Secret Tweet is for.......

If you have not heard of the phenomenon that is Twitter, then you are likely doing time. Twitter.com is a micro-blogging site where you have 140 characters to answer the questions “What are you going?” It sort of functions like a public instant messenger and recently lots of high profile media people, politicians, and a few celebrities have been using it. I confess to being a borderline twitterholic, but there are people who send dozens of “tweets”, individual message posts, each day. They spend hours on Twitter sharing the minutia of their lives with the world. You choose who you follow and you see only their messages.

One of the “people” you can follow is Secret Tweet. Secret Tweet was created to allow Twitter users to share secrets anonymously. So people go to secrettweet.com and write a post and it is anonymously posted on Twitter. Here are some recent examples:

I really wish I followed my first mind and didn't marry you. Even the way you sneeze irritates me. If it wasn't for the kid.

I thought I hated sex. Turns out I just hated sex with my husband. But my boyfriend now wont give it up too much.

I know my ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend. but he still calls me everyday to say he misses me. i wish she knew.

I call bullshit on about 80% of the tweets they send out. As someone who writes for a living, I know I have a distinct style, as do many of the posts on Secret Tweet. They are written like setup-punchline. I bet that there is a person sitting around watching TV with little to no elastic in their underwear eating BBQ pork rinds all day churning out a vast majority of these posts. And for those that are real, man up and say these things to the person they are aimed at. That’s what we do here at ImRubberYourGlue. We speak our mind and do hide in the shadows when we do. So what is Secret Tweet for? Secret Tweet is for

(that's pussies btw)

To Catch A Scumbag Part 4

Continued from To Catch a Scumbag Part 3

Now back to our tale. I was fed up and I wanted action. I decided that I was not going to go to work and hide in the house and wait to catch these people. They had come and gone every day so I figured I had a solid chance. I also wanted to have contractors out to give bids on repairing the damage and a few burglar alarm companies as well. I took my car up to the police station and left it so it looked like no one was home. I waited, and waited. I had the camera set up and was watching my computer monitor all day. Zero activity the whole day. All I saw was squirrels and birds, no criminals. I decided it was a fluke and did the same thing the next day. Pretty early the next morning I see a person come down from behind the house next door, jump the fence, and start heading across the yard to towards the house. I jump up, grab my cell phone and my weapon of choice and head outside. Rather than going in the house, he comes around the front and is heading down the street. I stop him and ask him what he is doing. He tells me he is going to the store. So I lay into him about how this is private property and what could happen to people who trespass and that I better not ever see him cutting through again. He was polite and said he wouldn’t cut through anymore.

We had plans to go out for the day on Saturday, January 10 to Clarksville, MO to go eagle watching and eat at this really great restaurant called Village of the Blue Rose. We set up the camera and headed out for the day. We were gone for about 12 hours that day. We had a great time and forgot about all of our problems for awhile. I decided to review the footage and it was pretty much a field day of people coming and going from the house next door. I got really great shots of a person entering the house through the back door so I printed it out and called the police. One of the original patrol officers showed up and I handed him the photos. Two of the people were ones I had stopped earlier and a couple new faces. He seemed pretty impressed that we had pictures and times of people coming and going. He checked out the house and of course, no one was there.So we show up at the Woodson Terrace city council meeting on Thursday, January 15 with our photos of the suspects in hand as well as pictures of the mess from the Realtors busted ass signs scattered across the yard. I had two goals. To get the city to force the Realtor to take action and to get the house boarded up or otherwise secured. Right after the Pledge of Allegiance there is an opportunity for any citizens to bring business to the board. There were not many people there but I waited and let some others speak. I think this really worked to my advantage. This is also a bit of a departure from our crime story, but a couple of things happened before I got to speak that made me both laugh and worry. First, there were two ladies there who seemed to be “regulars.” I have to figure that if you are regularly going to city council meetings you may be some sort of crack pot. They did not prove me wrong. They were asking questions about how does one run for alderman, why is so and so allowed to have a sign in their yard but someone else is not and on and on. Finally they finished and another person got up to speak.

Let me just give you a little background about Woodson Terrace. While things are vastly different now, back in the 1980’s there was only one black family in the Woo. That’s it. Solamente uno. In 1992, I was working in real estate and a friend of mine sold a house to another black couple in Woodson Terrace. She got death threats. That’s right, plural. She got a lot of angry phone calls from local residents of that post World War II generation that were predominate at that time. A lot of those people and feelings are still prevalent today, but I think it is easy to say that presently Woodson Terrace is a diverse mix of races and cultures.

A couple of years ago a new night club called Brothers opened in our town. It catered to an upscale black crowd. Of course the old guard in town did not like. First and most obviously, because of the of the color of the skin of the patrons. Second, it replaced a local institution that was a favorite of the old guard – Groan’s Cafeteria. Brothers always seemed to have a good crowd and I never heard of any problems related to the club. For whatever reason the placed closed and the next speaker was there because she was looking to open a new business, again a nightclub, in the same location.

The woman got up and introduced herself and said she was looking to get a liquor license. Immediately the mayor stopped her and said that she needed to first go through the process of applying for the license and having an background check completed by the police department and that this was not the forum for that. She claimed she did do those things but the city clerk politely told her that no, she applied for a business license, not a liquor license they are two different things. She sat down but her husband was with her. I think he thought he was going to use his powerful oratory skills and the council would be so impressed that they would hand over a liquor license on the spot.

He started off by introducing himself as he husband and saying he was just there to support his wife. He then launched into a long diatribe about how she is a wonderful person and she should not be judged by any of his actions. So now am thinking “felon!” Then he starts talking about how he is proud of his life. The mayor obliged for awhile and then again told them that there is a process, and if they would follow the process then they may end up with their license. Since his goal was not achieved, he continued. The mayor only let this go on a short time and once again reviewed the process for getting a liquor license. The man started to get angry since the council had still failed to hand over the license even after he waxed philosophical. The chief of police cut in and said “Look, we told you what to do and you haven’t done it. And when I stopped by the other day while you were working in the building I told you that it would be a good idea to get your liquor license before continuing to do any work. Call and set up an appointment to get your license and background check. You cannot do that here.” So the man said, “I don’t understand why you are making us jump through all these hoops. When you stopped by the other day, I was not illiterate in any way…..” That is not a typo. The man said he was not illiterate. I believe he meant belligerent. This was only one of many large words he used out of context during his diatribe. I also think he felt he was just so charming that he should a liquor license. Finally he sat down but the ordeal was not over. The couple brought their pastor with them. He too was told about the process and that this couple has not taken any of the steps to complete the process. Well, he pastor launched into his best Al Sharpton and hinted at the racism that must be behind the city wanting them to actually apply for a liquor license. So now I am thinking that maybe it is not just crackpots who go to these meetings. This is solid entertainment.

More to come.....

IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week UPDATE -- Suck It, Douchebags!

Awhile back, we nominated uber-douche Michael Minelli for the IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week Award for attempting to sue Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags dot com and author of a book of the same name. Basically, Jay caught Michael being a douche and put him in his rightful place -- on the Internet where everyone could make fun of him. Also suing Jay Louis for defamation were three women pictured on the site.

Jesus, even Fox News jumped on the hott/douchey bandwagon.

Unlikely allies aside, it is with great, gloating, ha ha ha you're a spray-tanned loser with too many Ed Hardy T-shirts pleasure that I announce the dismissal of all HCwD lawsuits earlier this week. Pictured below are Jersey-bred Yvette Gorzelany and Joanna Obiedzinski, two of the female lawsuit-ers, who, despite their best efforts, are pictured allegedly in the exact way they will appear in the book, of course demonstrating their uncanny ability to pick really excellent friends.

To Catch A Scumbag Part 3

(Continued from To Catch a Scumbag Part 2)

On Monday, January 5, my so called vacation came to an end and back to work I went. I set up the camera and had Kat turn it on before she left for work. I came home and started to review the photos. We had it set to capture a picture every 10 seconds and the camera was on for just over 9 hours. Do the math – that’s over 3,000 photos to view. You would be amazed how quickly you can look at pictures, especially when all you are looking for is something that is different from one picture to the next. You can easily view 5 or so per second. After flipping through several hundred in rapid succession and only seeing a squirrel, who ran up and down the telephone pole next door at least 15 times before noon, I was thinking this was a colossal waste of time. Nonetheless, I kept scrolling through the pics. The time stamp showed 1:00, 2:00, 3:00 and right at 3:58:42 there is a picture of a guy going into the house next door! I had gotten home that day at like ten minutes after four, but now it was just before 5:00 p.m. I thought it was likely that person was still in the house.

I grabbed my cell phone and called Det. Wethington and asked him “what would you do if I told you I have a picture of someone breaking in the house next door? He asked me how I got that and I told him about my little set up. he laughed and then I said I think the guy may be in the house right now and that I was going to go over there. He said he would be right over and he was. He brought a patrol officer with him and they both went in. Again, no one was in the house but a different bicycle was in the kitchen. In fact, it looked like the bike Kat saw on New Year’s Eve. He asked if I had a digital camera he could borrow and snapped some pics of the bike. I e-mailed him those photos and the photo of the guy going in the house. Now the police had pictures of a suspect and his mode of transportation. He left the bike and the house unlocked with the hope of catching this scumbag in the act. If only had watched the photos from most recent to oldest, we may have caught the guy that day. So now I am really fired up about this. The photo wasn’t good enough that you could positively ID the person, but it was evidence. So I decide to search for higher resolution cameras, particularly ones that have a zoom lens. I choose the Microsoft VX-6000 and ran to best Buy and dropped $70 on one. I hooked it up to the PC and the picture quality was noticeably improved and the zoom was pretty powerful. I knew this was gonna help me catch a scumbag! Then I tested it with the time lapse capture software and ran into a snag. When I used the time lapse, it reset the camera which meant the lens would not stay zoomed in. DAMMIT. I decided to run with it anyway since it did have higher resolution. I also decided that I was going to take a picture every 5 seconds now.

On January 6 we went through the same routine. I set up the camera and Kat turned it on before she went to work. This time when I came home I had over 6,000 pictures to sort through, but this time I started at the most recent and worked to the oldest. We again got pictures of three different people coming on to the property next door. I e-mailed them to the detective. Wednesday was pretty much a repeat. So each day I get pics of people coming onto the property. We call the police again and a patrol man comes out and reviews the pictures and checks out the house. Every time we deal with the police they are very nice and seem genuinely concerned and wanting to take action. Still, I am getting frustrated that I keep seeing people on the property and still on one has been caught. I start checking the house several times per day.

On Thursday we went through our routine and when Kat went to set up the camera, she noticed that the blinds in the window closest to our house are now missing on the house next door. They were definitely there at 10:00 p.m. the night before. I was at work and she called me and told me and then she called 911. Now I was thinking maybe the criminals knew we were watching them so now they are watching us. I bolted out of work and got home to meet three Woodson Terrace police officers at our house. One of them was a guy who I went to high school with. Again, they were very accommodating and we all went next door and now the bike was gone from the kitchen and now a lawn mower was there. Obviously they are stealing stuff and stashing it in the house. There is also evidence that they are partying in the house.

Now for a brief interlude. Right after we discovered that our house was broken into and that some of our stuff was found at the vacant house next door, I called the Realtor who had the house for sale. The agent’s name is Tom Azar from Able Real Estate and I thought he would want to know that the house had been broken into and people were still coming and going. I also wanted him to know that his sign and information box was broken and strewn across the yard. I would think any responsible Realtor would want to present the property in the best light possible so they could get it sold and earn a commission. That would be in your self interest not to mention the fiduciary responsibility you have to serve your client who is paying you. Man was I wrong. This dickhead Tom Azar tells me he doesn’t care and that I should be a good neighbor and do something about it myself and hangs up on me. Of course he will not answer any more of my calls. (I get back at him in several ways – more later)

More to come........

Sorry Mom

The contributors of imrubberyourglue are not always as cranky as you might think. Although we mete out harsh treatment for Octo-Moms and home invaders, we also give credit where credit is due. Past recipients of such goodwill are Deus Ex Malcontent, Hot Chicks With Douchebags, and Kathy "I Don't Come To Your Work and Smack the Dicks Out of Your Mouth" Griffin.

The thing is, misery loves company. Sure we'd love the world to be all sunshine and rainbows and bottomless pints of beer, delicious beer, but the facts are thus: you can't get rainbows without rain and well-adjusted people never develop drinking problems habits. With this in mind, I'd like to raise a toast to one of my new favorites, I Bang the Worst Dudes.

And I swear I didn't build the site myself.

Ever banged someone you wish you hadn't? Well, I fucking hope so, because why the hell else are you here? Even if you never submit a Worst Dude of your own, I highly recommend visiting I Bang the Worst Dudes. At the very least, it'll make a small percentage of your worst lays maybe...possibly...hopefully a little more bearable in retrospect. Compared to the guy who makes you bone to the sweet sounds of the Aladdin soundtrack, I mean.

Castration via Transportation

One of our contributors, Idea Jones, and his new "manly" wheels.

Sandwiches and Orgasms

Just a small life observation; Sandwiches and orgasms are a lot alike. They are both better when made by someone else. That is all.