Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Sort of a first for ImRubberYourGlue – a weekly column. Fact is that everyone who contributes to this site is a slacker so it may prove way too difficult to keep up a weekly column. In fact, this may very well be the one and only column of Internet Douche Bag of the Week. Let’s meet our debut DB.

Stever Robbins, aka The Get-It-Done Guy, is a blogger/podcaster who focuses on how to “work less and do more.” While it would be easy to start out with his name, that’s not the only reason he gets to be the IDB of the week. I read a lot of blogs and listen to many different podcasts, one of which is Stever. Ideas on how to get more done certainly appeal to me. So I have been listening to his weekly podcast and started following him on Twitter. I learned he is taking all of his tips and putting them into a book to help you accomplish more. Today, this was his tweet:

“Twitter & blog on hold till book done. New job (full-time; career change) has swamped me. Haven't yet figured out how to finish book.”

So the Get-It-Done Guy is too busy to complete his book about how to accomplish more in your life? You discovered that when you did not have a full-time job that you could do a lot of different stuff, but now that you are back in the corporate world it IS hard to do many different things. Congrats Stever Robbins. You just killed your brand, but you can still tell everyone you were the first Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Hmmm. You Decide

I Don't Have to Ask, I Already Know

Another biblically-mandated Lord's day, another religious compound raided. This time around, a compound in Arkansas was raided as part of a kiddie porn investigation. Also this time around, instead of your average run-of-the-mill fundamentalist wacko, the ministry's founder claims that "consent is puberty." This might be shocking to some, but remember -- we're talking about Arkansas. I don't claim to be an expert in the ways of Arkansans, but "if it's old enough to bleed, it's old enough to breed" is a fairly well-known piece of relationship advice in the south.

I'm not surprised that certain people aim to retreat from a world they feel doesn't agree with them, and, depressingly, I'm also not surprised that some people are able to manipulate others by threatening God's wrath. What does surprise me, however, are people like Anthony Justin Lane, a 34-year-old former member of the Arkansas church who claims he was kicked out for asking too many questions.

Hmm, okay. I'll buy that. I was raised Catholic, remember, and I have firsthand knowledge of the way religious authorities react to questions they can't answer. Anthony Justin Lane - 1. Tony Alamo Christian Ministries - 0. Unfortunately for Anthony Justin Lane, his then-girlfriend and their children remained in the church, and aside from a few pictures over the years, he hasn't been allowed to see the kids. Sad. Unfair. Weird.

Not weird because Anthony Justin Lane was kicked out and denied regular access to his children by a cult leader now being investigated for kiddie porn, but weird because he didn't see it fit to ever challenge this mandate because, he says, "I keep laying it in the Lord's hands and hope He'll have mercy on my children and protect them."

Um, Anthony Justin Lane, I'm really sorry that you've been separated from your kids, and I know this must be a trying time for you, but are you fucking retarded? Is it not enough that you Christians ignore science and reason? Must you continue to make piss poor decisions about your children's welfare based on a belief that, let's be honest, hasn't gotten you very far by this point? It's not about the Lord, you idiot, it's about lawyers and custody and your kids not being molested in the name of religion.

Christ.

And I'm aware of how that sounds.

The True Candidate of Hope: John McCain

Yes, I have completely changed my mind on who is the true candidate who represents hope. It's not Barack Obama. Far from it. It is the McCain/Palin ticket. I am completely enamored with their optimistic view of life and how you can associate almost any seemingly meager accomplsihment with greatness. Fer instance:

-McCain served on the Commerce Committee and therefore invented the Blackberry.

-Sarah Palin lives close to Russia and is therefore an international relations expert.

That's awesome. It's like assylogism on steroids and it works for me. All I have to do is look around my little part of the world and start beefing up my resume.

-I live right behind a firehouse so therefore I am a fireman.

-I also live close to the airport so therefore I am a pilot.

-I work for a Christian publishing firm so therefore I am Jesus.

Wow! This is pretty fun. I can't wait to post my new resume on Monster. I am sure there are lots of companies who need a firefighing aviator diety on their team.

Don't miss out on the fun. Leave some of your "accomplishments" in the comments.

So Many Things You Can Do For Boobies

Breast cancer has the best marketing of any disease, hands-down. If all diseases had the marketing power of the breast cancer then Jerry Lewis would spend his Labor Day making BBQ in the back yard like the rest of us. Every where I go I see products branded with the the little pink ribbon. Here is a quick tally of the things I can remember of the top of my head:

Get a scarf and accessorize for boobies

Grab the Better Homes and Gardens cook book and bake for boobies

Get the pink iPod cover and jam out to Tool for boobies

Get the Passionately Pink mouse pad and surf porn for boobies

Get the new Garth Brooks album and play it while pretending to bang Trisha Yearwood for boobies.

And the latest option I just noticed after we got home from Sam's Club yestrday. Yes, you can now wipe your ass for boobies.

He Might Be But..

After this he will deny it.

Take a Big Fat Whiff

If my employment choices hadn't led me into property management/bars/marketing and if I knew anything about molecular structure, I would like to have worked as a perfumer. I enjoy smelling nice. I like pretty packaging. But so, apparently, does every celebrity on earth.

First it was Elizabeth Taylor. Maybe other famous people got in on the fragrance industry before her, but she slutted White Diamonds up like nobody's business and ensured an income for herself after being Michael Jackson's friend proved unproftable. Skip ahead a decade or two and we have a market glutted with the "creations" of Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Antonio Banderas. Jeez, even Jessica Simpson gets included if you consider edible candy lube a perfume.

I could be wrong, but it strikes me as doubtful that Britney knows much about chemistry. With this in mind, it must be pretty easy to become a perfumer. Because I'm in a charitable mood, below are a few helpful suggestions for celebrities who don't yet have perfumes on the market.

Tara Reid's Boozarella (or, failing that, I Went to Ibiza and All I Got Was this Itchy Vagina)

top notes: failure, stale margarita mix.
undertones: nicotine, Herpecin A ointment, pineapple-scented air freshener from Dollar General.
packaging suggestion: brown paper bag knotted at top end with actual hair from Tara's head pulled out during latest girl-on-girl chickenfighting incident in Cancun-area Motel 6 pool.

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Sarah Palin's Vetted

top notes: gunpowder, grizzly bear musk
undertones: baby wipes, crude oil
packaging suggestion: American flag. Duh.

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Barbara Walters' Eau de Eau-ld Bitch by Babwa

top notes: prunes, frosted lipstick
undertones: trees, mothballs, Hugh Downs
packaging suggestion: box undecided, but includes pair of crotchless panties

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Samantha Ronson's Firemouth

top notes: Red Bull, clitoris.
undertones: ambiguity, cocaine, and more clitoris
packaging suggestion: pinstripe-and-faded denim box with huge pink orchid attached.

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Rush Limbaugh's Elite

top notes: leather upholstery, McRib
undertones: white bread, Oxycontin, racism
suggested packaging: righteousness-infused cigar paper

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Rachael Ray's Smell-o!

top notes: EVOO, stifling cheer, sandwiches
undertones: market saturation, incredible amount of anti-depressives and mood stabilizers
suggested packaging: miniature casserole dish of mediocre quality

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Amy Winehouse's Deathwatch

top notes: scorched baking soda, Jack Daniel's, impending doom
undertones: whatever "this bitch is gonna die" smells like
suggested packaging: glass vial wrapped in dirty baggie

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David Duchovny's Hey Hot Stuff

top notes: shame, latex
undertones: stripper dust, Lubriderm, Axe body spray
suggested packaging: clear plastic wrapped in brown paper

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