Candidate #3

I realize that this for purely personal reasons, but I'd like to nominate James Howard Kuntsler (and I could not possibly make that last name up) for the next IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week.

James Howard Kuntsler is the owner/author of the Web site Eyesore of the Month. In addition to being remarkably active on his homepage and in the world of -- ahem -- literature, Mr. Kuntsler possesses an ethnic cleansing-like sense of what appears to right and wrong in his world (suburban New York). And by "appears to be," I mean just that. If he doesn't like the way it looks, it surely came from the devil.

For example, August's Eyesore of the Month, a tattoo shops in Saratoga Springs. As a person who has spent more than a few hours working, waiting, and, well, getting tattooed in tattoo shops, I feel confident in calling True Tattoo Studio quaint. I would even go so far as to call it cute. It's clean. It's in the suburbs. There are no bars in the windows. Judging by its appearance, it seems to be an absolutely respectable business in what Mr. Kuntsler admits is a sufficient business district.

Gentrify all you want, it's none of my business. I don't even live there. I'm also perfectly happy with my own tattoo shop, a historical gem located at a gritty intersection in the middle of the second most dangerous city in the U.S. What pisses me off is that Mr. Kuntsler's problem isn't that a likely profitable business exists on his own personal Main Street, but that the kind of people who go there just shouldn't be around...

The activity taking place here, however, is a symptom of the growing barbarism in American life. Tattooing has traditionally been a marginal activity among civilized people, the calling card of cannibals, sailors, and whores. The appropriate place for it is on the margins, in the back alleys, the skid rows. The mainstreaming of tattoos (on main street) is a harbinger of social dysfunction.

...Because, you know, keeping tattoo shops in seedy back alleys will do wonders for ensuring that the tattoo industry is safe and regulated. And because an art form that predates Christianity is clearly too declasse to survive in today's society. And because since I'm not a cannibal, sailor, or whore (although I suppose that would depend on which ex-boyfriend you ask), I must be a barbarian.

And most importantly, because any whiny suburban dick knows that tattoos and tattooing begin and end with shitty prison-style teardrops on the faces of people who are most definitely not from their neighborhood. Nothing like this, of course:

So, Mr. Kuntsler, this tattooed barbarian nominates you for the Internet Douchebag of the Week.

Candidate #2

We go international for this one.

Candidate for IDB of the Week

Many locale TV reporters could easily win this award. This one is short and sweet.

Coming Soon - ImRubberYourGlue TV?

A logical brand extension for ImRubberYourGlue would be ImRubberYourGlue TV. I realize that we haven’t even put our first podcast in the can, but you might as well dream big. We already have a bunch of show ideas. Since we have no money for R & D, consider yourselves our test market and let us pitch some ideas to you. Here we go:

How Much Do You Love Me?

A reality show that tests how far a family member is willing to go for you. For example, you give your grandma a package to hold on to for you. Then the “police” show up and tell he they suspect you of dealing drugs. Will granny rat you out or will she show just how much she loves you.






The Crackhouse

Another reality show that takes place entirely in a crackhouse. That’s it. We just place hidden cameras every where and let crackheads be crackheads. It will be more entertaining than The Hills and the characters will not be as devoid of souls. Just for fun we stage fake raids or turn loose pitbulls.






Of course we are going to need some sponsors to make this financially feasible. Since the IRYG team pretty much just hangs out in bars we will start there. The commercials will need to fit the programming. Tell me if these would ads would make you want to visit our sponsors

#1 – A scene with two gay guys just full on making out. The camera stays on them for an uncomfortably long time and then fades to black. An announcer comes on and says “When you’re done being gay, check out The Stable.”

#2 That song from Sesame Street is playing “One of these things is not like the other….” And you are shown a series of pictures:

Finally all photos come together and shows you this:


Graphics on the screen – Find Out Why He is Different at The Rotten Apple

There are plenty more ideas for shows. This is just to whet your appetite. Leave your comments and let us know which show you would most like to see.

And In Other News, R Kelly Announces He Is Black

Not Even As Much Respect as Linsey's Side Boob

*Insert Douchenozzle Here*

According to PerezHilton.com, Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment because of dog shit. No, I'm not talking about his act, I'm talking about actual shit deposited by his dog that he refuses to clean up. I assumed his paychecks from Pretending Jessica Simpson Is An Actress (oh sorry, I meant Employee of the Month) and the Frat Guys Love Hearing Me Make Screeching Noises Tour (oh sorry, I meant whatever the fuck his tour was called) were fat enough for him to just buy a place in the Hollywood Hills, but Dane doesn't want to move and is fighting the eviction.

Why?

Inspiration.

Apparently, Steve Martin and John Belushi once lived in the apartment complex currently housing Dane Cook, and forcing him to move out would cause "mental and emotional damage" that will rob him of the creative inspiration he draws from their "presence" and therefore ruin his career. He is "extremely frightened" that he "can really easily run out of ideas and stories" if he is forced to leave, because he has "seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

(All quotes according to court documents filed by Dane's lawyers.)

I'm hearing two sounds inside my head at the moment -- one is Belushi having seizures in his grave and the other is Steve Martin vomiting.

Dane Cook doesn't seem like the most humble guy on earth, but I find it simultaneously hilarious and sickening that he would consider John Belushi and Steve Martin to be his creative muses. Consider yourself a fan if you must, Dane, but don't for a second claim that their bygone presence in your apartment complex actually inspires your act. That's blasphemous to good comedy and insults two truly great comics by implying that all they did was write punchlines including some act of violence "in your face." I'm sure that's funny if you've had one too many keg stand-induced bloodrushes to the head, but outside of the frathouse, it's less amusing.

By the way, Dane, I hope Belushi's ghost comes to your front porch and lights a paper bag o' dog shit on fire. Bad neighborship is a bitch, huh?