Hey man, you can't smoke that in here!

Completely lacking irony, the powers that be in the Netherlands have decided to make it illegal to smoke tobacco in restaurants, bars, and clubs. This includes the "coffee shops" where it will still be legal to buy and smoke all the pot you want. So you can whip out a bong and smoke up all you want but if you light up a Marlboro you're gonna have to step outside. It's nice to see the it's not just our government who does mindblowingly stupid crap. You can read all about it here.

Excellent Tactic, Mr. President

According to 23/6, The White House Is Rubber, Everyone Else is Glue. Brilliant title aside and with a little help from the New York Times, here is what they say....

The EPA recently completed a report concluding that greenhouse gases are pollutants that must be controlled. Rather than being forced to respond to the findings with new regulation, The White House ducked any obligation with an ingenious tactic. They refused to open the e-mail that contained the report. The email remains unopened....if you don't read it, it cannot be.

This piece of news provoked the same reaction in me that underage girls do when I'm bartending and ask for their IDs. If the card isn't from out of state and features someone of another race (good idea, girls), whatever prostitot has come into the bar and asked for our "cocktail list" pretends like she left her ID at home. Most will go as far as to dump their entire purse on the bar*, as if sparkly lip gloss and Hello Kitty stickers on their packs of birth control pills don't betray their age.

*I should mention that I'm talking about a dive smaller than my living room. I'm also lazy and resentful of anyone who can't drink like a man, so the only "cocktails" I make contain two ingredients, tops.

But I digress. What I meant to say was that denying an e-mail's existence by refusing to open it is the same as teenage girls pretending to have misplaced their IDs. Bitches, please. I was pulling that kind of shit when I was twelve and it didn't work then.

It's almost as if the Bush administration is working in reverse. Instead of the typical life-of-crime progression that most of us experience beginning in adolescence, the Bush administration went straight for murder, larceny, etc. right out of the gate. We should have known that once Bush was in the sundowner phase of his presidency and appearing at elementary schools, he'd have picked up a plan from Little Timmy Boogerpicker.

Three Simple Truths You Need to Know

Spot the things that apply to you and keep them in mind as you go about your life.


1. No one cares that you are getting married/having a kid/had a kid/got engaged/bought a new house. All of the above are things that people seem to seek out special recognition for. While they may be important to you, the rest of us really don’t give a shit. More importantly they do not require that I even recognize the event, much less buy you a gift or take away time from my life to come celebrate the event with you. You want to get married, just go do it. Look, you are probably going to spend at least $25 per person on dinner at a reception. In exchange, I may get you a gift worth about $25. Cut out the bullshit, save the time and effort and go buy yourself a gift. Drop me an e-mail after the wedding. You can attach a picture if you want. Having a kid? That’s fine but I do not need to spend my money on a gift because your genitals function properly. Oh by the way, your kid is not as smart or as cute as you think. They all do whatever it is you will be bragging about, except the retards.

2. It’s not a party unless you supply the food and drink. I have been invited to too many parties where the invitation goes something like this – “Bring your own drinks and whatever you want to throw on the grill. You might want to a chair too.” When you throw a party it is up to you to provide a substantial part of the food and/or alcohol. If I have to bring every thing I need to your place to have a good time then why should I not stay at home? Besides, your other friends are assholes. Sure, it’s cool to ask friends to bring a side dish. You should always have enough class to not show up at someone’s house empty handed. The worst is when people tell you it’s a party but NO ALCOHOL. WTF? If you are inviting adults over but don’t want us to drink you are not having a party. You are having a meeting.

3. If you read Maxim of the SI Swimsuit Edition because of the hot chicks, you are a pussy. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is more porn than you could ever jerk off too in the Internet so have it at. At the very least step up to Playboy.

Praying to Joe Pesci

Another irreplaceable voice has been silenced. This time it is the legend that is George Carlin, who became the ultimate outsider and opened possibilities for comedians that never existed before. His love of language, intelligence, and never ending cynicism made you laugh and think. While over the last few years I felt that maybe he sounded a little bit too much like a bitter old man, I never failed to appreciate that he continued to work his ass off to create new comedy when many in his position would have rested on their laurels. I would have. Once you reach the status of legend it can only reduce your shimmer to continue, but something tells me that was not what it was about for him. I think was compelled to continue perform new material because of what he perceived going on in the world.

What I think is most amazing is that he could do it all; political, observational, silly, even physical. Most comics settle into a comfortable spot of one genre or another. I have always had what I consider to be the “Holy Trinity” of comedy – Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, and George Carlin. Now they can share the stage while monster douche Dane Cook enjoys perfect health. That’s why, at the suggestion of George, I am praying to Joe Pesci.

He Came To Help Us Out

I'm not the comic of the imrubberyourglue contributors, but I still wanted to share how I felt when I got online this morning and learned about George Carlin. I'm sure you can expect another one from Brad in the near future....

If you heard about George Carlin and didn't feel sad, you're a fucking idiot and I feel sorry for you. Yeah, just like anyone who hasn't seen Evil Dead 2 yet.

I may have issues with the way my parents raised me, but I also know how lucky I am that their vinyl collection was cool. It was filled with stuff like The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Johnny Cash, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, and, obviously since this is about him, George Carlin.

Listening to and understanding George Carlin's records when I was young gave me a different perspective on funny. (This must be why I have such a good-natured sense of humor. Hmmmm.) Of course I laughed at his jokes, but I also liked that he bad-mouthed politics, religion, authority, and all the other stupid stuff I was supposed to accept without question. George Carlin wasn't just some pissed off malcontent. He was a language connoisseur. He was brave instead of simply brash. He was funny, unique, sharp, silly, and just a brilliant, brilliant comic.

I'm no crier, but news of George Carlin's death made me just a little bit misty, just a little bit tight in the throat. Kind of like I felt when Kurt Vonnegut died. With their passings, it felt like part of the team, two guys who shared my point of view -- that humanity had all this potential and look what we did, so what can you do? -- don't have a voice anymore. Sure, they might be more quotable now that they're dead, but what else are they going to contribute?

Dammit.

Mine's No Where Near That Big

This picture is awesome. It's a sign being erected (no pun intended) for Will Smith's new movie Hancock.

For the record, one of the contributors to this site, Jesse "Idea" Jones, came up with an idea for a cartoon that is remarkably similar to the idea of this movie, only much darker (again, no pun intended).

The Man With One Name

I was watching regular TV last night, which is unusual because I usually Tivo everything and watch it later, skipping through the commercials. I love Tivo. I had on The Soup, the only thing worth watching on E!, and a commercial for Target comes on featuring Rogan. So I am thinking who or what the fuck is Rogan? The only Rogan I know is Joe Rogan, the hilarious comic and former host of Fear Factor (if you get the chance, check out a rerun of Fear Factor and look at his eyes. Joe has admitted he only did the show for the money and was high during every episode).

So I am able to gleam from the commercial that Rogan is some sort of fashion designer famous enough to go by only one name. I’ve never heard of him, not that I should have. In the commercial we learn that Rogan draws his inspiration from “the shapes and forms in nature.” I take that to mean he looks out the window and makes shit up. We further learn that because Rogan is so inspired by nature that he only uses 100% organic cotton. I’m sure that makes the 12 year old Chinese kids that work 16 hour days in the sweat shop where is clothes are actually made feel much better. An eco-friendly designer so concerned with his slave laborers that he does not want them to handle cotton tainted by pesticides or other chemicals certainly has me intrigued. I feel compelled to go to Target and see his textile masterpieces for myself. Sadly, they will only be available for a limited time.

I’m sure by now you are as intrigued by Rogan as I am. So I Googled him and found this picture of him with Bono.