Need to feel inadequate

So, I have not written anything in a while, and I owe you all an explanation. I've been jerking off every time I sit down at the computer (sorry public library computer lab users).

Anyway,

As a married man and a frequent customer of the local pharmacy, I often find myself wandering the medicinal stacks. Taking the opportunity to peruse the myriad of contraceptives and sexual aids. A world that I haven't inhabited in sometime, a world full of VD and a need for pina colada scented butt lube. This world has expanded by the way, whether it be your basic flavored condoms, lube that makes your private parts burn (On purpose really?) or for the really adventurous a condom that vibrates.

Being an inquisitive type, as I go to leave said isle I always check out how much dust has collected on the Magnum condom boxes, just to see if someone actually buys these. For those of you who don't know, these are for people with a birth defect.

Well, much to my chagrin there is actually now an even BIGGER CONDOM, The Magnum XL. Not only is there bigger dicks out there, they are actually enough of them that they have added a shift at the factory.

Now don't get me wrong. Who am I to begrudge another man his need for contraceptives or the fact that his mother was a heroin mule while pregnant with him. My problem is with the Manufacturer.

Manufacturer? You might ask.

We'll, I just would like to know why the Huge Penis brigade gets a condom named after a Clint Eastwood Movie. Like they need more self-esteem.

I have an Idea for Trojan since Clint Eastwood seems to be there muse.

How about a condom for guys who date whores " Any Which Way But Loose" OR condoms with extra lube meant for that extra input " Dirty Hairy". Maybe even a condom for that guy who has a girl whose vagina is like a prison "Escape from Alcatraz" for that bitch who just won't let go.

love,

-ideajones

Pass the Bong and Hit the Gas

Brooke Hogan released a new album the other day. I don't know when her first one came out, or if there were any between the first and this one. Doesn't matter. She's Brooke Hogan. All she needs to do is sit back, spend her father's money, and wait for the day drag queens start dressing up like her.

This may happen sooner than she thought, thanks to the airbrushed custom van design that is her new album cover. If she'd released that record anywhere between 1973 and 1986, the only reason people would have bought it would have been to give it to their older brother's friend "Poncho" or "Snake" or something to tape up on the side of their van and trace freehand. They would have paid him with some Mexican dirt weed and a bottle of Night Train. Possibly also some rolling papers. But only if they'd just gotten their check that day.

Seeing as though this is 2009, pretty much no one will buy it for any reason.

The Cock of the Walk

Canadian trivia master Alex Trebek turned 69 this week. Perhaps it was in anticipation of this innuendo-ish birthday that he had the accompanying shirtless publicity photo taken back when he still had, to quote fake Sean Connery, a "dago mustache."

Rolling For the Crave

A White Castle in St. Paul, Minnesota refused to serve a woman who rolled on up to their drive thru in a motorized scooter. Like any fast food restaurant concerned with safety, this particular White Castle restricts any business after 11pm to the drive thru window. Either that or they are scared of Gremlins. Also like most fast food restaurants, White Castle restricts their drive thru to licensed motor vehicles.

** This is true. Once in junior high, my friends and I got baked and tried to navigate a shopping cart through the drive thru of McDonald's. It wasn't as ambitious (and therefore contradictory to stoner behavior) as it seems; the shopping cart had been abandoned not 50 feet from the drive thru. And come to think of it, that McDonald's was basically next door to a White Castle. A bar was the only business between the two. **

Anyway, Ariel Wade motored over to her local White Castle for some after midnight eats and was "madder than fish grease" when she was turned away. She is now petitioning the Minnesota Disability Law Center for help in suing White Castle, but according to Justin Page, a staff attorney, this is an "unsettled" area of law.

I would argue that the signs clearly posted in the White Castle drive thru advising that only licensed motor vehicles will be served would have been the giveaway (and don't give me any of that I couldn't see them bullshit, I see those things even when I'm drunk and not wearing my glasses). I would also argue that Ariel Wade is quite large*, and although she claims to use the scooter due to "degenerative arthritis in her back," she may be one of those "I'm really fucking lazy and eat fast food in the middle of the night" people.

Possibly she developed the arthritis while working as "a onetime exotic dancer in New Orleans who until recently worked selling bingo tickets at a St. Paul bar." That's from the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune, okay, not me.

It certainly doesn't help my opinion of her when she takes a stand by stating, "You can try to butter me up all you want to. Free meals aint going to work."

And when the reporter shut off the recorder, she said, "Mmmmmm, butter."


*Ariel Wade not pictured. That is a much smaller woman riding her Hoveround on a unicorn.

The Bitch Who Won't Eat Ham

I've called out Gwyneth Paltrow before. I've ranted about her asinine GOOP newsletter, her diet, and most of all, the giant stick up her ass. But Gwyneth doesn't know me and I'm not famous, so since then I've been waiting around for someone better to say the same thing.

Anthony Bourdain, you remain one of my heroes.

(And not just because Brad describes me as "Like Anthony Bourdain with a great rack.")

On the topic of Spain...On the Road Again, the travel/food show she's on with Bourdain's friend Mario Batali, Bourdain said "Why would you go to Spain with the one bitch who refuses to eat ham?"

According to Perez Hilton, Gwyneth's macrobiotic diet forbids her from eating meat and she has claimed that she will not eat meat during the show. Which is about food. In Spain. Where one of their proudest culinary traditions is curing pork.

Why would Gwyneth be there at all? She's allegedly friends with Mario Batali, but I can't imagine her eating or drinking anything worthwhile at all, let alone any of the delicious, fatty, creative, decidedly un-blessed-by-a-Kabbalah-leader stuff in Spain and be fun enough to be a travel companion. I mean, she'd be great to take with you to a colonic spa, but Spain? Mario, wtf?

A Real Douche Bag Move

See the photo below? What you are witnessing is a real douche bag move.


No, I am not calling George H. W. Bush a douche, but the guy who took this picture of the former president and sold it to the media is a DB of the highest order. Let me explain: Seems the Bush’s were having party for Barbara’s birthday and they invited some of the cast from A Chorus Line to their beach house, so it would be appropriate that people would be clothed in swim wear, right? And if you meet someone famous like a former president you might want to get your picture taken with him, right? So far so good.

There is a code between men. You don’t rat another man out when it comes to has activity with women, especially when the woman is question is not your wife or girlfriend. What happens in the strip club stays there. Same happens when you are at party in your own home and something like this goes on. He’s an old man and entitled to have a hot chick on his lap if he wants. I am no fan of the former president but I do know what releasing this photo is a violation of the man code

It Killed Bill

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