Crucifixion REDUX

As anyone who knows me will tell you, Ideajones is not a religious man. I just find religion the most interesting time tested mind control ever invented.

That shit works.

However I think its time the story of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ be remastered.

How I came to this conclusion, was after recently staying up late to watch a Double Feature of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST and HOSTEL.

HOSTEL for those of you who don't know is a movie about young people kidnapped abroad and sold into white slavery where they are torchered for money. I sat there awe inspired by the violence foisted on these people for someone else's jolly's and nothing more.

Then THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST came on. People wailing, dirty clothes, sweaty men in sandals and a bloody Semitic looking fellow being nailed to a crucifix. Pretty much CNN footage from anywhere in the middle east over the past 30 years. Needless to say I fell asleep.

That night, I had a nightmare of being tortured at the hands of a midget with the head of a Saint Bernard. Which leads me to believe I shouldn't watch horror movies before I go to bed, or mix whiskey and onion rings at 3 am. (I hope everyone gets the Mom and Dad Save the World reference)

So, the next morning that got me thinking. That shit they were doing to those kids in HOSTEL was ten times worse than anything that Jesus fellow seemed to go through for his followers.

Let's rewrite history. Well I wouldn't call a make believe story about a Zombie history, but play along if you will.

First Jesus is forced to drag that crucifix up to the top of the hill while being threatened by Mel Gibson for not giving him a blowjob. Then once crucified he is read the million page document that is Health Care Reform, by a chain smoker with halitosis ( I suppose Mel Gibson could fill that position too). Only to be brought down from the cross hours later and Sodomized to death by Roman Polanski, Whoopi Goldberg and the family from Aristocrats.

Now, I am well aware that the story of the crucifixion is important to a lot of people. So feel free to make any comments about how we could heighten the cruelty of this event. Know this though, I will not remove Mel Gibson or Roman Polanski from the party as I consider them the real lynch pins to the overall vibe of the event.

love,

-ideajones

always dissapointed

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR THE COSMOS.

Is a prayer from an atheist without value?

Is a prayer even for being answered?

Are prayers answered?

Just for kicks. Let's give it a whirl.

I have my eyes closed (Thank you Mrs. Shots my typing teacher). "DEAR GOD, PLEASE MAKE MY ............

Well, question answered, and I won't be staring in any pornos anytime soon.

women?!

I find it very interesting that the first time and every time since when I use my tongue on a woman it elicits the same response.

Good to know I still have skills.

love,

-ideajones

I need to tell you a secret

i do wonderful things when i'm drunk.

i don't remember them.

the next day i am told they were not wonderful.

MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN.

love,

-ideajones

Reconsidering Children

As someone who never really wanted children, expecting them to be spoiled, drooling, fun vacuums.

I must now change my tune.

That is as long as the people who own this little darling bastard are willing to part with him.

Come home with me little ideajones and we will take over the world.

love,

-ideajones

Cockula

For the past few days, I've been trying to get my friend Brennan to go as Count Chocula for Halloween (because they look alike) and my friend Chris to accompany him as Frankenberry (because he owns two purple shirts). But, as with many other things in my life that were good, pure, and mocking, porn has gone and ruined it.

Now I won't be able to think of Count Chocula without immediately flashing to the Count Cockula, which is apparently the must-have the sex toy for anyone who wants to get their dick bitten off.

Should Elton John Be Allowed to Adopt?

Lots of celebrities want to adopt kids from foreign countries. An adopted black babay is the must-have accessory in Hollywood right now. Between Madonna and Angelina Jolie
and all the media attention they got, celebs figure it's great PR. Now Even Elton John wants in on the action. There is some debate going on as to whether or not he should be allowed to adopt. Let me answer that question......

Simply put…HELL NO! And it is has nothing to do with his sexual preference at all. The reason he should not adopt is that he is 62 years old. There is no practical way he can keep up with a kid at that age. Look, my father was 46 when I was born. By the time I was old enough to where I would want my dad to play ball with me, he was on his first bypass surgery. We watched a lot of 60 Minutes together though. So if Sir Elton were allowed to adopt there could be a point where both he and his kid are wearing diapers and eating soft food. Plus how can the kid ever understand Halloween when your dad’s understated outfit is a Donald Duck suit.

17th and Growing (possibly NSFW)

According to (ahem) Manhunt Daily, Washington D.C. is the American state region with the biggest dicks. Anatomically speaking, I mean, not just in terms of personality. The results were tallied based on Manhunt members' (ha, members! uh...I'm really easy) profiles, which recently were updated with a penis size option.

So if we accept that a fair amount of LYING is going on, Missouri is either 17th on the list (says Manhunt) or anywhere between the 12th and 20th (based on my own dating history). Which is good to know, especially when you consider that those size-obsessed idiots in Texas may be bigger(15th), but all the Jersey douchebags out there are decidedly smaller (40th).

The President is Near

I truly cannot understand why people are upset that the President of the United States will be addressing students. I cannot think of a sole reason why the leader of our country should not. Sitting presidents have always reached out to the students of our country encouraging them to read, stay in school, keep off drugs, etc.. In fact, remember where George W. Bush was when the 9/11 attacks took place? At a school reading to kids.

It’s sad that there are enough people who are taking their queues from people like Glenn Beck, who is doing the best angry journalist act since Peter Finch in Network. There is no way Beck believes the crap he spews. I could go on all day about that but Chez at Deus ex Malcontent did it way better than I can. I’ll just say that Beck is a better actor than Edward Norton and Gary Oldman, times ten. When you say that the president is trying to indoctrinate the youth into his socialist agenda, it tells me you do not know what socialism truly is. I think I know the true motivation behind why people are upset about the President is speaking to kids. Just watch this:

They can't all be winners.

Not every endeavor is a successful one and today I would like to share with you one of my birds that never took flight, perhaps because it was ahead of its time, illegal, dangerous or downright offensive.

My Eureka event or as I like to call it "Peanut Butter & Jelly", was born out of my friends and I sitting around in college doing bong hits. The smoke from which I have never really enjoyed do to the harshness, but if my memory serves me and it tends not to for about a five year period there I did enjoy the after effect.

That day I realized that I would take two things dear to me and create a pathway to heaven.

Bong + Nitrous = Cool super smooth bong hit that makes you into a visionary. Or so I thought.

Well, I went down to my laboratory and fashioned something the kids call a Cracker (for opening small nitrous canisters or whippets) to the side of a plexi-glass bong with a little rubber cement, and we were in business.

Here came the challenge, with even my most burnt out of cohorts shuddering at the thought of mixing these two drugs together. As if GOD himself might smite them for figuring out the hidden secret to the universe.

Then Holly came to mind.

Holly had been a friend of mine and even a roommate for sometime. A tiny little goof ball of a druggy chick that would pretty much do whatever I asked, except sleep with me. Which by most accounts would be more dangerous than trying out one of my inventions? So with a little reassuring of its safety, she was in.

We set the mood with some Rev. Horton Heat, gathered around our favorite front porch coffee table and proceeded to find God. We even made plans to travel the world teaching others about our new religion.

Then we packed the bowl, lit the lighter, and cracked the nitrous.

Holly grinned from ear to ear as though she had seen the face of our creator, and inner peace washed over her, as she hit her face on the coffee table drooling.

Can somebody help me find a shovel?

love,

-ideajones

Gayest Headline Ever

ideajones IS WRITING AGAIN! Haha I'm just kidding (I'm not), that's not the headline (but it should be). Actually, it's this:


Wow. Just wow.

According to NBC Miami, Brian Dotort went to a gay bar called Georgie's Alibi (worst alibi ever) and took his chihuahua, Hudson Hayward Hemingway, with him. Because Hudson Hayward Hemingway was dressed in pretty pink clothing, some queen with a Britney Spears tattoo asked if he could could him. Brian said okay, turned around to look at some guy's package, and by the time he turned back to his dog and Mr. Spears, both had disappeared.

As a pet owner, I think this is a particularly sad story, but it's important to remember what my parents taught me back when I was young, trusting, and still hadn't realized that I lived in one of the most dangerous cities in America -- don't display anything that you don't want stolen. This edict is malleable, of course, because I have to display some things in order to get others. Example: at reputable establishments, money must be exchanged for booze.

The underlying point was that I should prepare for theft relative to the venue. If I bragged about my large stash of chewing tobacco at a Toby Keith concert, for example, I should not expect to retain ownership for very long. (NOTE: I would never use chewing tobacco or be seen at a Toby Keith concert.) Likewise, if I carried my punt-able, dressed-in-pastels dog into a South Florida gay bar, I would soon find myself dragging an empty leash along the beach and crying about how my special little friend isn't around to watch Golden Girls re-runs with me anymore.

I could always give ideajones a call, though.

Finding Perspective

For those of you who don't know, ideajones once wanted to be a body builder.

I don't know where it all started. I think it might have been trying to impress a young lady. One whom I soon replaced with my well oiled chest and bikini wax.

As time went on I thought that the bigger I got the sexier I looked.

Then one morning while doing a private pose off for myself I noticed something shocking. My "Package" was smaller. Immediately I became paranoid about all the chemicals I had been taking.

How could this be? I had read all the warning labels on the snake oils I had purchased at the local SELF-IMPROVEMENT WAREHOUSE. Not one of them mentioned a penis shrinking side affect.


How could this be self-improvement? My perfectly polished muscle car had a tiny hood ornament all of a sudden.

Well, at first I was just angry which turned to depressed and crying. By the way not a pretty picture (Super muscular man naked and crying with a tiny penis in one hand and a bottle of Bronzer in the other). Later however I did read on one of my supplements that I might have mood swings.

Once I calmed down and had a Raspberry, Banana, Kumquat, Apple, and Ginseng protein shake. I made my way over to the strip mall where I purchased my new physique to demand retribution.

My penis is Tiny! Was my battle cry as I burst through the front door, causing the two young ladies behind the counter to break into a flurry of TEE HEES and scurry into the storeroom.

"I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MANGER" I exclaimed.

Enter: A short muscular man wearing a sleeveless cutoff sweatshirt and spandex shorts.

'"Look here you Olivia Newton John reject, I have been taking your pills and powders for longer than I care to remember and now I can't find my member".

"Calm down sir, your scaring my customers" the man said.

Then he suggested we discuss this in the back, which of course I was OK with considering I had just told everyone in store I had a chicklet in my pants.

Now, I could go on and on about the dialogue between myself and this self-loather, but I don't want to bore.

What I can tell you is our conversation was a little embarrassing and involved a ruler and a minor discussion about the artistic properties of "Perspective".

So, after helping me realize that I had built a barn around a front door that was once the entrance to a 2nd story walk up. He directed me to a whole section of his store devoted to men with similar problems.

Needless to say I abandoned my barn, returned to my 2nd story walk up and never had to worry about "Perspective" again. I did however pick-up one of those penis enlargement pumps on my way out.

love,

-ideajones

Need to feel inadequate

So, I have not written anything in a while, and I owe you all an explanation. I've been jerking off every time I sit down at the computer (sorry public library computer lab users).

Anyway,

As a married man and a frequent customer of the local pharmacy, I often find myself wandering the medicinal stacks. Taking the opportunity to peruse the myriad of contraceptives and sexual aids. A world that I haven't inhabited in sometime, a world full of VD and a need for pina colada scented butt lube. This world has expanded by the way, whether it be your basic flavored condoms, lube that makes your private parts burn (On purpose really?) or for the really adventurous a condom that vibrates.

Being an inquisitive type, as I go to leave said isle I always check out how much dust has collected on the Magnum condom boxes, just to see if someone actually buys these. For those of you who don't know, these are for people with a birth defect.

Well, much to my chagrin there is actually now an even BIGGER CONDOM, The Magnum XL. Not only is there bigger dicks out there, they are actually enough of them that they have added a shift at the factory.

Now don't get me wrong. Who am I to begrudge another man his need for contraceptives or the fact that his mother was a heroin mule while pregnant with him. My problem is with the Manufacturer.

Manufacturer? You might ask.

We'll, I just would like to know why the Huge Penis brigade gets a condom named after a Clint Eastwood Movie. Like they need more self-esteem.

I have an Idea for Trojan since Clint Eastwood seems to be there muse.

How about a condom for guys who date whores " Any Which Way But Loose" OR condoms with extra lube meant for that extra input " Dirty Hairy". Maybe even a condom for that guy who has a girl whose vagina is like a prison "Escape from Alcatraz" for that bitch who just won't let go.

love,

-ideajones

Pass the Bong and Hit the Gas

Brooke Hogan released a new album the other day. I don't know when her first one came out, or if there were any between the first and this one. Doesn't matter. She's Brooke Hogan. All she needs to do is sit back, spend her father's money, and wait for the day drag queens start dressing up like her.

This may happen sooner than she thought, thanks to the airbrushed custom van design that is her new album cover. If she'd released that record anywhere between 1973 and 1986, the only reason people would have bought it would have been to give it to their older brother's friend "Poncho" or "Snake" or something to tape up on the side of their van and trace freehand. They would have paid him with some Mexican dirt weed and a bottle of Night Train. Possibly also some rolling papers. But only if they'd just gotten their check that day.

Seeing as though this is 2009, pretty much no one will buy it for any reason.

The Cock of the Walk

Canadian trivia master Alex Trebek turned 69 this week. Perhaps it was in anticipation of this innuendo-ish birthday that he had the accompanying shirtless publicity photo taken back when he still had, to quote fake Sean Connery, a "dago mustache."

Rolling For the Crave

A White Castle in St. Paul, Minnesota refused to serve a woman who rolled on up to their drive thru in a motorized scooter. Like any fast food restaurant concerned with safety, this particular White Castle restricts any business after 11pm to the drive thru window. Either that or they are scared of Gremlins. Also like most fast food restaurants, White Castle restricts their drive thru to licensed motor vehicles.

** This is true. Once in junior high, my friends and I got baked and tried to navigate a shopping cart through the drive thru of McDonald's. It wasn't as ambitious (and therefore contradictory to stoner behavior) as it seems; the shopping cart had been abandoned not 50 feet from the drive thru. And come to think of it, that McDonald's was basically next door to a White Castle. A bar was the only business between the two. **

Anyway, Ariel Wade motored over to her local White Castle for some after midnight eats and was "madder than fish grease" when she was turned away. She is now petitioning the Minnesota Disability Law Center for help in suing White Castle, but according to Justin Page, a staff attorney, this is an "unsettled" area of law.

I would argue that the signs clearly posted in the White Castle drive thru advising that only licensed motor vehicles will be served would have been the giveaway (and don't give me any of that I couldn't see them bullshit, I see those things even when I'm drunk and not wearing my glasses). I would also argue that Ariel Wade is quite large*, and although she claims to use the scooter due to "degenerative arthritis in her back," she may be one of those "I'm really fucking lazy and eat fast food in the middle of the night" people.

Possibly she developed the arthritis while working as "a onetime exotic dancer in New Orleans who until recently worked selling bingo tickets at a St. Paul bar." That's from the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, okay, not me.

It certainly doesn't help my opinion of her when she takes a stand by stating, "You can try to butter me up all you want to. Free meals aint going to work."

And when the reporter shut off the recorder, she said, "Mmmmmm, butter."


*Ariel Wade not pictured. That is a much smaller woman riding her Hoveround on a unicorn.

The Bitch Who Won't Eat Ham

I've called out Gwyneth Paltrow before. I've ranted about her asinine GOOP newsletter, her diet, and most of all, the giant stick up her ass. But Gwyneth doesn't know me and I'm not famous, so since then I've been waiting around for someone better to say the same thing.

Anthony Bourdain, you remain one of my heroes.

(And not just because Brad describes me as "Like Anthony Bourdain with a great rack.")

On the topic of Spain...On the Road Again, the travel/food show she's on with Bourdain's friend Mario Batali, Bourdain said "Why would you go to Spain with the one bitch who refuses to eat ham?"

According to Perez Hilton, Gwyneth's macrobiotic diet forbids her from eating meat and she has claimed that she will not eat meat during the show. Which is about food. In Spain. Where one of their proudest culinary traditions is curing pork.

Why would Gwyneth be there at all? She's allegedly friends with Mario Batali, but I can't imagine her eating or drinking anything worthwhile at all, let alone any of the delicious, fatty, creative, decidedly un-blessed-by-a-Kabbalah-leader stuff in Spain and be fun enough to be a travel companion. I mean, she'd be great to take with you to a colonic spa, but Spain? Mario, wtf?

A Real Douche Bag Move

See the photo below? What you are witnessing is a real douche bag move.


No, I am not calling George H. W. Bush a douche, but the guy who took this picture of the former president and sold it to the media is a DB of the highest order. Let me explain: Seems the Bush’s were having party for Barbara’s birthday and they invited some of the cast from A Chorus Line to their beach house, so it would be appropriate that people would be clothed in swim wear, right? And if you meet someone famous like a former president you might want to get your picture taken with him, right? So far so good.

There is a code between men. You don’t rat another man out when it comes to has activity with women, especially when the woman is question is not your wife or girlfriend. What happens in the strip club stays there. Same happens when you are at party in your own home and something like this goes on. He’s an old man and entitled to have a hot chick on his lap if he wants. I am no fan of the former president but I do know what releasing this photo is a violation of the man code

It Killed Bill

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Love Me Tenga

Damn those wily Japanese. They win at everything. Automotives. Dance Dance Revolution. Eating hot dogs. And now masturbation.

The photo you see up top is of Masanobu Sato, the winner of the 2009 Masturbate-A-Thon held in San Francisco this past weekend. Masanobu jacked it for over 9 hours to win the title and apparently had the help of a device called a Tenga. Although I have a Good Vibes profile, I've never seen or purchased the Tenga, but from what I hear it's like a rubber, egg-shaped pocket pussy.

Maybe it's because I'm not very competitive, but I can't imagine what would compel a person to enter a longterm masturbation contest. Personally, I turn to whacking off when I want to knock one out in a hurry. Do I have 90 seconds and some batteries to spare? Excellent. I'm busy at the moment, I'll have to call you back.

For a very NSFW photo of Masanobu training with his Tenga (along with his coach, maybe?), please click here.