dump their entire purse on the bar*, as if sparkly lip gloss and Hello Kitty stickers on their packs of birth control pills don't betray their age.

*I should mention that I'm talking about a dive smaller than my living room. I'm also lazy and resentful of anyone who can't drink like a man, so the only "cocktails" I make contain two ingredients, tops.

But I digress. What I meant to say was that denying an e-mail's existence by refusing to open it is the same as teenage girls pretending to have misplaced their IDs. Bitches, please. I was pulling that kind of shit when I was twelve and it didn't work then.

It's almost as if the Bush administration is working in reverse. Instead of the typical life-of-crime progression that most of us experience beginning in adolescence, the Bush administration went straight for murder, larceny, etc. right out of the gate. We should have known that once Bush was in the sundowner phase of his presidency and appearing at elementary schools, he'd have picked up a plan from Little Timmy Boogerpicker.