The Dark Douche

Los Angeles (E! Online) - Heath Ledger might get an Oscar nod for his agent of chaos in The Dark Knight.

Spencer Taylor might get five to seven.
The 20-year-old Michigan weirdo was busted for trying to swipe Batman posters and stand-ups from the lobby of a movie theater, all while in his homemade Joker getup.
The freaky fanboy was rung up on charges of larceny, malicious destruction of property and a bad mascara job.

Los Angeles (E! Online) - Heath Ledger might get an Oscar nod for his agent of chaos in The Dark Knight.

Spencer Taylor might get five to seven.

The 20-year-old Michigan weirdo was busted for trying to swipe Batman posters and stand-ups from the lobby of a movie theater, all while in his homemade Joker getup. The freaky fanboy was rung up on charges of larceny, malicious destruction of property and a bad mascara job.

Things That Are Obvious to Some of Us

I've really been meaning to post something here for the last couple of weeks. I've even had a couple of decent ideas, just no time. But after reading this 'breaking news story' I could not put it off any longer, even if this is the equivalent of shooting fish in a barrel...

Amy Winehouse, wait for it people, has been hospitalized for an 'allergic reaction to medication'. Seriously? I hope her publicist is getting a healthy bump in pay for keeping a straight face while continuing to report this shite and coming up with 101 ways to say 'overdose'. A finer journalistic talent, the world has never known.

Where was this so called 'spokesperson' when Amy was being quoted as saying she wants to have 5 children (and with that prize of husband, Blake)? Yes, of course you do dear, and someday I'm going to grow up and have kittens. With all the money she's made for Universal Records, surely there's someone on the payroll responsible for editing/managing/wrangling her. The only thing I can figure is that some number cruncher worked out the cost/benefit on this project and determined Amy pays out better dead.

But what about her parents? They're always handy with a terribly insightful comment like Amy has early stage emphysema. or Don't buy Amy's albums, that will force her to get help!, or my personal favorite, Wow, look at this neato wax figure of what our kid used to look like. Really, Mom & Pop Winehouse, how far does it have to go? Are you right this instant basking in rosy thoughts of spoiling those aforementioned, bee-hived, crack-addicted grandbabies?

How about this people (and I'm talking to you Mom & Pop) - take a cue from Britney's camp. They may not have done much right (Hello, Lynn? Yeah, can we just drop that parenting book already?) but at least they finally intervened. Let's be honest, she weighs like, 18 pounds, I don't care if she does say no, no, no - tie the bitch down and haul her off to Rehab already.

Some Days It's Just Too Easy: Follow-up

For some reason the post on the fish pedicures has stuck with me. I keep thinking about it and wanting to know who really would do this? Today I got my answer. Check out these ladies.
I wasn't sure if I was looking at a spa or a new treatment at the New England Patriot's training camp.

New Marketing Trend in Hollywood

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With The Dark Knight being the fastest movie to ever reach $200 million at the box office, I am afraid that it will start a new trend in movie marketing – killing off a major star. The sad truth is that some douchebag Hollywood producers have already had this discussion while doing coke in the bathroom at Beso. You couldn’t just kill of any cast member, it has to be someone of some stature. For example, killing off Clint Howard is not going to get nearly the attention of killing someone like Casey Affleck. It can’t be a major star either. Bumping off Clooney or Pitt will hurt you in the long run so it has to be someone just on the verge of major stardom.

Mickey Loves Emo

From time to time, I'm reminded that I'm getting old. I'm not saying that I am old, I'm saying that I'm getting old. At the deliciously seasoned age of 26, I've realized that popular music is no longer designed to appeal to me. This week's Billboard Top 10 singles chart reveals that I've heard only 8 of the most popular songs at this very second, and I haven't even heard them in their entirety.

I can't listen to contemporary radio anymore (yeah, I went to broadcasting school, so?) without feeling like I want to claw my eardrums right out of my head. It should be an equation. The more brain cells one has = the likelier one is to be averse to multiple utterances of "yo." It's not just the songs, either. It's the people promoting them and the people liking them and everything else about the sickeningly superficial industry of getting people to buy more stuff as opposed to inspiring people to create it.

I'm no snob; I can still rock out to 80's hair metal like nobody's business. Really. I have the perfect length of hair. But from age 13 on, it was apparent to me that the lyrics weren't supposed to be taken seriously. No one should look to "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" as poetry. It would be fine if everyone else followed suit, but business isn't about being truthful about anything. It's about money and, sadly, groups like the Jonas Brothers are who make it.

Who the fuck are the Jonas Brothers?

If you'd have asked me two weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to give much of an answer besides "um, some brothers?" Now, though, largely thanks to watching E! on hungover Sunday afternoons, I can tell you that the Jonas Brothers are - well, obviously - brothers who play music. They must have cruelly driven parents, too, considering one is clearly positioned to be "the cute one" while the other two sport jewfros and confused facial expressions. The Jonas Brothers tour with Miley Cyrus and and appear on the Disney Channel. Oh, and the cover of Rolling Stone.

Goddammit.

I only scanned the article, but it's titled "God! Girls! Guitars!" and that's lame enough for me. The music wasn't any better when cracked out dudes with mascara were trashing hotel rooms, but no one took those guys seriously. And that was awesome. If you're from Jersey and want to prance around onstage in leather pants before banging a groupie with track marks who lets you borrow her hairspray, rock the fuck on.

But if you're from Jersey and want to start a band with your brothers to croon about holding hands and whatever else you care about when you're neutered and 16, don't expect me to take you seriously. Or better yet, just go to Britain. Those limeys have been eating up shitty music for as long as they've had bad teeth.

Which is forever.

I know this could incite the comment spat that the Hanson brothers once inspired, but stadium rock just aint cute in a cardigan, kids.

Somedays It's Just Too Easy

It’s crap like this why we created ImRubberYourGlue. There are woman who are spending their hard-earned money on “fish pedicures.” Just so, you are not confused, they are not getting pedicures for their goldfish, rather they are sticking their feet in a bowl with fish in it and these fish supposedly eat the dead skin. Amazingly, this story does not come from Los Angeles or Florida, but from the D.C. suburbs in Virginia. Lobbyists wives are paying up to $50 for the treatment. You really don’t need to follow the link and read the story. Trust me; I didn’t make this crap up. I have pretty vivid imagination but I doubt I could have found the right mix of chemicals to put in my body to dream up this one.

The story goes on to say that after they are done with having fish chomp on their feet, the women then go on to have a traditional pedicure. WTF? So what is the point of the fish you ask? Well, according to the genius (I am not being sarcastic. This is genius) that came up with this scheme, it makes the pedi easier by making the skin softer. Logic tells me it has more to do with soaking your feet in water for ½ hour than the fish, but you couldn’t charge for that. The genius also says that the other reason for the fish is that it is more sanitary than traditional tools like scrapers. I call BS on this as well. Where do you think all of the dead skin these fish eat all day goes? Right back into the very same water these women are sticking their feet in!

While this is just another step leading to the collapse of our society, it’s not something to get worked up over. I kind of look at this like George Carlin looked at women with anorexia – “Somehow I can’t feel sorry for anorexics. Some rich broad doesn’t want to eat? Fuck her. Don’t eat. I don’t give a shit.”

Smokin' Cartoons

Ahhhh, those were the days.