Orphanages R' Us

By now, everyone and their only-a-few-kids-tops-making mother has heard about Nadya Suleyman and her octuplets. The ridiculous results of overzealous IVF frequently make the news, not to mention corporate sponsorships and endless jokes about having a litter.

The Octo-Mom (term courtesy of Perez Hilton and I am stealing it) is no different. When the story first broke, she became kind of a saint for the pro-life cause. Of course a normal woman would learn about 8 babies living inside her and freak out. It would be perfectly normal for her to terminate one or two or seven of them. But Nadya Suleyman is not normal. Shit, she's not even sane. She also shouldn't be considered a representative for anyone other than the kinds of people who hoard dozens of cats in their minivans.

A few days after Nadya gave birth to her eight newest children, it was revealed that the 33-year-old has six other children already. SIX. ALL of whom were also conceived via IVF. "All I wanted was children," she told Ann Curry this morning. Bitch, you had children! Listen, I went to Catholic school, okay? My parents weren't totally into reproducing, but there were a couple of families who didn't believe in birth control. The largest family in the parish had seven children, which, though not typical, was still acceptable. All those kids were a couple of years apart. All those kids were conceived the old fashioned way. All those kids didn't belong to a woman who is single, lives with her parents in a 2-bedroom house, and declared bankruptcy last year.

I may not be up on my financial terminology, but I always thought bankruptcy meant no money. Like, not enough money to pay for IVF, an extremely costly and painful procedure that most heartbroken women turn to as a second-to-last resort before considering adoption.

Right?

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Nadya Suleyman really does just love babies as she claims. Maybe she really will give all 14 kids the best upbringing ever. Maybe she's not a wackjob whose mission in life is to collect as many human beings as possible and -- you know it's true -- collect government assistance for at least half of those little bastards.

Maybe she's not trying to steal Angelina Jolie's baby crazy thunder, though the below image certainly suggests otherwise. All I know is that if I were Zahara Jolie-Pitt, I'd put down the Montessori toys and start whittling a shiv out of Maddox's toothbrush.

Far be it from me to disparage someone else's reproductive rights, but in this age of celebrity worship and terrible choices involving reality television, doesn't Nadya Suleyman's decision to have eight children at a time with six previous children being herded about by the grandparents seem a little odd to you? As if the blessing of eight screaming, shitting, money-sucking machines wasn't enough, Nadya hired not one, but two publicists to field her interview requests and, it's presumed, assistance *cough* sponsorship *cough* opportunities.

Which is why it's heartening to know that the standard baby-loving corporations Procter & Gamble and Gerber have stayed way the hell away from Nadya and her mess of a brain (not to mention cervix, ZING!). We may reward criminals and fame whores and all sorts of other weirdos in this country, but child hoarders are a different story.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 1

Strap in kids. This story is long and involved but the payoff is worth it. This is the true story of having our home burglarized, and how we caught the people who did it and got our stuff back. I have decided to break this story up into several smaller posts due to the length.

Just to give you some context, let me tell you about my and my wonderful wife Kathy’s (Kat for short) big Christmas vacation plans, which is when these events took place. Both Kat and I took two weeks off of work and had all sorts of plans to do things, which also included plenty of time to do nothing. On the first day of our “vacation,” Monday, Dec 22, we started off by watching movies. We were watching The Hulk when Kat said

“Hit mute. I hear something weird.” So I did and I heard it too. I got up and walked toward the source in the kitchen, and water trickling down from the ceiling in one spot. Then quickly another, then another, and another. Now water was coming from everywhere, including out of the light fixtures. It was obvious that a pipe burst in our attic so I had to shut off the water. The indoor shut off would not budge so I went to the main in the front yard. No luck there either. I needed to find my tools but by now I am panicking a bit and cannot think where they are. Finally, we did close the main shut off but by then the damage was done. There were several inches of water on the floor in every room in the house.

We got out the wet/dry vac and got all of the water sucked up. It looked like no real damage was done and none of our stuff was damaged. Kat had the presence of mind to grab all of our valuables, including portable electronics, and put them in the car. We were feeling pretty good that we mitigated the damage as much as possible when the ceiling collapsed, spreading drywall, more water, and wet insulation over EVERYTHING. Crap! We called the insurance company who sent over a company who came and cleaned up that mess and set up huge fans and dehumidifiers in an effort to dry everything out. That meant we could not stay in the house, so we went to a hotel and the dogs went to the kennel.

So late on December 22, we checked into Hilton near the airport (got a good rate off of Hotwire). Got up the next morning to meet the representative from the company doing the clean up to see how the drying was going. Turns out the damage was worse than initially thought and it was going to take several days to allow the equipment to run and determine what could be saved and what would need to be replaced. So we met again the next day, then the next, and on Friday it was determined that we would let it go the weekend and check again on Monday. Monday came, and while there was progress, it was not where they would like, so the next target was Wednesday. If there was not more improvement then more of the ceiling would have to come down.

Each day we had been coming and going from the house. Meeting the insurance people, doing laundry, meeting contractors, and such. There was one exception - Tuesday, December 30. Kat had to work that day and I had made plans to go geocaching with my friend Jeff. We did not go by the house at all that day. We had to meet the clean up company at 11:00 a.m. on New Year’s Eve (Wednesday). We arrived and the crew was right behind us. Keep in mind that the house is in total disarray. Nothing is where it should be and the furniture that was in the two most affected rooms, the kitchen and the dining room, was spread throughout the house, making each room cluttered. As we left the guys to work, Kat says “Where is your (stereo) receiver?” I looked around and could not find it. I also could not find my Sirius satellite radio receiver. Then we notice various drawers are open and things are more out of place than we left them. Kat went outside in the back and notices the cord for the blinds in our family room is hanging out of the closed window. As we toured around more we found a box of our checks thrown in the neighbor’s yard. Now we are certain someone was in the house. Since we were sure that the windows were locked, we assumed that one of the workers left the window unlocked and that he or some friend came back later. That made sense since no one knew we were not staying there and the dogs were in the kennel, except those people. Not to mention that most of those workers did not look like fine upstanding citizens.

To be continued…….

Here's An Idea For Democrats

PAY YOUR F&CKIN' TAXES!

Holy crap, does no one within the D.C. beltway pay the proper income tax? Utterly ridiculous. And for the ultimate in irony, please enjoy this commercial from Tom Daschle's 1986 senatorial campaign.

You Are On Notice!

Coming Soon - The unreal, but completely true, story of how I caught the scumbags that broke into my house and got all my stuff back.

And yes, I suck at Photoshop so piss off.

Never Under Estimate Americans

Please note that while all the movies that are nominated for Academy Awards (Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, The Reader,Milk, Benjamin Button) are currently playing at the the theaters, the top grossing movie is Paul Blart:Mall Cop. Never under estimate American's taste for crap. This also explains why Hell Hound Nancy Grace continues to have a television show. And you thought this was going to be a patriotic post?

SEX ED that works

As our population GROWS.

SemenLing normal folk continue to contribute to an overpopulation problem. Despite generations of CUM CATCHI'N DEVICES.

So, I have an idea that is summed up in a statement. "Take it on the face for your future".

Because, a Cum ON is better than a Cum IN.

It's Not Me Chrysler, It's You.

Bob Nardelli, the CEO of Chrysler recently posted a big ol' ad on the company's blog thanking us, the American taxpayers, for bailing them out. As you can see, the ad features hundreds of smiling and appreciative faces apparently representing the thankful employees of he company. A nice gesture from Chrysler, right? Apparently most people disagree. I have been reading all of the comments that have been posted and I have yet to come across on positive one. Some of them are just delightful and you can read them yourself here. In the meantime, here are some hightlights:

"Mr Nardelli, Fire your PR and advertising teams and execs immediately. We the People did not want to see any more ads and money wasted on ads, be it from Chrysler, et al, or from your own pocket."

"Hey Crysler! You're not welcome. You took my hard earned tax dollars without congressional approval. This is not the time for a "thank you." This would be a good time for a refund...and an apology."

"The very thought that MY money is going to go to some union lackey's pockets just makes me queasy."

" thanking Americans for stealing their money is NOT something to boast about on your website. The American public DID speak when we choose to NOT buy your cars."