Hey man, you can't smoke that in here!

Completely lacking irony, the powers that be in the Netherlands have decided to make it illegal to smoke tobacco in restaurants, bars, and clubs. This includes the "coffee shops" where it will still be legal to buy and smoke all the pot you want. So you can whip out a bong and smoke up all you want but if you light up a Marlboro you're gonna have to step outside. It's nice to see the it's not just our government who does mindblowingly stupid crap. You can read all about it here.

Excellent Tactic, Mr. President

According to 23/6, The White House Is Rubber, Everyone Else is Glue. Brilliant title aside and with a little help from the New York Times, here is what they say....

The EPA recently completed a report concluding that greenhouse gases are pollutants that must be controlled. Rather than being forced to respond to the findings with new regulation, The White House ducked any obligation with an ingenious tactic. They refused to open the e-mail that contained the report. The email remains unopened....if you don't read it, it cannot be.

This piece of news provoked the same reaction in me that underage girls do when I'm bartending and ask for their IDs. If the card isn't from out of state and features someone of another race (good idea, girls), whatever prostitot has come into the bar and asked for our "cocktail list" pretends like she left her ID at home. Most will go as far as to dump their entire purse on the bar*, as if sparkly lip gloss and Hello Kitty stickers on their packs of birth control pills don't betray their age.

*I should mention that I'm talking about a dive smaller than my living room. I'm also lazy and resentful of anyone who can't drink like a man, so the only "cocktails" I make contain two ingredients, tops.

But I digress. What I meant to say was that denying an e-mail's existence by refusing to open it is the same as teenage girls pretending to have misplaced their IDs. Bitches, please. I was pulling that kind of shit when I was twelve and it didn't work then.

It's almost as if the Bush administration is working in reverse. Instead of the typical life-of-crime progression that most of us experience beginning in adolescence, the Bush administration went straight for murder, larceny, etc. right out of the gate. We should have known that once Bush was in the sundowner phase of his presidency and appearing at elementary schools, he'd have picked up a plan from Little Timmy Boogerpicker.

Three Simple Truths You Need to Know

Spot the things that apply to you and keep them in mind as you go about your life.


1. No one cares that you are getting married/having a kid/had a kid/got engaged/bought a new house. All of the above are things that people seem to seek out special recognition for. While they may be important to you, the rest of us really don’t give a shit. More importantly they do not require that I even recognize the event, much less buy you a gift or take away time from my life to come celebrate the event with you. You want to get married, just go do it. Look, you are probably going to spend at least $25 per person on dinner at a reception. In exchange, I may get you a gift worth about $25. Cut out the bullshit, save the time and effort and go buy yourself a gift. Drop me an e-mail after the wedding. You can attach a picture if you want. Having a kid? That’s fine but I do not need to spend my money on a gift because your genitals function properly. Oh by the way, your kid is not as smart or as cute as you think. They all do whatever it is you will be bragging about, except the retards.

2. It’s not a party unless you supply the food and drink. I have been invited to too many parties where the invitation goes something like this – “Bring your own drinks and whatever you want to throw on the grill. You might want to a chair too.” When you throw a party it is up to you to provide a substantial part of the food and/or alcohol. If I have to bring every thing I need to your place to have a good time then why should I not stay at home? Besides, your other friends are assholes. Sure, it’s cool to ask friends to bring a side dish. You should always have enough class to not show up at someone’s house empty handed. The worst is when people tell you it’s a party but NO ALCOHOL. WTF? If you are inviting adults over but don’t want us to drink you are not having a party. You are having a meeting.

3. If you read Maxim of the SI Swimsuit Edition because of the hot chicks, you are a pussy. I don’t think I really need to explain this one. There is more porn than you could ever jerk off too in the Internet so have it at. At the very least step up to Playboy.

Praying to Joe Pesci

Another irreplaceable voice has been silenced. This time it is the legend that is George Carlin, who became the ultimate outsider and opened possibilities for comedians that never existed before. His love of language, intelligence, and never ending cynicism made you laugh and think. While over the last few years I felt that maybe he sounded a little bit too much like a bitter old man, I never failed to appreciate that he continued to work his ass off to create new comedy when many in his position would have rested on their laurels. I would have. Once you reach the status of legend it can only reduce your shimmer to continue, but something tells me that was not what it was about for him. I think was compelled to continue perform new material because of what he perceived going on in the world.

What I think is most amazing is that he could do it all; political, observational, silly, even physical. Most comics settle into a comfortable spot of one genre or another. I have always had what I consider to be the “Holy Trinity” of comedy – Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks, and George Carlin. Now they can share the stage while monster douche Dane Cook enjoys perfect health. That’s why, at the suggestion of George, I am praying to Joe Pesci.

He Came To Help Us Out

I'm not the comic of the imrubberyourglue contributors, but I still wanted to share how I felt when I got online this morning and learned about George Carlin. I'm sure you can expect another one from Brad in the near future....

If you heard about George Carlin and didn't feel sad, you're a fucking idiot and I feel sorry for you. Yeah, just like anyone who hasn't seen Evil Dead 2 yet.

I may have issues with the way my parents raised me, but I also know how lucky I am that their vinyl collection was cool. It was filled with stuff like The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Johnny Cash, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, and, obviously since this is about him, George Carlin.

Listening to and understanding George Carlin's records when I was young gave me a different perspective on funny. (This must be why I have such a good-natured sense of humor. Hmmmm.) Of course I laughed at his jokes, but I also liked that he bad-mouthed politics, religion, authority, and all the other stupid stuff I was supposed to accept without question. George Carlin wasn't just some pissed off malcontent. He was a language connoisseur. He was brave instead of simply brash. He was funny, unique, sharp, silly, and just a brilliant, brilliant comic.

I'm no crier, but news of George Carlin's death made me just a little bit misty, just a little bit tight in the throat. Kind of like I felt when Kurt Vonnegut died. With their passings, it felt like part of the team, two guys who shared my point of view -- that humanity had all this potential and look what we did, so what can you do? -- don't have a voice anymore. Sure, they might be more quotable now that they're dead, but what else are they going to contribute?

Dammit.

Mine's No Where Near That Big

This picture is awesome. It's a sign being erected (no pun intended) for Will Smith's new movie Hancock.

For the record, one of the contributors to this site, Jesse "Idea" Jones, came up with an idea for a cartoon that is remarkably similar to the idea of this movie, only much darker (again, no pun intended).

The Man With One Name

I was watching regular TV last night, which is unusual because I usually Tivo everything and watch it later, skipping through the commercials. I love Tivo. I had on The Soup, the only thing worth watching on E!, and a commercial for Target comes on featuring Rogan. So I am thinking who or what the fuck is Rogan? The only Rogan I know is Joe Rogan, the hilarious comic and former host of Fear Factor (if you get the chance, check out a rerun of Fear Factor and look at his eyes. Joe has admitted he only did the show for the money and was high during every episode).

So I am able to gleam from the commercial that Rogan is some sort of fashion designer famous enough to go by only one name. I’ve never heard of him, not that I should have. In the commercial we learn that Rogan draws his inspiration from “the shapes and forms in nature.” I take that to mean he looks out the window and makes shit up. We further learn that because Rogan is so inspired by nature that he only uses 100% organic cotton. I’m sure that makes the 12 year old Chinese kids that work 16 hour days in the sweat shop where is clothes are actually made feel much better. An eco-friendly designer so concerned with his slave laborers that he does not want them to handle cotton tainted by pesticides or other chemicals certainly has me intrigued. I feel compelled to go to Target and see his textile masterpieces for myself. Sadly, they will only be available for a limited time.

I’m sure by now you are as intrigued by Rogan as I am. So I Googled him and found this picture of him with Bono.

oh for god's sake

Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to judge (because "imrubberyourglue" is so correct), but if this is how the spawn of a super athlete-turned-Kardashian punctuates at a public event where photos are commonly taken, I'm pretty glad that his "bro's" would come before me....

From Today's Headlines

1. I Blame Juno

Teen girls made pact to get pregnant

2. The Real Travesty is a 52-Year-Old Woman is Wearing a Thong

Woman sues Victoria's Secret claiming thong injury

3. I Guess They Did Not Have Enough Faith in Jesus

Teenager from faith-healing family dies in Oregon

Where For Art Thou Tom Sizemore?

This year marks the 15th anniversary of one of the greatest films of my generation – True Romance. Penned by Quentin Tarantino, the film has everything you want in a movie experience, summed up nicely by the film’s tagline - Stealing, Cheating, Killing. Who said romance is dead? If you have not seen this movie you may not be qualified to read this web site, so do yourself a favor and get the DVD. Check out this cast:

Christian Slater
Patricia Arquette
Gary Oldman
Dennis Hopper
Val Kilmer (as Elvis)
Christopher Walken
Michael Rapaport
Brad Pitt
Samuel Jackson
Bronson Pinchot
And Tom Sizemore

Maxim magazine had an excellent article on how the movie was initially a box office failure but its release on VHS and DVD made it the classic must-see film it is today. At the time, the movie was very controversial for its violence and language, in particular the scene with Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken. (In case you do not recall there is liberal use of the “N” word by two white guys.)

So now you may be saying “I thought this site was about making fun of people and you are writing a puff piece on a movie?” Hang on, Jack. In the interview, Tom Sizemore actually implies that merely by acting in both True Romance and Natural Born Killers, he was arrested because both movies were so controversial. If memory serves right he was arrested for being on probation for drug charges and showing up at a scheduled drug test with a fake penis filled with someone else’s urine. If Tom Sizemore should be arrested for being in any movie it should be Pearl Harbor for associating with someone pretending to be and actor- Ben Affleck.

Why Is *Insert Name Here* Still Famous?

* There is a number of people in Hollywood who should never have become famous in the first place, but with a certain amount of money, connections, and loose morals, they’ve defied the odds and gotten...well, even more of those things. Also in Hollywood is a number of people that might have been famous for legitimate reasons at some point yet have ceased to be relevant at all and, somehow, are still famous for reasons I can’t understand.

Here is the Top Ten List of People Who Shouldn’t Be Famous Anymore....

1. Paris Hilton – I’m no publicist, but doesn’t someone have to do something, I don’t know, at all order to remain famous? Again, I'm not an expert, but doesn't showing your vag a few times only last a few months?

2. Britney Spears – The saying about watching train wrecks applies to only the best parts. The howling whistle, the screeching rails, the satisfyingly terrifying crunch of the collision....but let’s be real, people. Train wrecks stop being entertaining when passengers are crawling all bloody over the tracks and screaming because their faces are covered in fire. It would be even worse if those passengers had ruined their careers before getting all maimed. Britney.

3. Jessica Simpson – Her musical stylings aren’t necessarily my cup of tea, but she’s not untalented. Still, what has she done for us lately? Dated a football player? So did Nicole Brown Simpson, and even she’s not famous anymore.

4. Tom Cruise – Crazy don’t win Oscars, yo.

4. Mario Lopez – I’d feel sorry for Mario Lopez were it not for the most likely true rumors of him hooking up with every stripper and Hooters waitress that side of the Continental Divide. But when your career trajectory travels the route of Saved by the Bell, Pert Star, Dancing With the Stars, and some MTV show about teenage dance crews, I have to wonder why half-naked photos of you are still used as stock footage by TMZ.

5. Tori Spelling – The only thing Tori Spelling should be famous for at this point is having a horseface and the worst boob job in Hollywood. I’m also pissed at anyone who procreates as a career move.

6. Bret Easton Ellis – Because I do read books, you know. Seriously, dude, even Jay McInerney realized that everyone had to grow up sometime.

7. Lindsay Lohan – You’re a career fuckup by the age of 20 and you don’t even have E.T. on your resume. No one will insure you to work on future movies. Solution? Become a probably fake lesbian with a junkie/laptop DJ “partner.” Yessssssss.

8. Avril Lavigne – I wouldn’t think she was still famous were it not for gossip shows (only watched on hungover Sundays, give me a break) and the constant mention of her as a “punk rock princess.” Oh for god’s sake. Let’s let her go in a real basement punk club with PBR vomit and spent needles all over the floor and see how she comes out. Her schedule should be wide open, because it’s not like anyone is buying her tickets.

9. Ashton Kutcher – As Ashton is probably well aware, marrying Demi Moore was the biggest career move possible for a guy whose most intricate scripts involved butt and weed jokes. And really, I’ve got no problem with that. Get on with your pretty self.

10. Coldplay – Maybe I slept through the reason why Coldplay is featured in the new iPod ad. Oh, that’s right, I did. Because I heard “Yellow.”

*While the image above is certainly funny, Corey Haim isn’t included in this list. Because, um, he’s not famous. Not even a little.

Things We Can Learn From Usher's "Love In This Club" Video

First things first. I wouldn't have known about this video were it not for The Soup and Chelsea Lately, which, in case you've been wasting time with Keeping Up With the Kardashians or something, are the only two legitimate reasons to watch E!.

I suppose Usher's "Love In This Club" video is supposed to be an example of a true artist's burgeoning genius. Because no one remembers that video way back when with all the Clockwork Orange makeup. It's even more genius because all embedding has been disabled by request. Way to stick to The Man, Usher, and by "The Man" I mean the people who would wish to share your video for purposes of mockery.

Anyway, onto the Things We Can Learn From Usher's "Love In This Club" Video....

• Despite what everyone tells you, yes, you can meet your future husband/wife/longterm groupie in a bar. Clubs are basically bars for shiny people, right?

• Club sluts (especially the ones who are halfway passed out and appear to be up for a wallbanger from behind) need love, too.

• The best way to prove your affections for said strumpet is a good old-fashioned dance off.

• Timing is everything. Dance for too long and the club slut o' your dreams could just disappear when you grab her by the back of the head and, presumably, lean in for what's sure to be a tender kiss.

• Finding love in a club is tricky. Club sluts disappear, strobe lights get in your eyes, and at the end of the night, the club gets burned down and everyone is dead.

GENIUS!

Another One Bites the Dust

One of the few talking heads in the media that I actually admired has left the planet. Tim Russert, NBC anchor and host of Meet the Press died today of an apparent heart attack. In an era of who can scream the loudest wins, Russert brought civility and thoughtfulness to his broadcast. While he never was afraid to ask the hard questions, he did it with dignity and intelligence. His voice of reason wil be missed in this election. What makes this sadder is that clown douchebag Chris Matthews lives.

Rage On, Keith!

Except for the odd lighting and camera shifting, this is great. Spells it all out

Your Scene Sucks

Who needs a scene? Raise your hands if you need a scene. Come on, raise them higher. That way I'll know who to kick in the face.

If you're still deciding whether or not you need a beatdown, try this.

I realize that by having tattoos and glasses and Chuck Taylors and weird hair sometimes, someone might think I'm trying to be part of a scene. Whatev. It takes too much energy to convince someone otherwise. Anyone who pigeonholes me as part of a scene wouldn't understand that these tattoos are 10 years in the making, the glasses make driving at night less of an adventure, the Chuck Taylors are eons old and, while falling part, are still worn because they're soft like socks, and that the weird hair is a unique amalgam of heredity and laziness.

And I most definitely don't shop at Hot Topic.

While this scene isn't included on the site, it's actually sort of awesome. The National Governing Body of Homeless Soccer is sending the St. Louis Homeless Soccer team to the national championships in D.C., and if the team wins that, they can travel to Australia to compete in the Homeless Soccer World Cup.

I thought it was sort of strange that they were being sent to Australia instead of being given places to live, but I suppose we all have different goals in life.

Get it? Goal? Ha. Gooooooooooaaaaaaal!

There is no IQ Test to Work for Rupert Murdoch

Seriously? Really?? Is my calendar wrong and it is April 1??? Fox News actually aired this????



That means someone wrote it, some one approved it, and someone said it. None of those people even though that maybe it was way out of line? Is everyone at Fox 60 years old and white? I will again let others speak about the outrage in a more eloquent way than I could. Here is Keith Olbermann with one of my favorites, Rachel Maddow. BTW, I have a huge crush on Rachel. I know that given a sufficient amount of time I could convert her.

Stop Marrying Charlie Sheen

Women of the world, stop marrying Charlie Sheen.


With the exception of Rock of Love 2 (evil Lacey = good TV), I'm not one to become engrossed in "celebreality" shows. I've little interest in pretty rich people pretending to be deep, troubled, or even interesting. Keeping this in mind, I've seen about an episode and a half of Denise Richards' new show, "It's Complicated." I'm not taking Denise Richards' side. I'm not saying I know all about the problems she had/is having with her ex-husband. However, I do feel absolutely qualified in asking the women of the world to stop marrying Charlie Sheen.

Here's why....

1. He's been divorced twice.

I'm no finger pointer when it comes to divorced people. I sort of am one. We all date people we wish we were dead; some of us take it a step further and legalize the whole mess. Whatever. So one divorce is fine. Two divorces, however, are not. Sure, they're willing to commit, but for how long? What sort of alimony are they paying to two different ex spouses? They're obviously on a first name basis with a divorce lawyer. Who the hell do you know (and please don't say it's your cousin Clem who almost got his paralegal degree in a strip mall)?

2. He's been divorced twice because he is (allegedly) a shitty person.

Like I said, everybody has the right to get divorced. I won't go into all the gruesome details of mine, but if I were famous and so was he, I'd probably be living comfortably on the profits from selling my story to US Weekly. Things are different for famous people like Charlie Sheen, who has (again, allegedly) beaten up his previous wives to the point of restraining orders. Learn from another dumb bitch's mistake, ladies. Black eyes 'aint pretty, especially when you're being photographed leaving court.

3. Drugs.

Drugs are kind of like divorce. Everyone's entitled to a little bit, but things turn ugly in excess. Aside from playing bongos in the nude (which probably helped his image, honestly), Matthew McConaughey hasn't had any adverse public side effects of getting really really really baked. Charlie Sheen, on the other hand, can only do so much coke before he starts to look like a caged rat. And, um, that's already happened. A husband should know the difference between cooking you dinner occasionally and cooking up smack with an old teaspoon while you're asleep in the other room.

4. Gambling.

I always wanted a husband who spends hours glued to his Mac, burning his retinas out with kiddie porn and online poker. At least his new wife will get the bed to herself.

5. Hookers.

My favorite thing about Charlie Sheen isn't that he's a drunk or has a sitcom with Ducky. I like the hookers. I like the idea of hookers, and that a guy with tons of money and sort-of good looks is paying not only for high-priced escorts but also for gutter trash with facial-area crackpipe burns. Everyone's got a past (remember that LAG phase in college, ladies?), but late-80s Sunset Strip STDs don't belong on a marriage certificate.

6. He's a douche.

And I'm not even speaking in "alleged" terms here. Denise Richards may be crazy, but what kind of dickhead tells a magazine that his first marriage was "for show" and his second marriage was "a con," especially when one of those sham marriages produced children and he's got another kid who's no doubt in therapy right now?

So please, women of the world, please stop marrying Charlie Sheen. I don't know how many future Mrs. Sheens are out there (I'm betting on at least 4, and it's entirely probable that Charlie Sheen himself will get in on the over-under), but if I can reach at least one of you with this, I'll consider myself to have served humanity.

And then I'll go mock someone else.

Fore-izzle

This is a brilliant idea and in no way a payoff to any rich white friends of the GOP. The Justice Department is giving $500,000 to the World Golf Foundation as an anti-crime measure. WTF, right? The program is called the First Tee program and is aimed at juveniles in inner cities, where golf courses abound!

I am certain that the program is for kids to learn and play golf on public courses, because the private clubs where the members of the World Golf Foundation do not allow minorities - unless it is to carry their bags or bus the tables. I think this will be a wonderful program and I look forward to seeing the crime in my neighborhood drop. I know there are other programs aimed at inner city kids that could not possibly be as effective as this one will certainly be. And I am not just saying that because George H. W. Bush is the chairperson for the First Tee program. I guess he needs someone to play golf with him since his son gave up golf out of respect for our troops serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Pork & Beans

One of the reasons we created ImRubberYourGlue.com is take make fun of people who take themselves way too seriously. Those people seem to run rampant on the web, particularly on YouTube. Rather than writing a long rant decrying their douchebaggery, I’ll let Weezer do the talking for me.

A Tale of Two Coreys

Here is what set me off today. I saw this headline on my Google homepage – Jodie Sweetin: From Meth Addict to New Mom. In case you do not recall Sweetin played the middle child, Stephanie, on Full House. I don’t have a problem with her or the show, what set me off is that I am tired of how we glorify those people who had some sort of addiction and then “recover” and go back to living a regular life. While usually that ride on the wagon is short, some people do turn it around for good. However, when they are held up as special examples it REALLY pisses me off. I’m sure that if I had to hang out with the Olsen twins on a set for 14 hours a day or even Dave Coulier I might want to stick a needle in my arm as well. Hell, it was Coulier that is rumored to be object of Alanis Morissette’s song “You Oughtta Know.” Obviously he is capable of driving people to the edge.

Here is the simple truth though – it is much tougher to get up each and every day, go to work, get your job done, come home and take care of your family and NEVER get addicted to anything than it is to get drunk or high and ignore responsibility. I have never missed been truly addicted to anything, though I have enjoyed a wide variety of things to which many people are addicted. I have never shirked a responsibility in lieu of satisfying my own selfish needs. So where are my honors and accolades? Believe me it would have been a lot easier to crawl off in bottle at many times in my life, especially when things were not going as I wished. I watched both of my parents linger and die yet I showed up to work and did my job then went home and took care of those responsibilities. I have always placed the needs of the people who depend on me as high as my own. (I’m not going to lie and say I placed others needs above mine because I am pretty much a narcissist, but hey – at least I am honest about it, right?)

So where is my book deal? When do I get to go on Oprah as the anti-James Frey? That may be a bad example because apparently he never did all the things that are in his book either. Truth is, some people should be on drugs. Drugs actually make some people better at what they do. Go listen to the last couple of Red Hot Chili Peppers albums then go and listen to Blood Sugar Sex Magic.

So what does this post have to do with Corey Haim and Corey Feldman? Nothing.

Allah and Yummo, Together At Last

I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm actually going to take Rachael Ray's side.

I may hate Rachael Ray and her food with the fire of a thousand suns, but do conservatives really think this scarf is some kind of covert mobilization signal to Muslim militants in the U.S.?

Seriously? "Hate couture?" I saw this on the Colbert Report but didn't think much of it until I saw the New York Times the next morning. Oh, Michelle Malkin, if only you had a sense of humor (and a functioning brain) and hated Rachael Ray for the reasons normal people do.

How is it possible that young women in this country are aligning themselves with idiots like Jerry Falwell? Remember when he accused a Teletubby of being gay because it was purple and had a triangle....er....headpiece? Accusing a perpetually smiling, doughnut-hawking cooking show host of igniting anti-American sentiment is just as ridiculous as outing a fictional creature on a kid's TV show. It may not jibe totally with my political beliefs, but some people just need to be smacked.

Conservative bloggers, take note -- there are bigger things going on in the world. War. Poverty. Genocide. Famine. Recession. You may view your local mall's Ann Taylor as the bastion of all that is right and godly in the world, but elsewhere, people have different priorities. It's a fucking scarf in a fucking doughnut commercial, you fucking morons.

The Coulterites must be stopped!

How About a Nice Giant Ball of Twine?

A group in Tampa, FL purchased land right near the intersection of two major highways, I-75 and I-4. You would think that would be a great place to put a gas station, maybe a motel, or a Waffle House, which apparently are required to be at every highway exit in the South. No, this is not a money making venture, they did it so they could fly what is believed to be largest Confederate flag in the world.

The Sons of Confederate Veteran’s, the group that bought the land and erected the pole and flag, also wants to build a monument to Confederate soldiers. I know a lot of people will get up in arms about the Stars and Bars flying anywhere. A lot of people feel it is a symbol of racism and even treason. You can judge for yourself by the statement on the group’s web site:

“It is our Duty as descendants of these brave Confederate Ancestors to restore their sacred banner, the Confederate Battle Flag, back to it's rightful place of honor!" It also includes a "Salute to the Confederate Flag" which reads, "I salute the Confederate Flag with affection, reverence and undying devotion to the Cause for which it stands."

What cause is that? It’s a losing cause in case that group failed to remember the outcome of the war. No matter how you feel about the Confederate flag, this group has the right to fly it regardless. This is where I should go into a diatribe about how great this country is and we all have the right to say and believe what we want, not matter how ignorant and misguided. However, I did a little more research on this flag and discovered that it had to be made in China because no factory in the U.S. was equipped to produce a flag this large. I guess the big-ass flag industry has left our country for cheap labor too. Oh, and it cost $80,000. Hopefully it is made from lead paint and the good ol’ boys who have to go out and raise it each morning will soon die of lead poisoning, which will likely get passed on to their sisters.