IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week UPDATE -- Suck It, Douchebags!

Awhile back, we nominated uber-douche Michael Minelli for the IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week Award for attempting to sue Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags dot com and author of a book of the same name. Basically, Jay caught Michael being a douche and put him in his rightful place -- on the Internet where everyone could make fun of him. Also suing Jay Louis for defamation were three women pictured on the site.

Jesus, even Fox News jumped on the hott/douchey bandwagon.

Unlikely allies aside, it is with great, gloating, ha ha ha you're a spray-tanned loser with too many Ed Hardy T-shirts pleasure that I announce the dismissal of all HCwD lawsuits earlier this week. Pictured below are Jersey-bred Yvette Gorzelany and Joanna Obiedzinski, two of the female lawsuit-ers, who, despite their best efforts, are pictured allegedly in the exact way they will appear in the book, of course demonstrating their uncanny ability to pick really excellent friends.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 3

(Continued from To Catch a Scumbag Part 2)

On Monday, January 5, my so called vacation came to an end and back to work I went. I set up the camera and had Kat turn it on before she left for work. I came home and started to review the photos. We had it set to capture a picture every 10 seconds and the camera was on for just over 9 hours. Do the math – that’s over 3,000 photos to view. You would be amazed how quickly you can look at pictures, especially when all you are looking for is something that is different from one picture to the next. You can easily view 5 or so per second. After flipping through several hundred in rapid succession and only seeing a squirrel, who ran up and down the telephone pole next door at least 15 times before noon, I was thinking this was a colossal waste of time. Nonetheless, I kept scrolling through the pics. The time stamp showed 1:00, 2:00, 3:00 and right at 3:58:42 there is a picture of a guy going into the house next door! I had gotten home that day at like ten minutes after four, but now it was just before 5:00 p.m. I thought it was likely that person was still in the house.

I grabbed my cell phone and called Det. Wethington and asked him “what would you do if I told you I have a picture of someone breaking in the house next door? He asked me how I got that and I told him about my little set up. he laughed and then I said I think the guy may be in the house right now and that I was going to go over there. He said he would be right over and he was. He brought a patrol officer with him and they both went in. Again, no one was in the house but a different bicycle was in the kitchen. In fact, it looked like the bike Kat saw on New Year’s Eve. He asked if I had a digital camera he could borrow and snapped some pics of the bike. I e-mailed him those photos and the photo of the guy going in the house. Now the police had pictures of a suspect and his mode of transportation. He left the bike and the house unlocked with the hope of catching this scumbag in the act. If only had watched the photos from most recent to oldest, we may have caught the guy that day. So now I am really fired up about this. The photo wasn’t good enough that you could positively ID the person, but it was evidence. So I decide to search for higher resolution cameras, particularly ones that have a zoom lens. I choose the Microsoft VX-6000 and ran to best Buy and dropped $70 on one. I hooked it up to the PC and the picture quality was noticeably improved and the zoom was pretty powerful. I knew this was gonna help me catch a scumbag! Then I tested it with the time lapse capture software and ran into a snag. When I used the time lapse, it reset the camera which meant the lens would not stay zoomed in. DAMMIT. I decided to run with it anyway since it did have higher resolution. I also decided that I was going to take a picture every 5 seconds now.

On January 6 we went through the same routine. I set up the camera and Kat turned it on before she went to work. This time when I came home I had over 6,000 pictures to sort through, but this time I started at the most recent and worked to the oldest. We again got pictures of three different people coming on to the property next door. I e-mailed them to the detective. Wednesday was pretty much a repeat. So each day I get pics of people coming onto the property. We call the police again and a patrol man comes out and reviews the pictures and checks out the house. Every time we deal with the police they are very nice and seem genuinely concerned and wanting to take action. Still, I am getting frustrated that I keep seeing people on the property and still on one has been caught. I start checking the house several times per day.

On Thursday we went through our routine and when Kat went to set up the camera, she noticed that the blinds in the window closest to our house are now missing on the house next door. They were definitely there at 10:00 p.m. the night before. I was at work and she called me and told me and then she called 911. Now I was thinking maybe the criminals knew we were watching them so now they are watching us. I bolted out of work and got home to meet three Woodson Terrace police officers at our house. One of them was a guy who I went to high school with. Again, they were very accommodating and we all went next door and now the bike was gone from the kitchen and now a lawn mower was there. Obviously they are stealing stuff and stashing it in the house. There is also evidence that they are partying in the house.

Now for a brief interlude. Right after we discovered that our house was broken into and that some of our stuff was found at the vacant house next door, I called the Realtor who had the house for sale. The agent’s name is Tom Azar from Able Real Estate and I thought he would want to know that the house had been broken into and people were still coming and going. I also wanted him to know that his sign and information box was broken and strewn across the yard. I would think any responsible Realtor would want to present the property in the best light possible so they could get it sold and earn a commission. That would be in your self interest not to mention the fiduciary responsibility you have to serve your client who is paying you. Man was I wrong. This dickhead Tom Azar tells me he doesn’t care and that I should be a good neighbor and do something about it myself and hangs up on me. Of course he will not answer any more of my calls. (I get back at him in several ways – more later)

More to come........

Sorry Mom

The contributors of imrubberyourglue are not always as cranky as you might think. Although we mete out harsh treatment for Octo-Moms and home invaders, we also give credit where credit is due. Past recipients of such goodwill are Deus Ex Malcontent, Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and Kathy "I Don't Come To Your Work and Smack the Dicks Out of Your Mouth" Griffin.

The thing is, misery loves company. Sure we'd love the world to be all sunshine and rainbows and bottomless pints of beer, delicious beer, but the facts are thus: you can't get rainbows without rain and well-adjusted people never develop drinking problems habits. With this in mind, I'd like to raise a toast to one of my new favorites, I Bang the Worst Dudes.

And I swear I didn't build the site myself.

Ever banged someone you wish you hadn't? Well, I fucking hope so, because why the hell else are you here? Even if you never submit a Worst Dude of your own, I highly recommend visiting I Bang the Worst Dudes. At the very least, it'll make a small percentage of your worst lays maybe...possibly...hopefully a little more bearable in retrospect. Compared to the guy who makes you bone to the sweet sounds of the Aladdin soundtrack, I mean.

Castration via Transportation

One of our contributors, Idea Jones, and his new "manly" wheels.

Sandwiches and Orgasms

Just a small life observation; Sandwiches and orgasms are a lot alike. They are both better when made by someone else. That is all.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 2

We called the Woodson Terrace police and Captain Mike Thompson was the first to arrive. We brought him in and showed him where our stuff was and showed him the cord hanging out of the closed window. When we did, Kat noticed a bike on the patio of the house next door. That house has been vacant and been for sale for over a year. The bike did not belong there. We had not seen a bike in that yard at any time in the year proceeding. She mentioned it but we all did not think anything of it. A detective arrived and a patrol man and we looked to see if anything else was missing. They made some suggestions of things to look for. “Are you missing any liquor?” Sure enough we were missing several bottles of booze. “How about any loose change you collect?” We had been saving up all of our daily change in a jar all year. I went to where it was kept and it too was missing. I figured it was about $200 in coins.

The cops did their thing; took finger prints, snapped pictures, asked more questions. They gave us the police report number, asked us to call if we realized anything else was missing, and said they would be in touch. They felt confident that after they questioned everyone who had been working in the house, they would have a suspect. When they left we went back outside and noticed the bike that was next door was now gone. That got some wheels clicking. I went next door and saw the back door was open on that house and a suitcase was setting just outside of the door. It was obvious the suitcase was not left behind be the previous owners. It wasn’t wet (it had been raining) and wasn’t weathered at all. I told Kat to call the detective back because someone could be in the house. I did not go in, but stood in the back so I could see if anyone came out. The captain and Detective James “JW” Wethington came back and went in the house with their guns drawn.

Unfortunately, no one was in the house but there was a bike, not the one from the back porch, inside. They came out, opened the suitcase and the liquor from our house was inside! We knew for sure because we had just been given a bottle of homemade lemoncello as a Christmas present from our good friend Marty the day before. We put the bottle in our freezer. So these creeps literally went through everything in our house.

So we hung out around the house for awhile, doing laundry and watching some TV. I have always heard people say that when your house is burglarize, it’s not about the stuff, it’s about feeling violated that people were in YOUR house going through YOUR things. I was now in touch with that emotion. I wanted to spend the night there but Kat was able to talk me into going back to the hotel around 9:00 p.m. We canceled our plans for the night and just stayed in our room watching movies. Kat was asleep before midnight but I could not sleep. I just laid there getting pissed. I was determined that I was going to catch whomever it was that dared to break into my house.

So just before 6:00 a.m. on January 1, New Year’s Day, I couldn’t take it. I got up, left the hotel, and headed to our house. I had a feeling I was going to find something. When I pulled up there was a bike on the side of the house next door! I knew I had them. I thought better of going in the house myself and called 911. The Woodson Terrace police were there quickly and went in, again with guns drawn. I heard I loud slam and I was anticipating them coming out with someone in cuffs. No luck. However, there was a different bike in the house and they took the one that was on the outside. Damn. I thought this would come to a quick end.

So now there is no way I am leaving the house. I told Kat that she could stay at the hotel but I was staying at our house from now on. I called my brother-in-law Tony and asked if he could come over and put up some heavy plastic where the ceiling was missing so we could run the furnace warm enough to stay out the house. By the way, Tony is awesome and if you ever need a handy man in the St Louis are, call him. I also wanted to get the dogs out of the kennel. You can call Brinks or ADT to get a security system; I’ll take my dog Cali over them. She is a German Shepherd/Rottweiler mix and 70 pound of solid muscle. She is very territorial and if she would have been home when someone tried to break in we would have had a different mess to clean up. We have another dog, Harley who is much bigger than Cali and a good barker, but let’s just say she is not very intimidating. She might smack you in the calf with her tail, if she bothers to get up. The kennel was closed so I had to wait until Saturday to get the girls.

So all weekend I sat in the house, half watching TV and half watching the house next door. I had to go back to work Monday but was really apprehensive about leaving the house. I started looking up video surveillance systems on the internet. They are not cheap and not something you can quickly or easily install. So on Sunday, I get the idea that maybe I can do this with a web cam. So I start searching for a way to do time lapse images and I find Handy AVI that looks to do exactly what I want. I wasn’t completely sure it would work so I went to Wal-mart and bought an inexpensive web cam the Microsoft VX-3000. I came home and did a test and it worked well.

To be continued.....

Hey Aqualung or.....

Only pussies apologize. That was the alternate title for this post. So a lot of people are upset that Michael Phelps was smoking a little weed. Yes, that is very unusual activity for a 23 year old with no job. Some of his sponsors are even dropping him including Kellogs. Who do they think is easting all of that cereal? So Michael apologized for his behavior. I don’t think he should have.

Someone else who has felt compelled to throw out a bunch of mea culpas is Christian Bale. He had a bad day at work and yelled at someone. Big deal right? Who hasn’t yelled at someone who didn’t truly deserve. Sure, listening to the rant has been a loot of fun, but that could have been any one of us. He just happened to be taped. Besides, what is point of spending all of your life training 12 hours a day or committing so much to your work that you drop to 100 pounds for role if not take advantage of the fame. And why would anyone want to be famous if they can’t become self-indulgent? Sure, some actors are committed to just the craft, but most simply want to be famous. Now Phelps and Bale feel the need to apologize for typical human behavior.

It’s strange that those who really do not need to apologize are quick to offer up an apology and those who need to be the most sorry are often unrepentant. You know who needs to apologize? The media needs to apologize not only for making too big deal out of these situations, but also for foisting octomom Nadya Suleman on us. Who cares? If someone crazy bitch wants to treat her vagina like a clown car then so be it. Don’t waste my time on it.

So with all that being said, I present to you Christian Bale vs. Bill O’Reilly.