A Deeper Shade of Sole

Do what the Iraqi media cannot. Hit Bush in the face with a shoe.

http://www.sockandawe.com/

ImRubberYourGlue Staffer Makes Good

Erin (aka The Rocket Queen), one of the hilarious contributors to this site went nationwide. One of her photos in on the Fail Blog. Check it out.

http://failblog.org/2008/12/14/flea-market-fail/

W is The Batman

Say what you want about W. The man has some awesome reflexes.



Maybe we are all in the Matrix and he is Neo! Bush is The one.

Let's Sing About Date Rape

You can write a song about anything, right? Ben Taylor agrees with me. He is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon and is an up and coming singer/songwriter, of course. He has a song that is playing a lot on Sirus XM's Coffee House channel called Wicked Way. From what I can summize, it's a song about date rape. This isn't the first song to get air play about date rape. In the 90's Sublime had a song called Date Rape. The difference between that song and Taylor's is that the Sublime song was anti-date rape. I'm sure being raised by two iconic music stars of the 70's can mess anyone up, but you judge for yourself and tell me what this song is about.

Leading Cause of Death in Hollywood -- Being a Famous Person's Sibling

Boy, am I ever glad that my sister is unemployed and still living at home! If she was a famous actress, I'd probably be dead by now. That's a relief.

Last week, Mark Ruffalo's hairstylist brother was shot in the head while allegedly snorting a ton of coke (I'm just guessing, I can't imagine another drug that makes the user so overly confident and faaabulous looking) and playing Russian Roulette. It was originally thought that he was shot by someone else, but apparently some party girl with ties to the Saudi Arabian royal family is a legit witness.

I'm not sure how true her story is, but it certainly has more of a plot than the numerous chick flicks Mark Ruffalo has chosen to associate himself with.

Hmmm.

Too soon?

Actually, it's a shame this sort of thing had to happen. I mean, it would be a shame to happen to anyone, of course, but Mark Ruffalo's real roles are always well done. Plus I read that his brother had a wife and stepkids. It must have been bad enough to know he was shot, but the drugs and the gun games?

Then Macauley Culkin's sister got smoked by a car (get it, smoked?). Just stepped off a curb and someone hit her. Of course it happened in L.A. Everyone there drives and everyone there drives badly, which to to say nothing about how everyone there is also an asshole.

It's not like I'm making fun of dead siblings of famous people, or people who shoot themselves in the head while playing Russian Roulette, or people who get hit by cars while crossing the street, or even dead people in general. It just seems odd that Fate has chosen to pick off the less famous brothers and sisters of actors lately. Look out, Charlie O'Connell! Watch your back, Eric Roberts! The Grim Reaper could be coming for you!

Nucular Fail

This is just...I mean, I can't even...Jesus, Sarah Palin. What the fuck?



Next time you do some nasally interview about the Presidential turkey pardon, could you, I don't know, umm, try not to do it at a turkey slaughterhouse while a turkey is being killed behind you? PLEASE?

IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Month - Michael Minelli

* It seems I am not the only one who thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag. I'm in expertly good company, at least when it comes to douchebags, that is. Turns out that Jay Louis, creator of Hot Chicks With Douchebags, also thinks Michael Minelli is a douchebag, and enough of one to include in a book modeled after his Web site.

If you've ever abused your employer's liberal Internet privileges, you've probably stumbled upon Hot Chicks with Douchebags at some point. I don't remember exactly when I found it, but I do know that I immediately shared it with my work friends. Less than two weeks later, some random Douchebag was the mascot of a PowerPoint happy hour invitation.

Hot Chicks with Douchebags (hereafter referred to as HCWD because I'm sick of typing the whole thing) is clever in its subtlety. Jay Louis doesn't ruminate on the intellectual merit of his subjects (assuming they have it, but of course, that's not the point). He doesn't extrapolate on their lives beyond the photo in which they appear. They are, quite simply, Hot Chicks with Douchebags. And on HCWD, this is all that matters.

(dude, you're such a douche.)

So anyway, Michael Minelli is some douchebag "club promoter" in Vegas who wound up on HCWD. Surprise -- he got pissed. I like to imagine that his roided-up pecs bulged to the point of popping and whatever silly bandana --oh, sorry, it's probably a do-rag -- he tied on slipped right off his gel-slicked head only to irritate him further by snagging on an uber-douchey diamond ear stud. Keep in mind, this is only speculation. Besides, men, even the douchebag kind, don't handle their disputes like men anymore. They don't bump chests, snort, punch one another in the face, and then decide to be buds once the ass kicking is done. No. They do not do that. What do they do?

They hire lawyers.

Michael Minelli sicced a team of lawyers on Jay Louis on the grounds of libel. That is, without Jay Louis and his book o' douche, no one in the world would ever think Michael Minelli was less than an A-ok guy. With, um, lots of bronzer and an "oops, I was walking down the street and just happened to walk into a graffiti artist war!" t-shirt. Plus the aforementioned pecs, do-rag, and studs.

So I nominate Michael Minelli for IRYG's Internet Douchebag of the Week. It wasn't easy beating out Sarah Palin's surreal turkey slaughterhouse fail, but you've done it. Now get that nozzle out of your ass and get down tha club. Tha honeys is waitin'.

*PS: I have no idea if any of the Douchebags pictured here are Michael Minelli, but I highly doubt it's the guys at the top. Michael Minelli is based in Vegas, and those two idiots reek of Jersey.

Skip Church - Watch This

You will get the idea in the first 30 seconds but don't tune out. Stick with it or skip to about 4:30 in. You will be glad you did.

Too Hell With Oprah, These Are My Favorite Things

Not counting my wife, there are very few things I can say that a truly love. Drinking? Sure. Really good pizza? That's a given. Sex? Of course. All those things satisfy a basic human need. So beyond that it gets difficult for me to name things a enjoy deeply. With one exception - when people are attacked by wild animals. I cannot never hear enough stories about when people, using doing something that challenges the order set in nature, cause themselves to be hurt by a wild animal. The more horrific the injury ot stupid the deed the more I like. Here is the latest

Panda bites student seeking a hug

The Jungle Idiots

Dear Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz,

WHAT THE FUCK.

Although I don't claim to understand the motivation behind naming your child Bronx Mowgli Wentz and I have no background in child psychology or behavior, I belief I can safely predict that your firstborn son is going to get the crap kicked out of him. Repeatedly. Even if he doesn't have retarded hair or guyliner.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz. You fuckers.

Sincerely,

IRYG

Symptoms of the Problem

I realize that times are tough in the good ol' US of A right now. The stock market is below 8000. Banks are failing. Every time you turn on the TV you hear about more layoffs. But let's face it, it's still really good here. Even as bad as things may seem now, we are way better off than 99.867% of the rest of the world. Our poor people own televisions for crying out loud. There are kids in 3rd world nations that are dreaming of that their version of Santa Claus will bring them a stick. It's so good in America that we have to create new problems. The latest? Eco-anxiety.

Eco-anxiety is a form of depression caused by feeling anxious over the state of the environment. People with this "disorder" worry constantly about recycling, global warming, and the like. Here is an example; a Berkeley mother so stressed out about the extravagance of her nightly baths that she has started to reuse her daughter's bath water. This being the US, if there is a problem, we have a solution - eco-anxiety therapists. The therepists say that we are so disconnected with nature that this is the end result. For $250 they give the patients such sage advice "carry a rock with you" or "go outside."

What is the profile of the typical eco-anxiety sufferer? Wealthy white women. Of course. If you were poor and concerned about feeding your family you would not have time to get upset that someone dropped a Snickers wrapper on the ground. Time will tell but my call is that this may be the new anoriexia. I am reminded what the late great George Carlin said about women with anorexia. "Some rich bitch doesn't want to eat? Fuck her." I think that says it all.

Less Than Fabulous

Brad's right. What were we thinking when we voted for a president that might actually, I don't know, do a few things right for a change? We of imrubberyourglue have been sort of adrift amid the usual piss and vinegar of the Internet. Do you miss the good old fashioned rants of early to mid-2008? Me too, yo. It's a good thing Mickey Rourke is still alive.

Mickey Rourke has recently fallen into the Old Reliable of modern day celebrity cliches -- he apologized for calling someone a name. Apparently, some gossip columnist (everyone else seems to think it's Perez Hilton) speculated that Mickey was dating Evan Rachel Wood, also known as Marilyn Manson's ex-girlfriend, also known as -- ha! -- the Welfare Version of Dita Von Teese.

Mickey took offense to being linked with an attractive young lady with potential, got drunk, and said the following to the paparazzi: "C'mon, get a grip. And tell that faggot who wrote all that shit in the paper I'd like to break his fucking legs."

And, of course, people got pissy. And, of course of course, Mickey Rourke apologized. In typical written-by-a-publicity-intern fashion, the statement read "I want to sincerely apologize for the derogatory word I used. It was insensitive and inappropriate of me and I am deeply sorry that I may have offended anyone."

Bitch, please.

I'm not advocating that anyone in the public eye should be able to gay bash their way straight to DVD. I don't think the word "faggot" should be used to describe an unsavory character, nor am I one of those religious fascists having chaste, missionary-only celebrations for the passing of the allegedly family-values-destroying Prop 8.

But I also think that the celebrity apology has gone too far. Mickey Rourke called some guy a faggot. Big fucking deal. We're not talking about Barney the Dinosaur here, we're talking about Mickey Rourke. Barfly. Cocaine. Short-lived pro boxing career. Terrifying plastic surgery. Possible Evan Rachel Wood boinking. Mickey. Fucking. Rourke. Seriously, what do people expect of the man? I'd be disappointed if he never said anything offensive about anyone.

I mean, really. Expecting Mickey Rourke to be nice is like expecting Gary Busey to be sane. It’s totally unrealistic and you’ll always be disappointed. And, if you’re like me and my fellow IRYG contributors, you’ll be irritated beyond reason that a Hollywood fuckup is forced to apologize for whatever bonehead thing everyone knew he was going to say, anyway.

So stop apologizing, Mickey Rourkes of the world. Be a drunk. Be an idiot. Be weird and creepy and brush that pubey beard to your heart’s content. Say dumb things if you’d like, but don’t for a second fool yourself into believing people expect more of you.

People Magazine Headline From Today

I always think of People Magazine as the antithesis of what we do at ImRubberYoueGlue (or maybe I should say the perfect fodder). It's constant coverage or trite issues and celebrities who take themselves way to seriously. Here is today's gem:

Yes, exactly like poetry. Very closeted gay poetry.

An Open Letter to Mel Karmazin

This is not a typical post for ImRubberYourGlue, but as I explained previously I have been too happy to write the normal fare for this site. Besides, people actually read this blog so maybe someone could forward it to Mel. In case you did not know, Mel Karmazin is the CEO of Siruis XM, the satellite radio provider of which I am a subscriber and a share holder. A lot of shares. A lot of shares that I paid an average around $4.50 to own and are, as of this morning, are being traded at 26 cents. Something has to be done.

I love Sirius. I have been a subscriber since October of 2005 and have not listened to terrestrial radio since. When I heard Howard Stern was moving to satellite radio I did two things; I bought a receiver and I bought shares of Sirius. Last year I was given an iPod and I have to confess that these days I spend more time with it than my Sirius receiver. I have completely changed the way I consume content thanks in part to Tivo and the iPod and so have a lot of people. If Sirius wants to stick around they need to become more than a broadcasting company who delivers their content on satellite rather than on a Earthbound transmitter. Here is what they can do.

1. Offer Podcasts of their popular shows: This isn’t great for music but perfect for talk shows. Like him nor not, Stern is the reason a lot of people have Sirius. If you could download the show each day to your iPod and take it to work or wherever you go, a lot of people would do that. A lot of people would probably pay a few dollars more each month to be able to listen to the show when and where they want. A lot of people who do not subscribe because they don’t want to buy a receiver may also sign up to get casts of their favorite shows.

2. Open a Music Store: There is a lot of great music on Sirius. A lot of times when I listen I make a note to myself to go download a song I heard. How convenient would it be if I could press a button and be able to buy the song? Very cool. If all receivers were WiFi enabled, this could be done. If people are listening online this could be very easily done.

I'm Happy and That Makes Me Mad

Something very strange has been happening at ImRubberYourGlue since the election. There has been a noticeable change in tone – a lot less vitriol. I don’t know, maybe even a twinge of happiness? This site was created to make fun of celebrities, the media, and regular people who take themselves too seriously. That hasn’t been happening. At least not with the same sort of aggression as in the past. Yes, electing Barack Obama as President has made me optimistic, excited, even hopeful. The audacity! (that would make a great book title)


I have worked in comedy professionally, on and off, for many years. I can tell you that the funniest stuff comes from anger and pain. Anything that pisses you off can easily be turned in to comedy gold. Life would be so much easier, comedy wise, with a McCain/Palin administration. All I would have to do is scan the headlines each day, fume, and the piece would write itself. Now I’m struggling. I have to read deep into stories, read crap like People Magazine, and pay attention. It’s like work. So what was I thinking voting for an intelligent, thoughtful, competent person for president?

Hey Beav, Check Out My Project for Art Class

Tony Dow, the actor who played Wally on the iconic 50’s show Leave it To Beaver is having an abstract sculpture he created displayed at the Louvre in Paris. The “sculpture” is titled Unarmed Warrior and depicts a woman holding a bronze shield. At least that’s what the press release says. Judge for yourself. I have almost no artistic ability myself and even less ability to judge the skill of others, but I kinda wonder if this is not just some French thing. You know, like Jerry Lewis being worshiped as a genius.
Regardless, the story got me curious so I checked out what the rest of the cast from Leave it to Beaver is up to these days. Turns out that Tony Dow is not the only one working in the arts.

Lumpy Rutherford (Frank Bank) – Is now working on Fremont Street in Las Vegas as Harvey the Juggler. He came into being a juggler quite by accident. Prior, he was handing out flyers for strip clubs when one day some kids threw balls from the bounce house at Circus Circus at him. Rather than dropping his flyers, he held on and deftly juggled them and the balls. Thus a new career was born. No, this is not an old photo. He dresses like that every day.

Eddie Haskell (Ken Osmond) – Briefly toured as a musical act in the 1970’s and tried to cash in on his last name, booking himself as “The Osmond.” Today, he is a roadie for “Starship” and is occasionally recognized at the county fairs the band plays.

The Beaver (Jerry Mathers) – Little known fact, he was the real life inspiration for the Chris Farley Chippendale’s sketch on SNL. While he always aspired to be a dancer, his struggles with weight held him back. He occasionally performs today as a belly dancer at House of Falafel in Omaha

Help Finding Ass

Jim Baggepantes of Nashville, TN who previously could not find his own ass with Both hands and a Map, was reunited Saturday night with his Saggy friend.

When asked how the discovery came about, Jim replied "Geo cache".

Apparently, while passed out at a party one night, a Wiley Geo cacher placed a small plastic treasure chest filled with Tinker Toys in Jim's seat.

Jim woke up thinking. 'Wow my ass hurts'.

Which isn't rare since Jim does enjoy non-consensual sodomy on occasion.

Then some weeks later a couple from St.Louis, MO came up to him in a bar and offered to buy him a drink if they could examine his rectum.

To which he replied, 'I don't have any idea where it is'.

Well ,what transpired next was a series of drinks followed by a memorable reunion.

Apparently Geo caching has a purpose after all.

I think, next up a certain individual in the Mountains of Pakistan.

Lincoln Bedroom Gets Makeover

Breaking News: "Rent-A-Center tapped to handle White House Redecorate"

I Heart the First Lady Elect

Now that I'm no longer sick with anxiety over who will be our next president, Senator Barack Obama or Zombie Overlord McCain, I can finally get back to contributing to imrubberyourglue and feel good about putting other people down.

Sort of.

I wish I could use this blog to disparage someone or some stupid bullshit they had the misfortune to put on the Internet, but there is a more pressing issue on my mind. And that issue is....

I LOVE MICHELLE OBAMA.

I'm not usually one to care so much about the First Spouse, what with all their non-politicking and naming drug rehab clinics after themselves. I'm far more interested in the President and what they're up to, because that sort of thing directly correlates to what country I say I'm from when I travel overseas.

Michelle Obama is different.

I think Michelle Obama is quite possibly the coolest First Lady we have ever had. She may be the coolest First Lady we will ever have, unless, that is, Hillary takes office someday. Like her husband, Michelle knows how to stride onstage, command an audience, and be totally fucking awesome without looking like she's trying at all.

She also looks like she could kick some ass, but not in that obnoxious, aggressive barfly way. Michelle wouldn't bother with dumping a warm beer down your back and reaching for a clump of your hair. She's too good for that. Michelle is like a super steathy sly lady ninja.

See? You think she's reaching for the sign but she's really removing your brain. And you can't even feel it.

I'm not naive enough to think that no floozy is going to come forward and claim she schtupped the 44th President of the United States, but I really like watching Barack and Michelle Obama interact. She's not overbearing. She's not timid. She stands at eye level with him and seems to be telepathically saying to him, "You will rock my world tonight and make me breakfast in the morning!" All while respecting the hell out of him, of course, just like you know he does with her.

They seem like a way better couple than George and Laura Bush. I have nothing against Laura, not really, because I understand she's very into literacy causes. But I always got the feeling that Laura was like that slightly homely-looking, cockeyed brainy girl who got asked out by the popular frat boy and was too afraid to look back at her marginal past. I don't know what kind of Botox she's getting, but I can't imagine the kind of muscle control it must require to refrain from rolling your eyes at George Bush during a state dinner.

So thank you, Michelle Obama. Thank you for not being just another mute in pumps. Thank you for standing up with your husband instead of just alongside him, and thank you for being involved in what I'm hoping -- see, I finally have hope! -- will be an amazing presidency.

Some Advice for President Elect Obama

So now that Barack Obama will be president, I am optimistic that our country will get back on the right path. I am also hopeful that ImRubberYourGlue will be able to move past politics and get back to what do best – making fun of people and using the word “douche bag.” Before we do I want to offer up a little advice to our future president.

There are a lot of problems this country is facing – failing economy, climate change, wars, inflation, and an ever growing deficit. While I do not pretend to have the answers to all of those problems, I think I have a solution to reducing the budget deficit. I have a lot of experience in marketing and when you have a product or brand that has slow or shrinking growth you offer a premium or one of a kind experience. Take Disney, they had squeezed about every possible revenue channel out of their theme parks that they could. So what did they do? They offered and express pass which allowed people who paid extra could go right to the front of the line on any ride. That’s exactly what the government can do and provide us a little fun while doing it.

Sure, we could do practical things like cut mail service to three days a week (I only get mail anyway) and for people who want it more often, they can pay extra. We can go the Disney route and have people pay extra to not stand in line for things like renewing your driver’s license or even voting. But I have plan that I think provides people with a unique experience that only the government can provide and serve an essential public service. It’s sort of like a national lottery or auction. We execute a lot of prisoners in the United States, especially in Texas. Why not hold a lottery where people buy ticket to be the person to throw the switch on an execution? Tickets could be 10 bucks and if your umber is drawn, you get to kill a convicted death row inmate. Now that’s value! A once-in-a-lifetime experience that few others will ever have the chance to experience for only a Hamilton? The treasury coffers will runneth over.

Happy Reformation Day

Not only is today Halloween, it is also Reformation Day, the day when Martin Luther tacked his 95 Theses on the door of a church marking the start of the Protestant Reformation. While this day is recognized by all protestant churches, it is huge is Lutheran circles. It’s like Lutheran Super Bowl except with lutefisk instead of chicken wings.

Since I am nowhere near the thinker that good ol’ Martin was, I could never come up with 95 cogent arguments about anything. I’m simply an angry, bitter person. So in honor of Reformation Day, here is my list of 95 things that piss me off.

1. Co-workers who feel the need to say help each and every time you pass in the hall.
2. People who let their kids answer the phone.
3. Cats.
4. Being invited to a wedding, anniversary, shower, or baptism.
5. All the questions you have to answer a the gas pump before you can get gas – pay inside, pay outside, credit, debit, car wash, receipt, etc.
6. Telemarketers.
7. Blister packaging.
8. Putting the liner in the trash can.
9. People who bump into each other at the grocery store and take up the aisle so they can “catch-up.”
10. Fox News
11. When the smoke alarm needs the battery changed at 3:00 a.m.
12. Vegetarians.
13. Those helicopters that fall out of the trees.
14. Servers who ask if I need change when I pay the bill.
15. Crocs.
16. Magazine subscription cards.
17. Nancy Grace.
18. People who say “and things of that nature.”
19. Smug people who refuse to shop at Wal-Mart.
20. Cover charges.
21. Bisexuals (stop being greedy and make a decision).
22. Grown men under 5’4”.
23. People who are 1 item over at the express lane. Either go way over or get in the other line.
24. When the dog carries her food from the bowl to another room.
25. Spring forward (love Fall back).
26. Dane Cook.
27. People who have a party with no alcohol.
28. People who decide to “pop in” on you.
29. Stripper glitter.
30. Referring to yourself in the third person.
31. Celebrity couple names – Brangelina.
32. People who cannot calculate what time it is in different time zones.
33. Handicapped parking spaces.
34. When every TV channel has a commercial at the same time.
35. John Mayer.
36. Couples who dress alike on purpose.
37. Kids with traditional names with non-traditional spellings.
38. The word “yummy.”
39. Mormons.
40. Flip flops or any type of shoe that makes excessive noise when walking.
41. Getting a haircut.
42. Tea with fruit flavors.
43. Chain restaurants.
44. Peanut butter.
45. Oprah.
46. Neighbors that mow their lawn every three days or early in the morning on weekends.
47. Never being able to find the nail clippers when you need them.
48. When radio stations have “Rocktober.”
49. Ben Affleck
50. Metallica’s St. Anger album.
51. People that say “you can do mine next” when washing your car, cutting the lawn, etc.
52. Happy people.
53. Hangovers.
54. Starbucks.
55. White people who use chop sticks at Asian restaurants.
56. When people want to show me pictures of their kids, grandkids, or pets.
57. Being late to anything.
58. People on social networking sites that use group photos as their profile pic.
59. Voice mail.
60. When people say “don’t so anything I wouldn’t do.”
61. Getting a Christmas card with a letter telling you the boring crap the sender and their boring family did during the year.
62. Chronic sigh-ers.
63. TV Meteorologists.
64. When people will not take the last of any food item.
65. Realizing there is no toilet paper mid-poop.
66. Sensitive people.
67. Knots that inexplicably form in cords of electronics.
68. Poison ivy.
69. Anyone who has given up something and thinks you should too – i.e. smoking.
70. Lawn ornaments.
71. Michael Stipe.
72. When people want you to “guess” something. Just tell me.
73. Non-alcoholic beer.
74. Heidi Klum.
75. People who do not know what hand beats what in poker.
76. Destination weddings.
77. Small talk.
78. When movies or song lyrics are misquoted.
79. Use of LOL.
80. People who allow their children to scream in public settings.
81. Bluetooth headsets.
82. People that talk to you while looking at their Blackberry.
83. The French.
84. Costumes on pets.
85. Trying to a group of coworkers to agree on ordering lunch.
86. Bicycle shorts.
87. People who rubberneck at accidents.
88. Having to clean the lint trap in the dryer.
89. Fake sincerity.
90. Cheese food.
91. People who take karaoke seriously.
92. Any Kardashian.
93. Any situation that requires me to wear a tie.
94. Gone with the Wind.
95. Self serving lists.

CNN = Covering Non News

Much like MTV used to play music videos, CNN used to cover the news. I was channel surfing and stopped on CNN because there was a story about my next wife, Tina Fey. In an interview she joking said that if the McCain/Palin ticket was elected that she would “leave the planet.” The three talking heads on the show were having an actual debate on whether or not she was serious. This conversation went on for at least five minutes.

Aside from being a physical impossibility, Tina Fey is a comedian. That means she makes jokes and uses sarcasm in a humorous way. She also works with Alec Baldwin, who during the 2004 campaign, was quoted as saying he would move to Canada if Bush were to be re-elected. I know you 24 hours of time to kill each day and Nancy Grace can only be on so much before she has to be returned to her coffin filled with dirt from the ring of Hell from which she came, but is this news? Does it even need to be on a national “news” channel?

Not The "A" Team

The media keeps hyping the story of two white supremacists who had a plot to kill 88 black people and Barack Obama. While that thought is terrible, let's face it media, this is not a credible threat no matter how many times you repeat the story. What seems to never get reported is how these criminal masterminds were caught. The two draw swastikas and other White Power symbols on their car in, of all things, sidewalk chalk, then shot out the window of a church. They were pulled over while making thier getaway and spilled the beans on their own plot. I've lived over 40 years and have never touched sidewalk chalk, but that is beside the point. I guess you use what you have on hand when needing to draw a swatika on your El Camino.

The best part is that they planned to go on their spree while dressed in white tuxedos and top hats. I'm just going to assume they do not own tuxes and would have to rent. Oh and why kill 88 people you ask? You see, H is this 8th letter in the alphabet and 88=Heil Hitler in neonazispeak. At least they go that right. True criminal masterminds do not divulge their plot when stopped on an unrelated misedemeanor. So media, lets move on please? Oh, and let's also get of the crazy woman who carved a B in her own face and blamed a black Obama supporter. She's just bat-shit crazy and not a McCain campaign plant like Joe.

I'm John McCain and I Want Your Vote

Do I need to say anything?

Get Ready ‘Cuz Here It Comes

John McCain has thrown down the gauntlet and said that he will bring up the connection between Barack Obama and William Ayers. McCain claims Ayers is a domestic terrorist. That is true. As a young man and member of the Weather Underground, he set bombs off in public places to make political statements. What is in question is the connection he has, if any, to Obama.

Today Ayers is a professor at the University of Illinois in Chicago. In 1999 he was named Chicago’s Citizen of the Year for his 1995 work on the Chicago Annenberg Project after they received a grant of nearly $50 million for reforming public schools. Obama served on a committee that oversaw how the grant money would be spent. Also in 1995, Ayers hosted a coffee for Obama when he first ran for public office. The two also served on the board of an anti-povery group from 2000 – 2002. The board met 12 times in that time period. When Ayers committed his crimes Barack Obama was 8 years old. These are all facts.

Here are some questions to ponder:

Think of all of the casual acquaintances you have. In particular think of all of those with professional jobs such as a teacher or professor. Unless they told you, would you ever suspect any of them had committed a crime?

How long are we accountable for our past actions? Ayers’ actions that are being scrutinized happened in 1968 and 1969. George W. Bush pleaded guilty to drunk driving in 1976. Is that still fair game? John McCain was part of the Keating 5 scandal in 1989. Is that relevant to his running the country?

In The Closet

This photo really scares me. While this election should be a slam dunk for Barack Obama, there are enough closeted racists out there that I can actually envision a scenario where John McCain is elected, dies in office and we are being governed by a woman who I would not even hire to do part-time temp work. I have friend who will not vote for Obama because "He's a Muslim." Another who says that he thinks he will raise taxes. There are 2 people who to my knowledge have never voted for a Republican. Since they like to say they're open-minded and evolved, they will not vote for the candidate who aligns most closely with their values. Draw your own conclusion. At least the guy on his bike is honest about why he won't be voting Democrat this year.

Exactly.

When I wasn't peeing in my pants a little over the super awesome DListed, I was hitting StumbleUpon and found this. ....Yep.

Obviously ImRubberYourGlue Readers

Crowd cheers suicidal jumper to his death

Good News Hippies!

We may not need this bail out. Turns out the king of jam bands Phish is reuniting after a four year hiatus. This announcement is expected to instantly boost the hyrdoponic and hemp industries. And next week look for ImRubberYourGlue tie die t-shirts on sale. Of course they will be made from 100% organically grown hemp and colored with natural pigments. They are made in a fair-trade shirt factory in Gautamala and are just $49.99. A small price to pay to help the planet, right hippies?

Candidate #3

I realize that this for purely personal reasons, but I'd like to nominate James Howard Kuntsler (and I could not possibly make that last name up) for the next IRYG Internet Douchebag of the Week.

James Howard Kuntsler is the owner/author of the Web site Eyesore of the Month. In addition to being remarkably active on his homepage and in the world of -- ahem -- literature, Mr. Kuntsler possesses an ethnic cleansing-like sense of what appears to right and wrong in his world (suburban New York). And by "appears to be," I mean just that. If he doesn't like the way it looks, it surely came from the devil.

For example, August's Eyesore of the Month, a tattoo shops in Saratoga Springs. As a person who has spent more than a few hours working, waiting, and, well, getting tattooed in tattoo shops, I feel confident in calling True Tattoo Studio quaint. I would even go so far as to call it cute. It's clean. It's in the suburbs. There are no bars in the windows. Judging by its appearance, it seems to be an absolutely respectable business in what Mr. Kuntsler admits is a sufficient business district.

Gentrify all you want, it's none of my business. I don't even live there. I'm also perfectly happy with my own tattoo shop, a historical gem located at a gritty intersection in the middle of the second most dangerous city in the U.S. What pisses me off is that Mr. Kuntsler's problem isn't that a likely profitable business exists on his own personal Main Street, but that the kind of people who go there just shouldn't be around...

The activity taking place here, however, is a symptom of the growing barbarism in American life. Tattooing has traditionally been a marginal activity among civilized people, the calling card of cannibals, sailors, and whores. The appropriate place for it is on the margins, in the back alleys, the skid rows. The mainstreaming of tattoos (on main street) is a harbinger of social dysfunction.

...Because, you know, keeping tattoo shops in seedy back alleys will do wonders for ensuring that the tattoo industry is safe and regulated. And because an art form that predates Christianity is clearly too declasse to survive in today's society. And because since I'm not a cannibal, sailor, or whore (although I suppose that would depend on which ex-boyfriend you ask), I must be a barbarian.

And most importantly, because any whiny suburban dick knows that tattoos and tattooing begin and end with shitty prison-style teardrops on the faces of people who are most definitely not from their neighborhood. Nothing like this, of course:

So, Mr. Kuntsler, this tattooed barbarian nominates you for the Internet Douchebag of the Week.

Candidate #2

We go international for this one.

Candidate for IDB of the Week

Many locale TV reporters could easily win this award. This one is short and sweet.

Coming Soon - ImRubberYourGlue TV?

A logical brand extension for ImRubberYourGlue would be ImRubberYourGlue TV. I realize that we haven’t even put our first podcast in the can, but you might as well dream big. We already have a bunch of show ideas. Since we have no money for R & D, consider yourselves our test market and let us pitch some ideas to you. Here we go:

How Much Do You Love Me?

A reality show that tests how far a family member is willing to go for you. For example, you give your grandma a package to hold on to for you. Then the “police” show up and tell he they suspect you of dealing drugs. Will granny rat you out or will she show just how much she loves you.






The Crackhouse

Another reality show that takes place entirely in a crackhouse. That’s it. We just place hidden cameras every where and let crackheads be crackheads. It will be more entertaining than The Hills and the characters will not be as devoid of souls. Just for fun we stage fake raids or turn loose pitbulls.






Of course we are going to need some sponsors to make this financially feasible. Since the IRYG team pretty much just hangs out in bars we will start there. The commercials will need to fit the programming. Tell me if these would ads would make you want to visit our sponsors

#1 – A scene with two gay guys just full on making out. The camera stays on them for an uncomfortably long time and then fades to black. An announcer comes on and says “When you’re done being gay, check out The Stable.”

#2 That song from Sesame Street is playing “One of these things is not like the other….” And you are shown a series of pictures:

Finally all photos come together and shows you this:


Graphics on the screen – Find Out Why He is Different at The Rotten Apple

There are plenty more ideas for shows. This is just to whet your appetite. Leave your comments and let us know which show you would most like to see.

And In Other News, R Kelly Announces He Is Black

Not Even As Much Respect as Linsey's Side Boob

*Insert Douchenozzle Here*

According to PerezHilton.com, Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment because of dog shit. No, I'm not talking about his act, I'm talking about actual shit deposited by his dog that he refuses to clean up. I assumed his paychecks from Pretending Jessica Simpson Is An Actress (oh sorry, I meant Employee of the Month) and the Frat Guys Love Hearing Me Make Screeching Noises Tour (oh sorry, I meant whatever the fuck his tour was called) were fat enough for him to just buy a place in the Hollywood Hills, but Dane doesn't want to move and is fighting the eviction.

Why?

Inspiration.

Apparently, Steve Martin and John Belushi once lived in the apartment complex currently housing Dane Cook, and forcing him to move out would cause "mental and emotional damage" that will rob him of the creative inspiration he draws from their "presence" and therefore ruin his career. He is "extremely frightened" that he "can really easily run out of ideas and stories" if he is forced to leave, because he has "seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

(All quotes according to court documents filed by Dane's lawyers.)

I'm hearing two sounds inside my head at the moment -- one is Belushi having seizures in his grave and the other is Steve Martin vomiting.

Dane Cook doesn't seem like the most humble guy on earth, but I find it simultaneously hilarious and sickening that he would consider John Belushi and Steve Martin to be his creative muses. Consider yourself a fan if you must, Dane, but don't for a second claim that their bygone presence in your apartment complex actually inspires your act. That's blasphemous to good comedy and insults two truly great comics by implying that all they did was write punchlines including some act of violence "in your face." I'm sure that's funny if you've had one too many keg stand-induced bloodrushes to the head, but outside of the frathouse, it's less amusing.

By the way, Dane, I hope Belushi's ghost comes to your front porch and lights a paper bag o' dog shit on fire. Bad neighborship is a bitch, huh?

Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Sort of a first for ImRubberYourGlue – a weekly column. Fact is that everyone who contributes to this site is a slacker so it may prove way too difficult to keep up a weekly column. In fact, this may very well be the one and only column of Internet Douche Bag of the Week. Let’s meet our debut DB.

Stever Robbins, aka The Get-It-Done Guy, is a blogger/podcaster who focuses on how to “work less and do more.” While it would be easy to start out with his name, that’s not the only reason he gets to be the IDB of the week. I read a lot of blogs and listen to many different podcasts, one of which is Stever. Ideas on how to get more done certainly appeal to me. So I have been listening to his weekly podcast and started following him on Twitter. I learned he is taking all of his tips and putting them into a book to help you accomplish more. Today, this was his tweet:

“Twitter & blog on hold till book done. New job (full-time; career change) has swamped me. Haven't yet figured out how to finish book.”

So the Get-It-Done Guy is too busy to complete his book about how to accomplish more in your life? You discovered that when you did not have a full-time job that you could do a lot of different stuff, but now that you are back in the corporate world it IS hard to do many different things. Congrats Stever Robbins. You just killed your brand, but you can still tell everyone you were the first Internet Douche Bag of the Week

Hmmm. You Decide

I Don't Have to Ask, I Already Know

Another biblically-mandated Lord's day, another religious compound raided. This time around, a compound in Arkansas was raided as part of a kiddie porn investigation. Also this time around, instead of your average run-of-the-mill fundamentalist wacko, the ministry's founder claims that "consent is puberty." This might be shocking to some, but remember -- we're talking about Arkansas. I don't claim to be an expert in the ways of Arkansans, but "if it's old enough to bleed, it's old enough to breed" is a fairly well-known piece of relationship advice in the south.

I'm not surprised that certain people aim to retreat from a world they feel doesn't agree with them, and, depressingly, I'm also not surprised that some people are able to manipulate others by threatening God's wrath. What does surprise me, however, are people like Anthony Justin Lane, a 34-year-old former member of the Arkansas church who claims he was kicked out for asking too many questions.

Hmm, okay. I'll buy that. I was raised Catholic, remember, and I have firsthand knowledge of the way religious authorities react to questions they can't answer. Anthony Justin Lane - 1. Tony Alamo Christian Ministries - 0. Unfortunately for Anthony Justin Lane, his then-girlfriend and their children remained in the church, and aside from a few pictures over the years, he hasn't been allowed to see the kids. Sad. Unfair. Weird.

Not weird because Anthony Justin Lane was kicked out and denied regular access to his children by a cult leader now being investigated for kiddie porn, but weird because he didn't see it fit to ever challenge this mandate because, he says, "I keep laying it in the Lord's hands and hope He'll have mercy on my children and protect them."

Um, Anthony Justin Lane, I'm really sorry that you've been separated from your kids, and I know this must be a trying time for you, but are you fucking retarded? Is it not enough that you Christians ignore science and reason? Must you continue to make piss poor decisions about your children's welfare based on a belief that, let's be honest, hasn't gotten you very far by this point? It's not about the Lord, you idiot, it's about lawyers and custody and your kids not being molested in the name of religion.

Christ.

And I'm aware of how that sounds.

The True Candidate of Hope: John McCain

Yes, I have completely changed my mind on who is the true candidate who represents hope. It's not Barack Obama. Far from it. It is the McCain/Palin ticket. I am completely enamored with their optimistic view of life and how you can associate almost any seemingly meager accomplsihment with greatness. Fer instance:

-McCain served on the Commerce Committee and therefore invented the Blackberry.

-Sarah Palin lives close to Russia and is therefore an international relations expert.

That's awesome. It's like assylogism on steroids and it works for me. All I have to do is look around my little part of the world and start beefing up my resume.

-I live right behind a firehouse so therefore I am a fireman.

-I also live close to the airport so therefore I am a pilot.

-I work for a Christian publishing firm so therefore I am Jesus.

Wow! This is pretty fun. I can't wait to post my new resume on Monster. I am sure there are lots of companies who need a firefighing aviator diety on their team.

Don't miss out on the fun. Leave some of your "accomplishments" in the comments.

So Many Things You Can Do For Boobies

Breast cancer has the best marketing of any disease, hands-down. If all diseases had the marketing power of the breast cancer then Jerry Lewis would spend his Labor Day making BBQ in the back yard like the rest of us. Every where I go I see products branded with the the little pink ribbon. Here is a quick tally of the things I can remember of the top of my head:

Get a scarf and accessorize for boobies

Grab the Better Homes and Gardens cook book and bake for boobies

Get the pink iPod cover and jam out to Tool for boobies

Get the Passionately Pink mouse pad and surf porn for boobies

Get the new Garth Brooks album and play it while pretending to bang Trisha Yearwood for boobies.

And the latest option I just noticed after we got home from Sam's Club yestrday. Yes, you can now wipe your ass for boobies.

He Might Be But..

After this he will deny it.

Take a Big Fat Whiff

If my employment choices hadn't led me into property management/bars/marketing and if I knew anything about molecular structure, I would like to have worked as a perfumer. I enjoy smelling nice. I like pretty packaging. But so, apparently, does every celebrity on earth.

First it was Elizabeth Taylor. Maybe other famous people got in on the fragrance industry before her, but she slutted White Diamonds up like nobody's business and ensured an income for herself after being Michael Jackson's friend proved unproftable. Skip ahead a decade or two and we have a market glutted with the "creations" of Mariah Carey, Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Antonio Banderas. Jeez, even Jessica Simpson gets included if you consider edible candy lube a perfume.

I could be wrong, but it strikes me as doubtful that Britney knows much about chemistry. With this in mind, it must be pretty easy to become a perfumer. Because I'm in a charitable mood, below are a few helpful suggestions for celebrities who don't yet have perfumes on the market.

Tara Reid's Boozarella (or, failing that, I Went to Ibiza and All I Got Was this Itchy Vagina)

top notes: failure, stale margarita mix.
undertones: nicotine, Herpecin A ointment, pineapple-scented air freshener from Dollar General.
packaging suggestion: brown paper bag knotted at top end with actual hair from Tara's head pulled out during latest girl-on-girl chickenfighting incident in Cancun-area Motel 6 pool.

***

Sarah Palin's Vetted

top notes: gunpowder, grizzly bear musk
undertones: baby wipes, crude oil
packaging suggestion: American flag. Duh.

***

Barbara Walters' Eau de Eau-ld Bitch by Babwa

top notes: prunes, frosted lipstick
undertones: trees, mothballs, Hugh Downs
packaging suggestion: box undecided, but includes pair of crotchless panties

***

Samantha Ronson's Firemouth

top notes: Red Bull, clitoris.
undertones: ambiguity, cocaine, and more clitoris
packaging suggestion: pinstripe-and-faded denim box with huge pink orchid attached.

***

Rush Limbaugh's Elite

top notes: leather upholstery, McRib
undertones: white bread, Oxycontin, racism
suggested packaging: righteousness-infused cigar paper

***

Rachael Ray's Smell-o!

top notes: EVOO, stifling cheer, sandwiches
undertones: market saturation, incredible amount of anti-depressives and mood stabilizers
suggested packaging: miniature casserole dish of mediocre quality

***

Amy Winehouse's Deathwatch

top notes: scorched baking soda, Jack Daniel's, impending doom
undertones: whatever "this bitch is gonna die" smells like
suggested packaging: glass vial wrapped in dirty baggie

***

David Duchovny's Hey Hot Stuff

top notes: shame, latex
undertones: stripper dust, Lubriderm, Axe body spray
suggested packaging: clear plastic wrapped in brown paper

***